Awake and Thinking 1/10/2004
It’s 3:51 am. I feel like I’m going out of my mind. It’s my second semester of my third year of college and it’s the first time I actually want to go back to school more than I want to be at home. I’m just so bored….I can’t even explain the boredom…I get up, help my mom clean the house, then read a book or watch television for the rest of the day. I’m not home long enough to get a job. Rebecca has a boyfriend so she’s like "Elissa who?" (Yes, that is my name…I don’t care if people know it any more…)
Rebecca and I were supposed to go out to a bar tonight, but she backed out at the last moment. I understand that her friends didn’t want to go out but she distinctly said to me last night, "Hell, I’m going out tomorrow, I don’t care if I’m going out by myself." So yea…I got ditched because she wanted to go to her boyfriend’s house instead. It sucks, I’ve been home for a month and Rebecca and I have hung out once. I know she loves her boyfriend and everything, but every time she dates a guy, I feel as if I just get ditched whenever the boyfriend calls. I mean, she sees him all year round, I’m not home that often.
I told my mother that I wanted to go back early and she looked as if she would cry. I felt terrible. "Is it because you think I’m asking you to do too much?," (around the house) she asked. I felt like such a bastard. It has nothing to do with the amount of chores I have…I just hate being home. OK, not hate…hate’s a strong word. I like being home, and I adore my family, but after a few days I just get so restless. There’s nothing here for me any more. I’m not friends with the people in high school any more, so I spend my days loafing around and my nights watching Lifetime movies with my mother. I have this horrible vision of me, middle-aged, doing the same stuff I’m doing now.
My mother keeps encouraging me, and basically expecting me, to come home after college. During my freshman year, when I was horribly homesick and unhappy, that sounded like a great idea…but now things are different. As much as being up at school stresses me out, I like being on my own (somewhat). I like not having to ask permission to go out, and not making my bed when I don’t feel like it, cooking food according to my preferences, going wherever I want when I feel like it, hanging out with friends who are around the block…and even though I won’t have people I know in grad school, I know things won’t be monotonous. If I come home, I won’t live in university housing because it’ll just be a waste of money. I won’t really meet people since I’ll just be in class, and then I’ll drive back home again. My weekends will be filled with Lifetime movies, and the only change of pace during the week will be going food-shopping with my mother after I get back from class.
"I don’t want you to go," my mother told me tearfully. So I agreed to stay until the 16th, as I had originally planned. I love her more than anything, but I don’t want to be home. I really wish she could have said "Well, hon, you’re more than welcome to stay home, but if you want to go back a few days early, that’s great." I mean, I’m coming home in two weeks anyway for my doctor’s evaluation.
I especially don’t want to be around the house since we just found out that my grandmother is dying. She’s my mom’s mom, and we’re not very close to her. I probably sound like a bitch right now, but hell, it’s my diary. My grandmother wasn’t the nicest person in the world. When we were little she was just really annoying. I mean, she always remembered birthdays, but she did some really fucked up shit. Like, my youngest brother Jake and I have always been close so my grandmother used to tell me sister Rebecca (who was ten or eleven at the time) "Elissa is Jake's favorite sister…" Recently, she told my brothers that Rebecca was her favorite grand child. She gave away most of my mother’s inheritance to one of our cousins because they agreed to let her live with them. My grandmother was really neglectful to my mom, and I think my mom really resented her for it. The only time she ever seemed to bother with my mother was when she decided she didn’t want to live alone any more after my grandfather died.
I’m upset that she’s dying because I was never close with her, and I feel guilty for that. I can’t say that I’m distraught over it though. My mom’s upset, obviously, because it is her mother after all, but I feel the financial costs of everything (since my lovely grandmother gave away most of my mother’s inheritance, and my aunt can’t help my mom foot the bill) is getting to her more than anything. I just don’t deal with stuff well unless I’m incredibly busy. When you’re busy, you only have timed to concentrate at the task at hand. When you’re loafing around like me, all you do is brood. And I hate that feeling. I hate doing nothing but help my mother clean this house day in and day out…I hate not being with my friends….I hate having nothing to do…I hate being here. I want to help my mother cope, which is why I’m staying the extra few days, but I CANNOT come back after graduating school. Being on vacation at home gives me a glimpse of what my life will be like after college, and I hate what it looks like. It’s now 5:04 am and I’m wide awake. I don’t understand how this semester flew by and this vacation has dragged on endlessly. I even miss being in class.
Six more days until I go back…this semester is already off to a rocky start. I can’t go on my Cancun trip. Apparently, the trip is costing $919 when I was originally told $800. People dropped out at the last minute, which means that the friends that I wanted to go with, are now not going. So I’m not going. Chris hasn’t talked to me since New Years Eve, when he returned my message, and wished me a Happy New Years. I have no idea what’s going on now. I know he works a job 10pm-6am but I’m sure he doesn’t work every day…a call or IM would be nice. If he wants to break up, fine, but don’t make me fucking guess. Then again, it’s my own fault because I stay with him. The only thing that really irks me is that if he did want to break up, he could’ve told me before break. Now, that last night of break that we were together makes me feel really really used. Even with all this though, I still don’t want to be home. It's 5:12 am.
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