Still feeling defeated in 2018

Back still hurts. Both upper and lower/hip area. The lower part is what gets me it makes it harder for me to find a decently comfy spot to sit/stand/lay. My upper back I have learned to deal with and lie about. This job TJ has is stressing him out with things that are happening and I totally understand. Him stressing out and getting angry in turn stresses me out. I can’t take that anymore. I am beyond the end of my rope. I stand by him no matter what he does. The more I let it all sit in my mind the more it gets to me. I told him flat out last night to just quit. It is destroying him and that is destroying me. He is so worried he will disappoint my mom. That is far from the case. She has never been disappointed in him. She told him to quit if he is not happy there. If this is how he is being treated now it won’t change when he is hired on. He shaved his mustache off :( I am super sad about it. I know he likes the job but the treatment and stress it causes is not worth it. It is going to make him sick and then we will be screwed. As it is his knee and shoulder are fucked up from a minor fall at work. Well guess it is not that minor. I don’t want him to quit or get fired but I would rather have him get fired because then he might be able to collect unemployment. I know it will put him in another funk to be jobless but I can’t stand to him like this. He is so on edge, so angry. I have had to basically shut down because if he talks about it for to long or it gets in my head I start to freak out and I can’t do that anymore. I can’t take being stressed out anymore. It is killing me just like it is killing him. He might come home tonight without a job we don’t know. I have a feeling he is going to end up not doing as he says which is to voice up and push some issues. I won’t lie I kind of want that to happen. I know he hates how shit is going there and I do understand I just don’t want to say it all yet on the off chance things change and we do go at the place. I love him so much and him doing this to himself,the stress and what not, is killing me because I am so scared I am going to lose him because of it all. The stress is going to kill us both I can feel it. I can’t live without him. I don’t know what to do but hope and pray for the best. He has gone for work an hour early because there is some safety meeting. I am going to go upstairs and most likely read or nap or both. I just know right now after the way he was last night and a bit this morning I don’t want to be alone with my own thoughts. The only reason I am actually still here is because I am doing something else while writing this.

UGH!

Okay happy face time.