easy brother in 2018

3:43pm

I was going to add on to my previous entry since I didn’t have time to wrap it up last night but it’s probably long enough already. I meant to finish it at home after work but I was too tired to bother. Instead I had a really great quesadilla and watched the Nature show and went to bed slightly early.

The days are starting to catch up with me and it’s only week one of like a four week stretch. Not sure how I’m going to survive. I can’t seem to get into bed any earlier than like 10:30 and there’s not much else I can do to rest since I don’t have time off. I can feel my battery slowly discharging though. Like my brain is tired and all I want to do is go home and mindlessly watch trashy television. Some thing that requires very little brain activity so I can recharge.

I know that realistically I am not going to have time to do this for a while but it’s fun to dream. It feels kinda early for me to be tired already but maybe I’ve just had to personally deal with more clients this year, or something. That’s how it feels at least. I don’t know. Maybe I’m always like this and I just forget. I really haven’t done that much. And I guess it’s pretty cool to have people coming back to request me. =) I can feel myself hitting that mood where I’m tired and seeking comfort and maybe that’s why I’m thinking about TF [as a brown chevy drives down the street hah] so much.

This morning I walked out the garage door and heard an engine running but didn’t see mom in the car. I caught sight of a white truck in the drive and wondered why we would be taking the truck to work. I was very confused. Until I walked outside and realized TF’s brother was sitting in his truck in our driveway. That was weird and unexpected.

Turns out mom had opened the garage and saw his truck coming straight towards our house and didn’t realize who it was until he pulled up into the drive. haha. He had a question about some paperwork and ended up coming by the office later after he was done on a job. I guess I didn’t have to miss this year’s meeting after all!

He really is super funny. And nice. He did say I was busting his chops though so I tried to cut out the jokes. Some people are so easy to be sarcastic with. He’s like that too though. Giving us a hard time. We didn’t get to sit and talk with him for very long. When he was there in the morning the next client came in early. Then he had to come back and she was busy. I talked to him on the phone after that and he came back but there were a bunch of people in and out and I couldn’t sit and chat.

The one time he came in, while she was busy, he started asking me if I could finish his paperwork so he wouldn’t have to come back. I was tempted to and I might have if it weren’t for a slightly complicated situation this year. As he was standing there joking and laughing and staring at me I had this crazy flashback to his brother and I thought about how I’d probably have an anxiety attack if he sat down with me and his hand came anywhere near mine.

Damn. I really am starved for attention. I think I’m going to give up every moral and ideal I’ve ever had and just hookup with the next guy that shows me a little bit of attention. Can’t be that hard to find a guy to screw you right? Everyone else makes it look so easy. I don’t actually need to have a conversation. I could live without any intelligent conversation or emotional connection. I’m probably the last person on earth that puts so much stock into that anyway.

Although, my current prospect is not doing much for me so maybe the 2nd guy that shows me a little bit of attention? hah. I kid. I so wish I wanted that guy but the more I see him the more I’m convinced that I’m not interested. I wonder if he can honestly handle being friends without getting too attached. The last thing I want to do is hurt him.

Ha. I just got a text from him saying he has cake. Which I’m going to take to mean he made the cake he’s been talking about and he’s going to share.
Why do I not like this guy!?!?

Anyway, we were talking about Tf’s brother every now and then throughout the afternoon. He likes to cook, and talks about food, and I was trying to get gossip. They didn’t get to talk much either so there wasn’t much of that. He’ll probably stop by tomorrow. We’ll see what I learn then. Earlier in the day we’d been talking about how he performed the wedding for both his sisters this last year and later I joked that if I ever get married I think I want him to marry us. Him and his creeper ‘stach. haha.

Oh, the other day, Saturday maybe, we were joking about who would mess with the piggy bank pig I’ve got on the front desk. I started naming people and then hesitated a little but mentioned that maybe TF would too. But I wasn’t sure if he’d stand up at my desk this year and mess with things. [funny enough his brother did the exact same damn thing he does this morning by digging into my candy dish. They are so dang similar!] She asked why not and I said because he was scared of me. She repeated what I said and asked, “why? what did you do to him?” I said, “Nothing! I didn’t do sh*t to him.” Then she starts saying something about how “you didn’t give any chocolate to....the mailman” but the mailman part didn’t click right away. She’s always so random jumping from topics.
So I start laughing and go, “OH! I thought you were going to say TF....because I don’t think it was chocolate he wanted…hahahah!” She said ewww and that I was gross and I evil laughed and it was hilarious. And a little gross. haha. ;)

Then today, maybe for the first time, she asked me what TF did to me. We’d been talking about his brother and she goes, “ok. so what did he do to you?” I said nothing. Of course. Because I’m not going to tell her any of that. And then I started fake crying and said except for breaking my heart. She said that wasn’t true. Which is funny right? That’s probably the most honest answer I’ve given. It’s alright though. I don’t remember what else she said but I just made a comment about how he stood me up and that was what he did and we moved on. Interesting though..

I think seeing him will be fine but I need to get it over with. Maybe then I’ll stop relentlessly rambling on about it.
Maybe.

In a super quick health update because I’ve gotta go to bed: I’m having issues with my back/ribcage but doctor didn’t seem to have any concern. Also my BP is way too damn high so she doubled my dose. This makes me sad. I hate that I can’t make it better on my own. I thought I was doing alright. I should probably lose weight, quit drinking, and eat more vegetables. Also meditate, learn to control the stress in my life I don’t even notice, and find peace.

All easier said than done. Always.

rose.
9:39pm