Ugh! Part 3 feeling defeated again in 2018

Still in pain. Still miserable. Still crying from frustration. I told my mom that when I say all this shit is destroying my psyche that I am not joking it really it. My spirit is crushed. My soul is crushed. I feel hopeless and defeated. If I am going to be in pain for the rest of my life TELL ME so and help me with a pain plan. I don’t want any more false hope. I want a 10000000% SOLID TRUE ANSWER. Doctor wants me to try physical therapy again. Hasn’t worked before I don’t hold high hopes it will work now. I feel I have done everything I can so far.

MRI - done at the very least twice
Physical Therapy - done at least three times
Pain Meds - Been there done that doesn’t seem to help but fucks with my other meds
THC - Slight help sometimes

I have been to three doctors. My primary, my old primary who is doing the muscle activation, and a pain doctor who flat out side he doesn’t know why my upper back hurts all the time. It is hard not to feel defeated and alone. No real answer given. I have had this for at the very very least SIX years. That is well beyond the time frame of everything I have read, seen and heard to classify as chronic pain. I just want answers. Why am I in pain? Why can’t anything be found? Why does nothing help? I don’t just feel defeated and alone. I feel helpless and a burden to my family. My psyche is destroyed. I flat out told my mom today if I hadn’t TJ I wouldn’t be here I would’ve taken my life. He is my reason for living. He is my everything. He is all that is holding me together anymore. Honestly I am about ready to just go back to what I was doing. Hide the pain and lie. Lie my ass off.

Some way to start of the new year. Feeling broken, defeated, alone, miserable.....just like how 2017 ended.....awesome