Breaking Up? 11/24/2003
On Saturday I got up relatively early, thinking I would have to pick up Chris from campus around 1-2:00. On my buddy list it kept saying that he was idle. He was idle until 4:00, which by that time, I was pretty pissed off. He told me that he got sexiled from his room by his suitemate since three out of the five boys in the suite (the sixth one was home for the weekend) were hooking up with girls, and since there are only three rooms, Chris got booted into the common room. He had had a terrible night's sleep on the couch and wanted to take a nap before coming over. Chris has a tendency to sleep a lot, so I figured I'd do some work and make myself dinner. It was nearly seven when he IMed me, asking me if I had eaten already, which I said I had. Apparently, he wanted to take me out to dinner out Outback, which I still offered to go with him but he said no. The he asks to push off hanging out with me til tomorrow since he was still really tired. I know I'm a dramatic person, but damn...we made fucking plans to hang out at one o'clock and I had stayed in the entire day fucking waiting around for him. Besides that, I had shit to do the next day, since I rearranged my schedule for us to hang out that day. So for once I grew some balls and gave him a flat-out no, explaining why. Then I basically told him "Fine, I have work to do, later" and signed off.
I left my phone off on purpose because I figured he'd call. I wasn't in the mood to talk to him so I left it off for awhile and then did some work. I checked my phone about thirty minutes later and listened to his message. "Hey Elissa, you left in kind of a huff...I hope you're not mad at me...Call me back when you get this." I waited an hour until I called him back, so I could calm down. When I did calm down, I called him, only to find that his cell was off...I left a message that told him to call me back and then did work, while trying not to cry. Two and a half hours later still didn't call back, so now I was good and pissed. I went back on-line where hey IMed me asking me if I was angry. Apparently, he didn;t hear his phone ring or something...Anyway, I told him that I wanted to come to campus and talk to him. My last IM was "Chris, I adore you but I don't want to be your fucking hook-up buddy..." I never even told him that I liked him before...I felt stupid for telling him that I adored him...I felt vulnerable now.
I got to campus and waited for him in fromt of the union. He even opened the door for me as we walked in, so I guess he knew I was really upset. He offered to buy me food, but I just shook my head. We went to go and sit down, and I started to cry, like an ass. I told him that I lied about being happy, and that us only hanging out drunkenly once a week made me feel like his fuck buddy, which I didn't want. I asked him twice if he wanted to end it, and if he did, to just let me know. He said no both times, so I'm now running on the assumption that he does like me and just is clueless as to what is going on. He asked me for how long I've been unhappy, and I told him approximately two weeks...it's about right...I've been feeling like garbage since we had sex. Before, even though we didn't know what exactly was the deal between us was, I felt more like his girlfriend then than I do now...which I told him. He kept apologizing, but I didn't want his apologies. I wanted shit to change. He held my hand and asked what he could do to make me happy. Hearing that made me feel a little better. He also told me that he was committed to me, which also made me feel better. But actions speak louder than words...I told him I didn't want to be a demand on his time, but I did want to hang out with him more, which he agreed to. He took my hand twice throughout the conversation and held it. I mean, he's not doing what he does to be malicious, but it hurts regardless. His various naps throughout the day always seem to take precedence over me, which I resent. At one point during the conversation, he asked in a somewhat shocked voice, "Are you breaking up with me?" I said I wasn't, but now I'm rethinking the decision. I do adore him, more than I'd like to admit, but I feel that I'm at the tail end of his priority list, except on Friday or Saturday nights when he's drunk and wants to hook up with me. I told him that some of my stress was my own fault because I'm an insecure person. "Well, maybe with time, you'll become secure with me."
He took my hand and walked me back to my car. I kissed him good-bye but didn't feel much better. On Sunday nothing changed. I IMed him, just to say hi, at around four o'clock since he had an away message on all day long. When I asked him what he did that day he told me he woke up at around 1 and then stayed in bed til four to watch football. Now, seeing as I had a minor nervous breakdown last night, you'd think maybe he'd wanna call/IM me that day or something...I dunno, make an attempt to change things...but no. He only talked to me for a few minutes, saying that he had to take a shower but would be on later. He never came back on...When I checked his away message it said that he was letting his suitemate use his computer for a project. Which is fine, but it's not like he doesn't have a phone. So whatever. Now it's Monday and we still haven't spoken. I haven't been back to my apartment so I don't know if he IMed me or not...we'll see. I don't have class on Wednesday, which means from 4:15 on Tuesday til 2:00 on Wednesday I'm free. But I don't want to be the one to ask to hang out because I feel he needs to start making plans. He should want to hang out with me, he shouldn't be pushed. We'll see what happens with this...
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