testing, testing in 2018

10:05am

Guess who’s procrastinating on projects again? =]

I always forget it’s a holiday weekend until I sit at work and watch all the travellers go in and out of the coffee shop all day long. That’s always the tell-tale sign. Crazy tourists. It’s fun if I at least get to people watch by the window, but sometimes there are things you can’t unsee. =\ There’s currently a guy loudly speaking on his cell phone giving someone directions to where he’s at so they’re very clearly traveling through town. Now that’s not something I need to worry about seeing but I mean there’s pluses and minuses to being this close to a main road. Like they take up all of the parking spaces, and make a mess, and the cute single ones end up living too far away. ;)

My point was basically that all the strangers outside make me realize it’s a holiday weekend. And I’m at work.

At least I get tomorrow off!! Small victories.

I’m still trying to figure out my sleep and get readjusted to this new schedule. I’m sticking to the same routine as last year since that worked out pretty well. Three days a week I wake up about 20 minutes earlier and “exercise”. Meaning I do a bunch of stretches, lift weights, and work on my leg/hip muscles. It seemed to really help last year, especially with the hip and sitting in a chair for most of the day.

In an ideal world I’d lose weight while doing this but I’m not exactly changing any of my eating habits. So I can’t get picky. I think it’s good enough to feel healthy and enjoy the self-confidence I seem to get when I look in the mirror.

I don’t think I realized how much of an impact the pain/depression was having on my life. I don’t even know if I should call it “depression”. I wasn’t diagnosed with anything. I didn’t even see a doctor or talk to anyone about it, but I was definitely going through something. And maybe I was in a little bit of denial sometimes too. But now that I’m feeling better I can see pretty clearly how much it affected me.

It’s so nice just to be able to MOVE again. That really took it’s toll on my mind and body when I struggled for each and every step. Even when I was good, I wasn’t the kind of good I am right now in this moment.

Honestly, I’m pretty scared inside that it’s not going to last. I’m down to the last three days of the steroids and I’m afraid that stopping will automatically revert me back to where I was. I know that’s not really logical but it’s an anxiety I’m currently trying to push out of my mind. I don’t want to go back there. I want to stay here. And even today when my knee has a little twinge of stiffness/pain, I have to fight very hard not to feel like it’s all going to fall apart again.

I know that steroids are definitely not a long term solution, and I’m not really keen on taking any of the other meds that are currently available [mostly because of side effects and no proof of actually working], so if I fall apart again I don’t know what I’ll do. And I don’t know how to keep myself in the healthy state that I am currently enjoying.

No point in worrying about it now, huh?
Moving on…

I think somewhere up there I was actually trying to say that I’m feeling really good about myself these days. hah. Like I have all of my confidence back and I’m smiling at myself in the mirror again and everything! So nice! Maybe I’ll get a couple more proposals out of this year with this high self-confidence. It seemed to work last year. haha! You never know who’s going to walk in the door. =)

I saw a kid this morning that looked a lot like TF’s little guy and I don’t know. I think I need to get that meeting over with. Just to see him again or whatever so I can stop thinking about it. It’s not that I only want to see him once and then not hear anything again for another year, but I guess I just want to know what it’ll be like. What will he say, what will I do, how will it all go down? I don’t like the unknown.

Despite all the crazy, y’all know that I did like him. That’s the closest I’ve ever been to feeling like I was in love with someone and could spend the rest of my life with them. So I’m just not sure if seeing him again is going to cause me to panic or be cool. Not that I still feel that way about him right now, but I haven’t seen him in almost a year. He could walk in here and flash that wicked smile of his and I could be done for. You never know. I’d like to think I’m stronger and smarter than that but you really never know. Those chemicals that flood your brain are a powerful force, as we’ve recently learned. ;) I’ll be fine though. I just want to know.

It’s not just him I’m waiting for either. It’s all my favorites. It’ll be nice to see them again and catch up. It’s always this game like who’s going to show up this year and what stories will they tell! That’s my favorite part of this job.

