Slowly losing it - so fuck that in Juggling with Hedgehogs
- Feb. 1, 2018, 2:06 p.m.
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- Public
Ever since I resigned, the desperation to get away from the job I used to absolutely love has become more and more urgent. On a daily basis, the sense of panic and the need to just RUN has grown, and today I’ve just been a twitchy mess. The twitchiness is an internal unpleasant buzz. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before. It’s very unpleasant, but thankfully, today, one of my yoga teacher friends sent me a very funny meditation called ‘Fuck That meditation’ which really helped. Mainly because it made me laugh out loud. It goes along the lines of: “Allow yourself to be here, fully, in this moment, with your eyes closed. Connect with your inner world of thought and feeling. Gradually let the horseshit of the external world fade from your awareness. Just acknowledge that all that shit is fucking bullshit. You’re here now, in this place, with your inner stillness, those bitches can’t get under your skin. They can’t even. Take in a deep breath. Breathe out and just feel the fucking nonsense float away. Breathe in strength, breathe out bullshit. If your thoughts drift to the three ring shit-show of your life, bring your attention back to your breathing and with each breath, feel your body saying ‘fuck that’. Fuck that. With each breath you take, your thoughts become lighter and all the soul eating cocksuckers just fall away into nothing. Take a moment to appreciate the silence. Those assholes can’t piss all over a purity like this. As you slowly open your eyes, greet the world and everything in it with a new beautiful breath of fuck that.”
It’s so me!
Getting out of the building at lunchtime helped a lot. Talking to Paul on Skype in the background also helps (something I won’t be able to do in my new job, unfortunately), but the real issue is that I’m still here, still doing ridiculous pointless shit, and I don’t want to be. I want to be at home, or close enough to home that if I had to, I could walk there, and doing something that has some real meaning to it. Today, my highlight was a letter from a viewer who had his fence damaged by police chasing criminals. He complained to his council and the police about the damage and got nowhere, so suddenly it’s our problem. He wants us to go there with a film crew - and get this bit ‘by written appointment only’ - to help him get the attention he needs.
And my internal answer to that is ‘fuck YOU, sir, you delusional pisswipe’. The actual response will be far more polite (if I can be bothered to reply at all) but seriously how entitled and deluded can they get? Like THIS is something we want to get involved with on national TV. Do they even WATCH our shows? Clearly not. So you know…grrr! And breathe…
Madame I Hate Everybody is here today being totally silent, because she’s unwell and probably building up to another long bout of sickness (and good, is what I say, I hope she actually does that, because it reduces the number of hours and days I have to spend in her general vicinity). I’m hoping where I’m going, the people are nice (although that’s never a guarantee, is it?). I may live to regret this move, big-time, but right now, the way I’m feeling, I don’t think I will. And if I do, I’ll come back to this entry, because how I feel today is very real and very not good for my health. I’m on edge, I’m twitchy, I’m unable to sleep, when I do sleep I have nightmares and when I’m awake trying to sleep, I have heart palpitations.
As the meditation goes - FUCK THAT.
Last updated February 01, 2018
Firebabe ⋅ February 01, 2018
That's a brilliant meditation. Fuck that indeed!
I've totally been in that position before -- one foot out the door, hating that you have to keep coming back to a place you'd gladly torch to the ground, and trying not to go apeshit on all the stupid, assnumb people, who just seem to get shittier every passing day. Here's to new jobs, and much needed changes of atmosphere!
Icklewriter Firebabe ⋅ February 01, 2018
I said to my colleague at lunchtime that I may be making the biggest mistake ever, and in a couple of weeks' time, I might be thinking 'god, I want to be back at ITV more than anything' but that's why I wrote that entry. I need to be able to remind myself, when I get days like that, that I felt THIS bad just being here. That my nerves were shot to pieces, that it takes every last iota of energy I have not to just lose my shit at everyone I come across. I'm just saturated by the bullshit, and even if the new job is worse bullshit, it'll at least be DIFFERENT bullshit. And I won't be getting out of bed at 5.30 in the morning and I won't be sitting on trains with people with no manners and who mostly stink and pick their noses, and I won't be getting home in the dark, worn out and cold, not wanting to make myself any dinner because all I want to do is sit on the sofa and never move again. The effort it takes just to get up and go to BED...I can't even begin to describe it. I was talking about going back on my healthy eating plan again after I leave ITV and Paul said 'why not now?' and I said I just can't. He said 'but you did it last year' and I said 'I honestly don't have the energy to even think about it. I can't even describe to him the difference just 12 months has made to my energy levels. I'm done, I'm running on empty, and I'm worried that if I try anything else before I get out of this job, I'll just drop down dead. Fuck that, right?
Marg ⋅ February 02, 2018
Fuck that indeed! The whole experience has worn you to a frazzle!