Monday 9/25/2002
On Monday, I had decided to go up to Doogie's dorm, after taking my sister's advice. ("You only live once..."). I figured that when a guy asks you to sleep in his bed, he's somewhat interested in you right? Well, I figured I'd stop off at Regine's first, just to say hello. Regina started laughing when I asked her what she was did last night...she kept saying she had so much fun. I sat down on her bed and kept asking her what she did, but at that point I kind of figured it out
When I sat on the bed, she bursts out laughing again and says, "You better not sit on that." When I asked her again what had happened, she just motioned with her arms and said, "With Doogie...do I have to be descriptive?" I feel so fucking ill right now, and all I want to do is cry. Last night it was raining, so I figured I'd stay in. I found out from Alexis that all of the people who usually hang out outside with us were under the ramp, which is sheltered from the rain. I should've gone outside, and I didn't. I feel so sick...he barely talked to Regina two nights ago...its nice to know how quickly people switch...I just feel sick and sad and I want to go home and I keep wondering what if I had slept in his bed that night...
Last night on Tuesday Doogie came down to the courtyard. We basically joked around with each other, but instead of making the sex jokes he did two nights ago, he basically just picked on my appearance and stuff. Then he went over and played chess with Regina. Like a fucking pathetic dog I followed him over and watched the game. Actually, I didn't watch the game, I just watched Doogie.
After the game, Doogie kept asking Regina if she wanted to cme up. I felt so sick...I have no idea why I stayed. Regina made a comment about them going upstairs to smoke weed. She asked me if I wanted to cme up and I said 'Sure.' Doogie started getting hesitant and started saying, "Well, I don't know if I have enough..." I asked him straight-out if he wanted me to leave. He just said, "Well...I dunno. No. I dunno." Again, I have no idea why we stayed. We just kind of sat there in silence while we waited for Reg to come back. As we were walking up the stairs to Doogie's dorm, I asked Regina if she wanted me to leave. She was actually really nice about it and gave me a definite "No," and grabbed my arm.
We smoked in Doogie's bathroom and then went to play video games. He kept putting his arm around her shoulders and rubbing her back. Again, I have no idea why I stayed. Between the misery and being high I just kept really quiet.
We went outside where Doogie, Reg, and I sat on a picnic table, Doogie sang, and they smoked a cigarette. He kept putting the cigarette between her lips and holding it for her, like he did to me two nights ago. She was laying in his lap, his arms were around her, and I sat next to them shivering in the cold and wondering why the hell I wasn't in bed. The sky was so odd that night. It was like a purplish red, almost the color of blood. I stared at it, since it was better than looking at what was next to me.
We went inside because I needed to get my bag and get the hell out of there. When I left and said good-bye, neither even replied.
Sometimes I feel as if I have no real purpose in life except to enhance others' lives. And most of the time, its not even like people appreciate it. I'm the good roommate that helped make Linda, Jan, and Lila's college experiences better. I'm the one who introduced Justin to Erin, and now they're best friends. I introduced Kira to Jan, and was the first to talk Melissa into hanging out with me and Jan instead of being by herself. With the exception of Erin and Justin, they all left me alone. The continued on with their lives and forgot me.
Melissa and Kira don't even say hello to me; they just walk into the room and head for Jess's side of the room. Dave, Diane's hook-up buddy (well, ex hook-up buddy) doesn't talk to me either. I thought we all had a pretty good time last weeknd at Cheers, and yet I'm the only one he doesn't talk to, yet I think I was always pretty friendly to him.
Regina and Doogie didn't even say hello to me in the courtyard.
I called my mother today crying. I need more than medical treatment or a psychologist to talk to. I need medication. I'm not strong enough for this world. People are mean and cruel and back-stabbing, and I can't seem to make it work for me. Medication may not solve my problems, but it'll help me with these horrible feelings of uselessness and loneliness.
My twentieth birthday is seven days from today.
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