Changes... in Deeper Bits (Emotional and such)

I'm realising I'm getting very down at night. I'm usually fine during the day, but at night, I don't want to be bothered by anyone. The neighbor boy means well, and I know he's just trying to get away from his bat shit mental sister, and his parents who can be a bit... well... iffy at times. I've not the heart to just tell him to go home though. It's weird that sometimes I can be a complete asshole and have no issue with it, and other times, I don't bother demanding what I want. But I've digressed. I don't know if it's the single thing getting to me, or if I've got SAD, (I've been here 3.5 years, and I'm still not used to how short the days can get in the winter time.) or if it's something else. The not wanting to be single has been a back burner issue for a long time, but because of past history, I've not really been willing to open myself up to that. Then there's how seeing my friends getting married, having kids, etc, is also getting me down. I am happy for them, but it still hurts me to see others getting where I want to be. S brings C over, who is now 6 months, and I love spending time with them. But I still feel so damn empty inside. C's dad, who S doesn't really want anything to do with, is a complete shit. C actually came to be without S's permission. The shit took advantage of her, and I think got her pregnant intentionally, although I have no way to prove that. I wish he would just disappear. S is great, good ole' country girl, raised proper, always tries to do the right thing, etc. But we've too many differences to date. I've seen and talked to a few girls I think I'd like to date, but I've just not been willing to make the move and close the deal. Yeah, I know, 20 seconds of insane courage. I'm just starting to feel like I'm going to be on my own forever, and I've no clue how I'm supposed to make myself be okay with that. I can get by fine on my own, I've been doing so for 2 years now. And it's not like I need someone else. I pay the bills myself, clean the house myself, tend to the pets, do the yard, dishes, laundry, shopping, all on my own. I just want someone here. I don't have anyone locally that I can totally open up to. I'm not pretending to be something I'm not, as I can only be myself, but I can't have the really good conversations with anyone locally. That's something I miss. I've not been so much as kissed since June of 2012, and S is the only one who hugs me. I want a bit more though. I want someone I can snuggle up with and just feel close to. sigh I'm probably just going to have to write that off, and get the hell over it. Still nothing from the good ex. Probably won't hear anything from her either. Ah well. I gave it a go.