We were just talking this morning about whether or not we thought CK would come back this year. Funny how after everything he ended up being this tiny little blip on my radar last year. I always expected he’d be a lot more than that if he showed up again. I guess it all has to do with timing and he managed to show up in the couple of weeks between TF’s exit and the Sheriff’s reentrance. Plus he was only in town for like a week and I only saw him the one time. It couldn’t really be much more than that little blip anyway. We’ll see this year.

Oh, of course TF’s brother just updated his appointment in our system and cancelled for next week. He’s probably scared we’re going to have him make us pozole again. haha. I’m sure he’ll come back. At least he responds to the messages the company sends. Now Mom started talking about their sister’s wedding. Hmmm....Perhaps the problem is that there are just too many damn reminders of this guy around here. -_- I keep trying to talk about him like it’s no big deal but mom doesn’t continue the conversation like she does with everyone else. Makes me kinda self-conscious I think. It’s not supposed to be a big deal!

I get that this is long already and I probably shouldn’t leave the window open because I keep adding to it but I need to talk about the client real quick.

So we’ve been talking a lot. Or we were up until I started back at work. Not sure if the texts slowed down because I warned him I wouldn’t respond as often, or what. But anyway. It’s been good. Which I guess makes me feel a little bad because why the heck don’t I like him?? He’s seriously kinda perfect. Like he does all of the things I always say I want some guy to do. He talks to me and wants to hang out. Yet there’s nothing there. It doesn’t bother me that we aren’t texting as much. I can go days without hearing from him and it’s not a big deal. He’s nice to talk to but there’s just no spark. He’s not a bad looking guy either. Very nice eyes. But nope. Nothing. Not even when he was in here talking to me the other day. We talk, and laugh the whole time, but still nothing. It’s kinda sad. What’s wrong with me that I don’t just go for a guy like that?

He invited me to another comedy show last night. I was surprised when he invited considering I’ve turned him down for every other hang out. Including New Years when we were texting and he kept saying things about how he could have made me dinner if I’d gone over. I did get a little offended when he basically implied I was boring for not leaving my house and he couldn’t understand my need to be alone and rest. I was kinda tipsy though and just stopped responding. Maybe that’s why he didn’t really text me after. That was a little weird because he’s always popping up with something or other. He’s always initiated conversation with me. I even felt a bit weird when I reached out this last Sunday to see how things were going since I’d never really done that before. I was joking with mom that maybe it was some kind of test and since I finally reached out that’s why I ended up with lemon bars the very next day. haha.

I opted out of the comedy show though. I’d already told him it might not be a good idea because it didn’t start until 8ish and I had to work the next day [today]. He brought it up again on Monday when he brought the treats and I told him that I was honestly leaning towards no just because we’d get back late and work and all that. I didn’t hear from him after that night so Weds after work I reached out again to give him the definite no on going. We chatted a bit, continued some on Thursday and now we’re back to nothing. Again though it doesn’t bother me at all. Just a little strange since we were talking every single day including when we both went on vacation. We’d send random pictures [of the snow, or some touristy thing, etc]. We’d catch up at the end of the day on all the happenings. I’m guessing it’s because of work and maybe he doesn’t want to bother me. Don’t know?

I did actually consider going this time around. I was up late last night anyway because we ran to do errands and had dinner out. It wouldn’t be that hard to show up for one more day of work slightly tired.
I think what really stopped me though was the idea of riding with him in his truck. The show venue is about an hour away and it wouldn’t make sense for us to take two cars, especially because we’re starting and ending from the same place. We didn’t actually talk about it but I assumed he’d probably drive. And I just could not imagine sitting in the truck with him for the drive. I’m not ready to be sitting next to another guy, even if this particular guy does not mean anything to me in that sense, I couldn’t handle the idea of sitting there watching him. Too many memories. The wounds are still too fresh. It still stings to have had what I’d always wanted and then lost it.

Maybe by the summer. Maybe then I’ll feel comfortable enough to go somewhere with him and accept his invitations. I feel stupid for even being bothered by it and letting it affect me still but it is what it is. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

And now I’m gonna go so I stop rambling on about the same ol’ things.

rose.
2:47pm