in the same box in 2018

4:00pm

Let’s see what we can talk about today, shall we?

I like the idea of continuing to write all the time even when I don’t have weird boy drama going on. This can’t be all about that. I do actually have life stuff going on in my normal day-to-day world, although I guess I feel like that’s not as exciting. Whatever. This is basically only for future me anyway, right? :)

I’ve been reading through old entries. Every once in a while I like to go back and read something just to see what I was thinking back then. I like to see where my head is now compared to those moments. It’s always interesting.

Today I’ve discovered that I really am doing so much better these days.

Last night I’d found myself wandering around the entries from July. Back when I’d contacted the Sheriff about visiting his area. It was kinda where things had picked up with him since there had been very little thoughts and/or feelings about him since I’d seen him in April. Mostly I was trying to figure out why I’d had such a hard time letting go of him this year. I mean I’d felt the same way about him last year after we met but I’d pretty easily forgotten him, except a thought or two here and there. I realize a lot of that was because my mind was preoccupied with a certain other guy but still.

So when I got into work today I went back and finished reading. I think I pretty much skimmed every entry between then and the end of the year and I did notice a few things.
Like the fact that reading over it now actually makes me smile. Thinking about the words we shared and how easy going we’ve been! If this were a couple months ago those words would sting and I’d probably have tears welled up in my eyes. I didn’t have any of that today. Ok, maybe a second or two when I read the tougher/sadder things I’d written. I can just tell how damn hurt I was.

But I think he just became this guy that was guilty by association. I can tell how traumatized I was by what happened last year. I put him into that same category, even though I don’t think he meant it that way, and it crushed me.

Also, I think maybe I let myself get too excited about the idea of seeing him outside the office. I was a lot more let down by the fact that he didn’t show up in August than I cared to admit and that’s what hurt me. I held on to the feelings too long and bottled them up too tightly. They sorta just exploded along with everything else from last year. They all joined together in the darkness.

Had things happened with him any other time, even in the exact same way, I don’t think I would have taken it so poorly. I don’t think I would have been so hurt by it. It just so happened to have occurred at the same time as everything else and so I reacted to it differently.

Oh well. I mean, it’s done. There’s nothing I can do about it now. I guess I’d pushed things so hard, and wanted them to work so badly, because everything else had just gone so terribly with TF. Like I somehow wanted this other guy to make up for what he’d been lacking. I wanted him to fix things. To show me that not everyone was going to hurt me that way.

That wasn’t his responsibility though! Not at all! This was my own thing and I needed to work through it and heal myself. No one else could do that for me.

I am so glad I can look back on it now and smile. And I’m so damn glad that I never actually had the chance to put all that pressure on him. I am so grateful that the Universe kept me from him the way that it did because I’m not sure what would have happened if it hadn’t. I think I really would have screwed things up. I didn’t even realize that at the time but SEE this is why every thing happens for a reason!

I feel like I’ve finally worked my way through this one. All the processing had been lost and mixed in with so many other things but now I think I’m there. I feel like I can go back to secretly hoping he shows up again this year. We can sit, and laugh, and I’ll give him a hard time again for joking about the things he should never joke about with a girl - like making her dinner! ;) And we’ll be just fine. He’s a good guy. I like him. I can’t imagine ever sitting with him and not having fun. So like I said, I’m willing to wait to see what happens but it’s nice to know that I’ve finally made it here to the other side! I feel like it’ll probably still sting if it doesn’t even turn into a friendship, but I’ll learn to deal with that. I’ll just add him to the list of unattainables. =P hah.

Damn it feels nice to be on this side of things. =]

Oops. I made this about a guy didn’t I? haha. My bad. Y’all know I can’t help myself!

I’m in the middle of working on JR’s box after I realized I hadn’t even started one for last year. Clearly I wasn’t interested in dealing with his stuff. It definitely needs to be done but I’m taking a break. I’ve taken a lot of breaks from it today. :)

Work’s not too crazy yet. Pretty quiet for the most part. I’m sure it’ll start picking up by the end of this week when people start receiving their paperwork. I need to put signs out by the street but it’s been raining the last couple of days [finally!!] and I don’t feel like walking in the mud. It should clear up a bit by tomorrow, I’ll work on it then.

We have this new appointment calendar thing at work this year and it tracks the day by moving a little line down the screen. You know, to show you where you’re at or what’s next. Anyway, whenever I walk up front I see it getting closer to the end of the day and I kinda like it. Like Hey Rose you’ve passed the half-way point! You’re so many blocks closer to the end! I don’t know. It feels like the time goes by faster that way or something.

Why am I talking about this? =\

I still want to talk about the client but I can never work him into the flow of these entries. He doesn’t seem to fit anywhere and then I get to the bottom and think, “nah, not enough room…maybe next time.” Which is pretty much where I’m at right now too.

I will say that he brought me treats yesterday though, in case I never get around to giving my spiel about him.
I saw a text in the early afternoon when I’d stopped for lunch that said, “guess who gets treats today.” [We’d had a huge break in texting from Weds night until Sunday afternoon when I finally contacted him first, which is super rare for us! So it was interesting this happened the very next day..] Later I responded and said I didn’t want to be self absorbed but maybe it was me and sure enough. He stopped by a little after 5:30pm with a plate full of lemon bars. We chatted for maybe like 10 or 15 minutes and then he went on his way. I was staying late to wait for a client so I didn’t try them until after I got home around 7:30pm. Honestly, they are really rich and sweet! Not what I was expecting at all! And I can’t decide if I’d never had a lemon bar before or if maybe I never liked them. ha. Don’t tell him that though. I told him they were good. I mean, it’s not like they were terrible but I don’t have that much of a sweet tooth! I think I’m going to have to find some kids to give them away to.

It was a really sweet gesture though and he’d been talking about them since before the empanadas. Even saying stuff over Christmas about it being my present. I’d actually just made a joke late last week about how I thought I was going to have to add them to my promised list, you know the one with the crab and the brisket and whatever other food a man says he’ll get me but never does. Glad to know it doesn’t have to be added to that list! =)

Like I said, there’s a bunch of stuff I want to say about him but it’ll have to wait for next time. I’ve got about an hour left at work so maybe I’ll work on this box some more. It’ll be nice to have it done and I have other paperwork that needs my attention too so yeah. Back to work I go.

rose.
4:59pm