Fate 10/22/2003
"Just to let you know, I do believe in Fate...I just think it works in really fucked up ways sometimes." ~'Can't Hardly Wait'
As expected, last Saturday night was eventful. I talking to Chris over IMs when he randomly asks me if he could ask me a question. It turns out, he invited me to go and see the movie 'Kill Bill' later that night which I agreed to. I got to his dorm somewhat early but didn't go in for about 20 minutes. I actually changed my parking spot to further away, less lit area of the parking lot so he wouldn't see my dented hood. I felt so stupid driving him around in my p.o.s. car. After moving my parking spot I sat in my freezing cold car, trying to think of funny things to say. I debated on whether or not I should just jet out of there and cancel on him. I walked through the dorms, feeling vaguely nostalgic...then I remembered what it was like to live in a triple with Jan and Lila last year and quickly got over it.
I wasn't sure if I should go up to his suite and knock on his door or call him from outside. I decided to do the latter and waited for him to come out...He looked so cute...I wanted to kiss him, but wasn't sure what to do so I just waved. He didn't try to approach me either, which was sort of disappointing. The night started off crummy because my car kept making the sqeaking noise which embarrassed the hell out of me. On top of everything, Chris saw my hood anyway and spent a good ten minutes making fun of it. He wasn't doing it to be malicious, but it made me feel crappy. I feel so stupid when I'm with him...The heater in my car decided to not work, and of course Chris was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, so I could do nothing but sit and watch him shiver...
Leaving school I swung a turn to wide and nailed my car into the curb. My car was fine, and Chris shrugged it off, but it made my nerves even worse. I almost hate hanging out with him because it's a guarantee that I will do/say really dumb shit around him. We almost got lost going to the movies because I had never been to this particular movie theater before and Chris didn't think to bring directions. We got to the movie late, but didn't miss any of it, unfortunately...Word to the wise...never EVER watch 'Kill Bill' unless you're extremely doped up on serious drugs. That movie had no plot and was simply the wrost movie I have ever seen. Chris loved it apaprently, but didn't say so until after I had finished my rant about what a horrendous movie that was. So then I felt dumber because we apparently have nothing in common.
Anyway, so the movie was inexplicably horrible and all I wanted to do the entire time was kiss him. (Hey, it's a movie theater....I assumed that's what we would be doing....). He was really inot the movie though, and made no move to even touch me. I'm not exactly bold, and didn't have the balls to kiss him or take his hand so every time someone had a limb cut off (which was every five minutes) I would hide my face in his arm...and he did nothing...not even a pat on the head. So then I started thinking that maybe he didn't intend this to be a date and he just wanted to be buddies...So now I'm confused and slightly depressed and stuck in a horrible movie.
I got lost leaving the movie theater. We spent a good 20 minutes driving around, trying to find our way back to campus. Just because I live off campus doesn't mean I know my way around the entire city of Binghamton...which made me feel even dumber because I guess that's what Chris had assumed.
When we got back to his dorm, he simply turned to me and said, "hey, thanks for coming to the movies with me...see ya later.." and left. I drove away feeling like I was going to cry. Not to sound like a bitch, but I have enough friends. I don't need another and I wouldn't want to be 'just friends' with Chris.
I got back to my apartment and flipped out. Big wanted to leave for our mixer as soon as I walkjed in the door and all I wanted to do was have five minutes to myself. She tried to console me by telling me to not over-analyze things and that maybe Chris was shy too. I drank five shots of 99 Apples and a shot of Smirnoff because the advice was simply not helping.
We walked over to Corinne, Erin, and Sara's apartment after doing our shots, and Big continued to try and make me feel better. She kept telling me how beautiful I was and that I shouldn't have such low self-esteem. She told me that I could do much better than Chris and that I shouldn't stress over him. I don't mean to stress....I just really like him.
Being at my friends' apartment didn't help my mood. I found out that everyone in my pledge class is living together except for me...I sat down at one point and simply cried on Erin's bed.
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