I can't live there anymore in 2018

12:40pm

Hey look it’s almost 1 o’clock! Nice. My work day ends at 5 today so I’m almost done! It’s always good to see the time ticking away quickly because we all know I’d rather be on my couch sipping a drink and watching TV, especially on a Saturday!

I am really enjoying my coffee today though. I don’t know what it is but it’s been really good the last two days. I don’t feel like I’m making it any differently. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent the last couple of months drinking it with peppermint mocha creamer and now I’m back to straight black? Good to be back on the dark side? hah ;) Whatever it is, it is good and I’m enjoying it. I actually just warmed up the last half cup and am sipping away at it slowly. =)

Could be that I’m just in a really good mood too? I’m on a roll with this writing thing. I guess I had a lot to say but was avoiding this space and using the time to get my head on straight again. I keep saying it, and feel a little fruity about it, but the New Year really has brought a lot of clarity. That’s probably combined with the almost 4 days I took to myself this last weekend of the year. There was just so much processing and acceptance that I desperately needed.

I hate to say anything, because I always feel like I’m going to jinx it, but I am honestly starting to feel like my old self again. The old self before I got beaten down by the reality of life. And it feels so damn good! Like SO GOOD! I can’t even believe it in this moment and I pray to God that it’ll stick for longer than this day. Because this is exactly what I needed. This is the headspace I’ve been so desperately trying to get back. The one I’ve been sobbing and begging to be able to see again.

I know I have to take it one day at a time and pick myself back up if there’s a set back, as I always do. I’m just trying to be really positive and optimistic and enjoy this while it’s around. All that stuff from last year really put me into a dark place. A place that I didn’t like or particularly want to experience. And I know that I can let that hold me down forever or I can move forward and get back to where I know I feel good.

The dark and gloomy side of life has always been my constant companion. I gravitate towards it. It’s so easy for me to fall into it again and again. It was my place of comfort for so long. But I can honestly say that the few years I’ve been able to push past that have been the best ones. I know that seems really obvious but when you live with it for so long it’s hard to let go. It’s hard to feel like any other feeling is going to exist and/or keep you alive.

It’s really easy for me right now to stay in that super cynical mindset. People are terrible at following through and I can’t always trust their words. But even just now I corrected that sentence from “shitty and dishonest” to that because I don’t actually feel that all people are those things. Even now, I can still see the good. And honestly, I’m ok with that. I still want to see the good even if I get hurt again.

I was talking to my brother about all this and he said that it was about time I’d realized what people were truly like. That it was good I’d finally figured out what the rest of the world’s always known. And yeah sure that’s fine. But I know now that I don’t want to live there. Not with those feelings or emotions. Not with the constant cynical thoughts running through my head. It’s not good or healthy. And maybe someone else will call me naïve. Heck, I bet a lot of people will think or call me that over the course of the rest of my life but I don’t care.

I would much rather be naïve and happy than anything else.

Now I could probably end this right here but there are other things I have to say. :) They’re sorta kinda tied in to life changes and being better and looking out for myself.

The last few mornings I’ve woken up with the thought that I don’t want to put any more stock in to the Sheriff thing after this year. [barring any more natural disasters] This is assuming he’s going to show up, of course, because if he doesn’t it’s done anyway. It’s just that if he shows up and doesn’t ask me out and/or make any moves to stay in touch with me post-work meeting, I’ve gotta let that one go. I can’t keep putting time and effort into something that isn’t going to work. Like we all know but hate to admit - if he wanted me he’d come get me.

He knows exactly where to find me. He has all of my contact info except my cell phone number and home address but he definitely doesn’t need either of those to get in touch. Plus I made it really freaken easy for him when I personally reached out during the off-season. Twice. He had every opportunity to continue that if he wanted. So clearly he didn’t.

Honestly I wasn’t too worried about it because I know what he’s gone through. Yes I feel a connection when I sit down with him. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more like myself around anyone else. And it stung that he talked the talk but didn’t follow through. I’m not sure why but I can think of a half dozen reasons for him. He just went through a divorce after what he implied was a pretty bad marriage. [does that screw guys up the way it does some women?] We’ve got those wonderful 10 years between us and 200 miles. I don’t really know much about him personally. Like thoughts and feelings kind of stuff. Other than the bits and pieces he’s let slip during our meetings. I don’t know that we’d even be compatible in anything beyond what we have now because I haven’t spent any time with him outside of the office. I feel what I feel, and I picture nothing but good between us, but look what happened with TF. It’s all so unknown. Which is why I wanted to see him on the outside. To know what he’s really like when it’s just the two of us.

He definitely made it seem like he’d felt some thing that first year. I mean, enough to bring him back and for him to hint at and say all of the things he said. But I should know by now not to read too much into it. I actually started to feel bad that I’d been so hard on him. We have this thing going and I give him a hard time about everything. Remember he joked back in July that he was going to go pack for his guilt trip?

Well I’ve heard other guys say stuff recently about girls “busting their balls” or whatever and I thought, “oh shit. That’s what I always do with him.” That’s what our interactions are about because I’m so comfortable that my filter is off and I’m super sarcastic. But maybe what I think is playful teasing [which is what I always mean by my brand of witty sarcasm] is actually my picking on him and giving him a hard time in a not fun way. I guess I’d never even considered that guys could take it that way? I don’t know. I always assumed that I come off as a jokester and that it’s very clearly not meant to hurt. Now I see that it’s possible that I don’t. Who knew!?!

The only thing that keeps me from believing he really thinks I’m just a jerk is that one time [or maybe more than once] I apologized for being “mean” and I clearly remember him saying something like, “that’s ok, I need that in my life” or that he liked it and didn’t mind. I don’t know what the exact words were but it was in that general gist. So I felt better when I remembered that.

Now of course I’m remembering the time he told me that I couldn’t hurt his feelings and I basically scoffed and said I totally could. -_- Because I was caught up in the moment and he said I’d taken it like a challenge. haha. Whoops?

Who knows? He was fun and I would jump at the chance to hang out with him, but I have to be realistic right? I can’t stare at this door forever if it’s never actually going to open all the way. I’ll let this year play out how ever it is going to and then I’ll go from there.

2017 really taught me a lesson in patience. I didn’t actually think I’d get to a point where I could absorb and accept that lesson, but I totally did. Like things just happen when they’re supposed to. I have always known this, and said it a million times, but I get so eager to hold what I want in my hot little hands that I forget. And I push really hard for things that aren’t supposed to exist yet, if at all. I’ve learned that not everyone you connect with is supposed to be your forever.

I feel ok about waiting for this and seeing what happens. He’ll show up if he shows and I’ll move on if he doesn’t. I’m good with this in this moment. I’m ok with waiting. =)
Finally. hah!

I know that I’m not really going to seek anyone else out after this. I’ve learned that I definitely don’t want to do the dating thing. As fun as it sounds, and as much as the experiences could teach me a lot, I know that I’m not that type. I can’t handle the surface bs. I don’t want to waste any more time on anything that is not a lasting connection. I’ve learned that doing all that will cause me way more harm than good and I don’t think I could survive it intact.

So patience. Definitely. If some day some guy walks in here and sweeps me off my feet I’ll go with it. I’m not trying to be single forever. But I will not seek it out or push for it any more.

I say this and I honestly hope I follow through on my own words. ;)

rose.
3:53pm

Last updated January 13, 2018