January 27, 2018 in Journal 1

Sooooo, it’s been a while. 19 days. Really pushin’ the limit there, friend.
Things haven’t gotten significantly better. London has not grown on me. However, I feel less aimless nowadays. I keep coming back to the desire to do everything. I feel like school and society, in general, push us to choose one or two interests and really become pros at ‘em, but that shit just ain’t for me, I gotta say. I want to be a pro in everything and I find that I may just be psycho enough to really try. I don’t know.
School is fine. I do the work, but I don’t give my 100%. It’s like singing when your depressed. For singers out there who may understand, it’s like trying to belt when you just have no passion for the thing. It’s literally impossible. It’s like you just run out of breath. Or, when you are sprinting and your vastus lateralis starts having a fucking existential crisis, like, “Why the fuck do I put myself through this?”, and just stops working. Is it just my weak will? I don’t think so.
I wish I could just give myself an education and somehow use that as a qualification, allowing me to work in certain jobs. I think that just may be what I’ll try to do after college. I know that sounds like postponement, like “I’m going to start dieting after New Year’s… but for now! Omnomnomnom!”, and it is. But, I go to a fucking fantastic school on academic/financial scholarship, paying only like $2000 a year. How can I possibly justify giving that up, because “I don’t know. I just don’t feel it anymore”? If I dropped out, I know with 99.99% certainty that I’d regret it. The only thing that would make me regret not dropping out is if my mom or dad or brother died while I’m away at college, studying dispassionately for something that ultimately doesn’t matter.
I haven’t been home– like, really, “at home”– in 3 years. I haven’t felt secure or happy where I’m living for 3 fucking years, man. And, I think that may be why I am so mentally fucked right now. If you’re not happy where you are physically or who you are with or what you are doing, what the fuck are you doing?!!?! Get the fuck outta there!
So, that’s where I am right now. Sorry for all the “fuck“‘s. If you don’t come back and write in a while, just remember to keep moving– even if it’s not in a straight line– and lean into the pain. Or, whatever, what the fuck do I know?

Last updated January 27, 2018