I want to tell my story. I want so badly to be OK again and I want others to know what happened to me. I was raped, less than a year ago right after I had moved away from friends and family. It was at an aquaintances house. I woke up to this man doing this to me. I started to shake so bad. I was in absolute shock and all I can remember saying is “were you just raping me, what were you just doing to me?” I cant explain to anyone how that moment felt when I realized what had just happened and what he had done. His daughter was my age, his wife was sleeping in their room in the same house, I had just met his family that night with my boyfriend… The next thing I remember I’m waking my boyfriend up who had slept on the couch, I was holding my pants, my underwear was still inside of them. I remember screaming in the car (thats all I could do) and crying so hard as I sped to the hospital where I had a rape kit done, my boyfriend stayed with me for the several hours I was there, holding my hand. I had to call my family and tell them what happened - I left in a matching pink sweat suit the hospital had given me. My hospital bracelet, bandaids on my arms from shots, and a manila office folder with information/pamphlets on how to handle everything, a peleuohora of medications.
The next few days felt so surreal but I felt I actually was handling it OK, I took a few days off of work and stayed with my Mom (Reliving and writing about it is not easy.) I knew it wasn’t my fault, I had been interviewed by detectives, the mans DNA was found inside of me from the kit and he was arrested and charged with second degree rape.
Shortly after everything happened (about a month or two after) my boyfriend began acting distant, he wouldn’t show me any affection and I felt like he was disgusted by me because of what had happened. He ended up breaking up with me, over text. I was alone at home on my couch digging my fingers into the cushions and sobbing. “No” I kept saying quietly between sobs. I was crushed. He left me because of who I had become, I was broken to him because of what this man had done to me. All I wanted was his love and support, I just wanted him to hold me and say it was going to be okay, he left me when I needed him the most, and that hurt.
To love someone so whole heartedly (he didn’t know I loved him so much) and for him to leave me when I was like that, to not even have the decency to talk to me in person about it, hurt so deeply. I just wanted him. I would have nightmares about that night, I just wanted to wake up next to him. He failed me… failed me as a boyfriend, a friend, or as a decent human being with emotions or even the most basic understanding/feeling of sympathy.
I was so angry, angry that the world just kept on going, everyone kept living their lives, and I was stuck. I had to await trial by myself (I’m still waiting, mind you it didn’t happen that long ago.)
Over the course of a few months, the now ex boyfriend would ask to see me, he’d say things like “I miss you,” “I care about you,” “I want to see you.” Yeah, I fell for it. I actually believed him and I wanted so desperately to find relief, and I would for the few hours I would get to spend with him. He was using me. I haven’t seen him now for a few weeks at most.
The prosecuting attorney, detective, and sexual victims advocate asked me to come in one day to talk (this was months ago, I had met with them a few times before for questioning, etc.) They dropped the biggest bomb I could ever imagine on this day, I cried harder when they told me this than when I drove to the hospital that night. I immediately started to bawl, I held my face in my hands and just sobbed for I don’t know how long. I remember the advocate immediately dropping to her knees next to me and holding me while I cried. I had to of been drugged, because they told me I wasn’t raped by just one man but by two. ( I do not want to get into the graphic details, or explain everything, but it was an absolute definite conclusion) the few guys who were there that night were all going to be brought in for DNA samples, including my ex boyfriend.
I turned entirely to drugs and alcohol after they told me this.. on top of my boyfriend leaving me, I just couldn’t handle it all.. it got so out of hand that I quit my job a few days ago and drove the three hours to my moms in the middle of nowhere to escape it all, and most importantly to begin healing. I don’t know how long I will be here or how long it’s going to take to feel OK but I want to start journaling, I want to talk about it, and I want to get better. I think that writing every day will help me. I already feel better putting this out there in the universe for people to know. This happened to me, this is my life.
I did find out who the second rapist is which I will talk about in tomorrow’s entry. But for tonight I’ve talked enough about it, and would like to put it away in my mind. Goodnight, and thank you for hearing me.
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