side effects in 2018

4:37pm

I want to say things today but I don’t know where I want to start.

Mostly I’m probably just procrastinating on my work. I checked a few more items off my to-do list today but I can’t say productivity has been all that high. We had a big meeting earlier today that took about an hour and a half online.

Now that I think about it, I’m not sure I’ve gotten that much done at all. haha. Oh well. I’ll work on improving tomorrow. It’s almost time to go home tonight and I’m done with today. Actually, I’m hungry. I really need to plan this out better. I think I mentioned that already though. There’s just been a lot of soup/caldo in our diets lately and that’s not enough substance for me. I need meat, and potatoes, and other good things!

Also, I’m pretty sure it’s this new medication that has me hungry all the time. Like I’ll eat a regular meal, something that would have been perfectly satisfying a week ago, but now I add more to it. Then I have a snack. And something else to munch on. And I’m picking at everything that’s within arms reach. It’s crazy. I’m just constantly hungry and I can’t stop the feeling.

I’ve actually had to consciously start to think about stopping myself from grabbing more food. I know for a fact that I don’t need it so it’s not hurting me to stop. But I have to remember to pull back. That’s not fun.

What is funny is that the pills specifically say that “loss of appetite” and weight loss are common side effects. HAH! Lies! All lies! I remember this being an issue last time around too. I don’t know why that stuck with me but I vividly remember stuff like going out to eat, eating my entire plate of food clean, and then eating off of other people’s plates, which I never do.

Anyway, I also think that I might have a cough from these meds too. Kinda like when I tried those BP meds. Because I’ve had this cough since the weekend. About a day after I started the meds. The only thing is that my mother came back from New Years and immediately got sick. Plus the flu in this State is at like its worst in 10 years. I’ve never seen any colds start with a cough though, especially not mine. So I’m holding out hope that it’s only a side effect but if it lasts all month that’s going to be super annoying. I hate coughing!

I’ve been drinking only warm drinks and tons of teas lately. I kinda want to go back to my regular routine though. Whiskey’s not as fun just mixed with warm water. hah. Although I guess technically I’m not supposed to be drinking a lot with these meds anyway. So boring. =( But fingers crossed this all goes away soon. I don’t want to be sick or have this cough. I just want to live out my normal life so I can focus on getting my work done. [ not that I’m doing much of that either haha ;) ]

In other things that tend to run through my mind now that I’m back at work full time: TF.
This is also coming up because pretty much every entry from last year has at least one [dozen] mentions of him and I’ve been reading back as previously stated.

There are so many reminders. And basically every day I wonder if today will be the day I hear from him. I don’t actually expect to hear/see him again until late this month or early next month but it’s still a thought. What will we do?

This is the first time in at least the last few years that we haven’t seen each other during the off-season. Even when we weren’t anything. We still saw each other because of work. So this is the longest I’ve gone without seeing him maybe since we met [4 or 5 years ago]. This normally wouldn’t be a huge thing. I mean it works this way for most of my clients, only seeing them once a year, but add on to it all the new shared history and it feels a little weird. Not in a bad way. Just different. Like is any of that old stuff going to be between us when we meet again?

I imagine there will be at least a hint of hey, we liked each other for like a minute […and we both probably fantasized about doing dirty things to each other…] and oh yeah we can’t talk about any of that now but it happened....

I don’t know? Maybe I’m the only one that will think anything at all?

A little while ago I walked up front and mentioned to mom that I don’t think I’d realized pickup trucks still had those little windows in the back you could slide open. The reason this popped up was because I was staring out the window and there was a brown truck parked right in front with one of these windows that caught my eye. Stood out more for whatever reason.

She got up to look at it and I mentioned it probably belonged to one of the ranchers sitting outside the shop but I guess she didn’t hear me because out of no where she goes, “Isn’t that TF’s truck??”
Uh....no. I couldn’t tell her that I’d already gone over the look of the truck in my mind and determined that it was not in fact his truck before I even mentioned it, but still. Out loud I said I didn’t think so and that his was older I thought and reiterated that I thought it belonged to one of those guys.

It’s not the first time a brown truck makes me think of him. Pretty much every single one that comes into or near that parking lot gets my mind racing, but it was interesting to hear her say it. She doesn’t bring him up much. Well, we have been able to joke about him more lately, but still. It’s just the Mickey/Minnie mouse stuff or whatever. I didn’t realize she knew what kind of truck he drove or paid attention to that sorta thing. I guess I better be careful next time I stare too long trying to figure out if it’s him or not. =\

I know I’ll update this when, or if, we run into each other again. I even said today that I wondered if he was going to come back this year. We haven’t heard from him in a long time. And then I made a joke about how maybe he was scared to come in. Maybe he thinks I’ll hurt him or something. She wasn’t really feeding into my rant though so I just went on to say that I couldn’t understand a thing like that because I’m so sweet and innocent. ha. I might be a little scared of me too… ;) heh heh

If we want to get all psych talk and dive deep into my current feelings - I might say that all of this is coming up because I’m missing being wanted in that way. I got that tiny taste of it and I want to try it again. I’m finally starting to feel healthy and happy again and I’m starting to miss that feeling. The sensation I felt when that man flirted with me. The desire. The feeling of being in front of a man who couldn’t seem to keep his hands off you. I mean, come on!? Who wouldn’t miss that? Who wouldn’t think about that and want that again!? Certainly not I.

rose.
9:59pm