Facades 9/12/2002
When first asked how I liked Binghamton, I answered, "Ask me again in October. By then I should know. The reason why I said that was because I really liked Linda the first two or three weeks of school, until she ditched me for her boyfriend and new friends. By October, everyone basically had their group of friends, and the facade that everyone hid behind for the first two weeks of school was gone. So even though I loved my first week here, I tried to not get my hopes up.
Melissa and Kira have definitely changed a bit since when I first met them...or maybe they haven't changed, but their facade is gone. The first few days I was here, I went into random people's rooms, which is so incredibly hard for me, and I tried to make friends. Now its as if Jan, Melissa, and Kira let me tag along. My board on my door is covered wth notes for Jess from Melissa and Kira asking her to have dinner with them, or go to Wegman's with them. When they come in our room, Kira and Melis go straight for Jess's corner of the room. They give me a slight wave, and then have their own conversation with Jan. Am I jealous? Absolutely. It feels as if I'm the transition girl. People hang out with me until something better comes along.
Its just a lot of little things that have been going on that bother me. Today, when Kira made a reference to a private joke that had happened the night before, I asked her what had happened. She answers, "I don't want to tell you now. Wait till Melissa comes back, so I don't have to tell the story twice." OK, no big deal. Meliss walks in, and Kira proceeds to tell the story when Melissa interrupts because she apparently already knew the story. So Kira says, "OK then, you tell her [me]." Melissa refused, and the two of them were arguing because neither one wanted to tell me the stupid story. Its like, wow, you guys have to fight over who has to talk to me.
Or last night, Kira and I got out of class at the same time, so I asked if she wanted to go to dinner with me. She said sure, and that we (Melis, Jan, Kira and I) would go to dinner at the student union around seven. So, after class I didn't go to the dining hall or the student union because I figured I had already made dinner plans. Apparently, the three of them changed their minds and went out to eat instead.
I can't attract a boy to save my life, but I've given up on them. They probably depress me more than anything.Ah well, at least I live in the Tech Age where artificial insemination is an option... :o). Actually, Lila is a virgin too, and she's going to be 21, so I don't feel so out of place. At least I'm not the only one walking around.
Allison has become really good friends with her roomate, so she seems to have disappeared. She still says hello to me, but we haven't hung out since that first night I was here almost three weeks ago. She's always busy with Hope, her roommate. The first week and a half Alli and I would go out to lunch or dinner, or sometimes she stopped by the room just to say hi. She still says hello to me when we see each other in a hallway, but I think I got dropped by her.
Am I overreacting? Possibly, but I don't think so. People piss me off when they're so fickle. Don't lead people to believe that you like them, and then drop them. I'd rather know from the beginning that a person didn't like me, instead of having them pretend.
I'm trying to keep myself busy with academics and stuff. Hope fully I'll be pledging for Iota, my sister's sorority and maybe I'll meet people that way. Plus, it'll keep me busy and its a great way to get involved with community service. I'm also looking into joining some clubs or something, and next semester, I'll hopefully be doing research with a professor and a research group with grads and undergrads.
For the first week or so, I saw why people love college and are so upset to leave. I found out that it wasn't the homesickness that was killing me so much, but the loneliness up at school. But you know what? Nothing will ever change. Its a fact and that's the way it is. People just don't like me, and that's the way things are. It's not the school, or the dorm, it's me. Yes, I would love nothing more to have as much fun at college the way I did when I fist arrived in Binghamton. But that's just not the way things are. I seem incapable of making friends, so I might as well worry about the things I can control, like academics.
Next year, I'll hopefully have my own apartment. Yes I hate being alone, but I hate being around fake people even more.
Phobia of the Day: Cyberphobia- Fear of computers or working on a computer
Until my next ramble
Artist
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