Unsure in In the Kingdom of Suzu
- Feb. 2, 2018, 3:48 p.m.
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- Public
So, here is the story. He is willing to go to counseling to see if he can get his head on straight but he cannot guarantee anything to me. He still has strong feelings for her and they aren’t going away even tho he hasn’t had any contact with her since Tuesday. They had discussed getting a place together and he had gotten some apartment names BUT didn’t call any of them because he wasn’t sure how he was going to tell me. In other words, he was planning to leave, I just happened to find out before any plans were finalized. I know there are no guarantees in life but am I willing to risk this and he decides he doesn’t want this after all. He has never been to counseling and doesn’t know what to expect but said he would not string me along. He said that he would go into counseling with the idea of seeing if we could make this work, I would feel a lot better if he would be willing to go into counseling with the goal of repairing our marriage. Do I cut my loses now or take the chance that we will succeed. I should mention that it wasn’t the sex with her but it was that they could talk and relate to each other. We used to have conversations but then they got to being superficial and he was depressed. I do have a call into a counselor but I am wondering if I am just spinning my wheels. He says he just doesn’t know cuz his head is all over the place.
Last updated February 02, 2018
ConnieK ⋅ February 02, 2018
Try to roll with it for now. Go to a few sessions together AND alone. Give it a chance. But at some point, he has to make his decision. In the meantime, protect your financial interests. Whether the infidelity included sex or not is irrelevant. He crossed a boundary. He's admitted that. Yet he had a change of heart and wants to try. Yet he cannot guarantee. At some point, he's going to HAVE to guarantee. Only you can decide where that point is. Personally, I'd give it a little more time. You've been together a long time. Hopefully, you two can come out of this with a stronger relationship.
(But I'm still willing to stick my leg out as she walks by and trip her husband-thievin' self!)
Anaiss ⋅ February 02, 2018
Well that's a hard one for any of us to advise you on. You have to follow your heart, and I know that's not easy. Looking back on my own experience, if I were you I would cut my losses. But I can only say that years after the fact -- I couldn't have done it at the time. My ex and I went through lots of ups and downs, I put up with a lot, and in the end, he's the one who left me. And he did it from overseas by sending me a "Dear Jane" email. He was working on a ship and I didn't have any way to reply to him, so I had 3 weeks to try to deal with that and go through all my emotions before I could even talk to him. Yes he was an a-hole and a coward but there is a part of me that understands -- we should have split up years earlier and neither one of us had the nerve to do it face to face.
coffeemate ⋅ February 02, 2018
I agree with ConnieK. I would try a few counseling sessions to see if that helps.
Deleted user ⋅ February 02, 2018
I really think it's important that you take some time to think about what YOU want. Jeff isn't the only one who has a say in this. I bet it hurts very much to know that he seems undecided when it comes to what he wants and how he feels. Take some time to really think about if you will be able to trust Jeff in the future and feel secure that he won't go back to her. Counseling may or may not help but it would need to be long term as there will be many issues to sort through. I am just so sorry that this has come to be. It's heartbreaking I know and you are going to feel many different emotions as you go through the process of deciding what YOU want. Hugs.
sourapple ⋅ February 03, 2018
I feel like none of us can really say what's best, but I hope you'll listen to your heart and put YOU first. Do what feels best and right for you. If you would regret giving it any more effort, if you would regret going to counseling and trying to make things work, then honor that. But something tells me you'd regret not at least trying, even if ultimately things couldn't be salvaged.
🌻StillJustMe🌸 ⋅ February 04, 2018
I'm still just in shock over the whole mess. And I'm so, so, so sorry you are going through this.
Deleted user ⋅ February 04, 2018
Counseling can never hurt .
Marg ⋅ February 06, 2018
Do what instinctively feels right. Counselling won't be wasted even if the final outcome isn't what you want - it'll give you a chance to process some of what's happened. Especially if you have some sessions by yourself as well. I'm so terribly sorry you're having to go through this.