to the void in 2018

1:40pm

I don’t really want to continue to talk about the same subjects over and over again, but I don’t necessarily know how to stop. I mean it’s the only thing running on a constant loop in my mind. It’s not like I can help it! I guess I could pretend it’s not there, but that’s not really going to do me any good is it? This is the only place where I can talk about these things, so that’s probably why it ends up making up most of my entries. Some day I’ll jump on to another subject and forget all about this one, I’m sure.

The other day I was watching NCIS and the story was about this girl who ended up having a secret video diary on her computer and I thought, “holy cow, that’s me.” Only in words not videos, and I’m not leading a double life in the way she was. haha. But still. They were saying things about what that meant about her. Talking to the void, wanting to express herself, needing to be heard kinda thing. Nobody in my ‘real life’ knows about this place. At least not that I know of. Maybe they’re all secretly reading? I wonder sometimes what they would say. If my mom, or my brother, or my friends found this place and learned about every thing that runs through my mind. I feel like they’d be shocked about the sadness and broken parts of me. I like to think I’m really good at hiding that. At living each day without giving away the fact that sometimes I feel like I’m dying inside [not currently, but certainly throughout most of last year…]. I think they’d be shocked by the guy stuff too. TF in particular since no one really knew about him. They definitely do not know the whole story either.

I feel like maybe that’s why I’m still spending so much time processing the whole thing. Because I’ve never been able to talk to another human about it. I just come in here and write the words and then that’s it. I’d considered talking to Y about it since she actually knew I was trying to hang out with him, but I guess I was too embarrassed when it finally came down to dishing on the real story. I feel stupid for being so crazy about it. I’m embarrassed at the way I lost myself. Some times I feel dumb for defending him and our actions. Maybe I just didn’t want to be judged and I felt like there’s no way someone could hear the whole story and not judge it. It was nuts! I probably should have sought out counselling the way I’d wanted to. They’re not allowed to judge you, right? haha. It’s still an option, maybe, for the future.

I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t still have a pretty big impact on me. I know that being back at work has brought up a lot of this stuff again. It was kind of in this “out of sight, out of mind” state and now it’s back. All the old entries from a year ago are about him. There are tons of reminders at work including the fact that we also work with several family members. It’s just every where.

I went to church on Saturday evening. First time I’ve gone in a while. Since November maybe? And I don’t know what it was about being back there but all these memories about TF came flooding back. Like the stuff I’ve been trying to let go of: not getting what I wanted. the fact that he didn’t end up meaning more in my life. not ever being able to see behind the façade. Thinking I’d had it all figured out. Feeling like I was following some pre-destined path.

I think maybe I got a little upset with God over this whole thing because I thought I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and I blamed him for taking away the reward I thought I’d earned. See, I’d always had it in my mind…

It’s been over a month now and I cannot convince myself to come back to process and finish this entry. I think I’m going to post and leave it where it stands. I’m not even sure what the rest of that line was supposed to be now. The thoughts will come out eventually.

rose.

Last updated February 26, 2018