Let's do better this round in 2018

3:17pm

I just realized I have to make a new book to post this to. 2018 already!
I’ve been meaning to come in here since like New Year’s Eve but motivation was low, as it always tends to be when I don’t have juicy boy gossip. hah ;)

Still NEW YEAR!!! I’m excited. [In a really calm, man I so hope this year is better, kinda way..]

I know it’s cliché to start over with the whole January 1st New Years thing, but I like it. It really is a fresh start. A way to track an entire year. To see where you came from and hope for where it might go.

Let’s just say that last year did not turn out the way I’d hoped for. Not at all. Not even a little bit. I was so optimistic and excited thinking that it was going to be a really good year for me. It was my lucky number so that had to mean good things right? …Wrong.

Although, okay, I can’t really say that. Despite the crazy amount of pain I was in for the last 8 months or so, I did learn a lot of lessons. I was able to learn a lot about myself and I see that now. It was dark as hell and I do not ever want to relive another year like that. I’m pretty sure I’ve never been that damn depressed. But I think I’m better now. I think I finally figured stuff out and I hope and pray that I’ve made it to the other side. I need better things in my life.

I know I’ve talked about it already but I think the thing that hit me the hardest was realizing how naïve I’ve been all these years about people and their intentions/actions. I imagine it’s like a little kid finally figuring out that Santa isn’t real or that magic doesn’t exist. I’d always seen such good in everyone and I guess in the end I’m lucky that it took almost 30 years to realize that people don’t actually mean every thing that they say. That’s a plus, right? =\

There’s been a lot of crying over the last couple of weeks. Even during the Wisconsin Christmas trip when I was trying to enjoy all the beauty and wonderful people. At night I still laid there and cried. Because no one wanted me. Because I’ve been in such terrible physical pain. Because I wasn’t good enough or worth enough.

That’s something I don’t think I ever really acknowledged - the fact that what actually killed me about the TF thing was that he didn’t think I was worth waiting for. He didn’t think enough about me to want to stick around and do what ever he had to do to have me. I know he wanted to get into my pants, but I also know that it was more than that and he couldn’t admit it. Don’t ask me how I know, and please don’t think I’m still being naïve, but I just know. It was in his eyes and in the moments we shared.

I believed so strongly in the idea of us that I couldn’t let go. I thought he was everything I’d always wanted and been waiting for. So I pushed really hard at the end of 2016 to make us work. There was that deadline with my going back to work full time and knowing I wouldn’t be as available. There was the fact that we could never find a free weekend to hang out [not that he was really asking]. It all made me act out of character though. To push for something that wasn’t right. And I continued to jump back on to that roller coaster ride until March when I just couldn’t take it anymore. It did crush me though. Letting go. Walking away. Realizing I’d never sit in that truck with him again and watch him throw his baseball cap onto the dash. Knowing I’d never be able to give him the affection he craved and I so desperately wanted to provide.

That’s what I’ll miss the most. That’s the part that was the hardest to let go of. All of the illusions I’d had of how perfect it would be the two of us together.
The problem was that I ignored how bad it was in the present while I stared so hard at the future.

That was my fault.

I know it’s crazy but I’m almost a little tiny bit excited to see him again. I think I’m finally in a place where I can look right into his eyes and be okay that we didn’t make it. [It has been almost 10 months since I’ve seen/spoken to him, not counting that one “Hey/Hi” email exchange] I know it doesn’t sound plausible but I woke up on January 1st and I thought about him and everything seemed so clear. It’s not that it won’t still hurt in the future, or that I won’t miss the heck out of him at times. It’s just that it didn’t really hurt to think about him. To picture him in front of me. I feel like I can finally see him and be like, “I’m okay. Everything’s ok. We both know I’m way too good for you!” I feel like he’d totally agree too. haha. =P

Maybe it’s a crazy delusion but I feel like we could go back to the way things were. Like before the flirting. Or maybe with a little witty flirting ;) Just normal interactions that I would have with anyone I’m friends with or can mess around with. The fun stuff without all the damn drama.

That’s one thing I learned! I do not ever want to lose myself in a guy like that again! I did not like that at all. I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t the person I thought I would be. All of my strong convictions about how I wanted things to be with a guy/relationship were thrown out the window and I was lost. I get that there were a lot of chemicals running through my brain causing this. The “love drug.” And sure I’d like to experience being in love with someone some day. I’ve got a lot in this little heart of mine to give away but if it is at all possible I would like to experience it without all that. Or give me some of that feel good stuff but not at the risk of losing who I am. That makes sense, right?

I don’t know. It’ll be interesting to see who shows up this year. We’ve been joking about the Sheriff lately [Mom’s back to calling him “guerito”, which she hadn’t really done in months]. Like I got a text on my phone and I wasn’t in a hurry to answer it and she goes, “I bet you’d answer if it was the guerito.” and I admitted it would take me about 2.2 seconds. haha. Also we were watching cops and I made a joke about how I was going to ask if he could wear his uniform to the office to see what he looked like. Tell him it’s mandatory in order to comply with the law. ;) Then today we found this piece of paper that said, “waiting for you” that she’d used before to slide under the bathroom door to me when a client came in. I was telling her that this year she can tell them to just shut up and wait until I come out and she goes, “unless it’s the guerito huh? ;)” and in that case I would like a note that says “get the heck out here right now!!!” haha.

We’ll see how it goes. I don’t even know if he’s going to come back and if he does it won’t be until April. I thought of several different ways things could go down with him but in the end I’ll probably just wing it. I do have a kinda sinister plan to be really nice to him. Like beyond my normal nice, which I’ve never even been with him because we connected so quickly and I felt so at ease that I was teasing him within the first half hour of meeting. hah. I just want to see what he’ll say, if anything, because I think it’ll throw him off guard.

I have a lot more I want to say, but I’m getting ready to leave the office [yes we’re back full time and it’s going to take some serious adjusting -_-]. I’m not on the computer a lot at home anymore and this might get lost in that little drafts folder that gets neglected. So I’m just going to post and go from there. Not a bad start. Let’s see if I can keep up the writing this year even without the drama [please Universe! no drama!]

rose.
5:35pm