Regarding the ex in Who I Am

I’ve been sitting on my feels with my ex Matt for a few days now. And as much as I care for him and am comfortable around him… I think I know what I have to do. I don’t love him. I mean I do. But not like..in love with him. I don’t feel butterflies. If anything it’s almost triggering for me to be around him. Not because of the way he treats me or anything, because he’s a real gentleman and treats me nicely and talks me through stuff… but because of how our relationship USED to make me feel towards the ends.

It’s conflicting. Because I care about him SO much. I want nothing more than for him to be happy. But I know he loves me. Actually loves me. And as much as I do understand him, I feel like he deserves someone who is head over heels for him like he is for me. And I’m not that person. Atleast not right now. But I don’t wanna hurt his feelings…

I’m not ready to be in a relationship, I’m enjoying my single life. I’m enjoying who I’m becoming while I’m not a girlfriend of someone. And for that matter, I want to date different people!! I want to maybe move out of state.. And I feel like settling down with Matt isn’t the answer to whatever problems I’m having.

Deep down, I know I need to have this conversation with him. But theres also something deep within me that says “just wait. just hold on”

But honestly.. I really don’t think that’s very fair of me. So I’m just going to keep my distance. Not a solution. But it’ll do for now.

It sucks you guys. On paper he’s perfect for me. He understands me, he’s smart, he is attractive, he cares about me on levels that are almost unfathomable. He loves me for my best and my worst. He’s there for me when I’m losing my shit. He helps me however he can.... how am I not in love with him? How is this not it.

Last updated February 08, 2018