01/03/2018 in Mental Health, 2017

I had my appointment with my therapist today. The first thing I did was mention my awful appointment with the other therapist. i wanted her to know that i A) at least tried and B)wasn’t 100% clingy specific to her. It’s more like 75%, but when you find a good therapist, who can’t really fault you on that, right? And I’m sure she enjoyed the stories in a “Now I know what i shouldn’t do to eff up this relationship with this paying client” manor. Win/win. I got that awful appt off my chest and she got to listen & take notes. ha.

She asked me what i thought my major things I felt I needed to work on priority-wise. I said perfection, people-pleasing, caring too much about what other people thing, and a general “if everyone else is happy, then I’m happy” mental attitude. I also told her about the zoloft mini-overdose incident and assured her that I threw away the rest. I also mentioned that i have not cut since I saw her last. I had to buffer the bad with the good.

She thinks I have codependence issues. At first I thought that meant that I was too dependent on others, and all I could think to myself was “I like to think of myself as very independent, thankyouverymuch.”

I did some research on it, because hey I gotta be that people-pleasing top-notch student. Here are some patterns & characteristics of codependency that fit me:

Denial Patterns: I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling. I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel. I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others. I can take care of myself without any help from others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns: I have difficulty making decisions. I judge what I think, say, or do as harshly, as never good enough. I value others’ approval of my thinking, feeling, and behavior over my own. I have trouble setting healthy prioritys

Compliance Patterns: I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger. I am hypervigilant regarding the feeling of others and take on those feelings. I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions and feelings when they differ from those of others.

Control Patterns: I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others. I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

Avoidance Patterns: I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation. I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.

There are A LOT more characteristics for each of these patterns but these are the ones that ring true to me. I got this straight from a pamphlet I found online from Codependency Anonymous. That is actually a thing and a thing that she wants me to try. Problem is that the only meeting she knows of conflicts with my football practice - the meeting is on thursday nights and football practice is every tues, thurs, and saturday this season. I did a google search on my own, and I can’t find any just as close that would work. Literally none in the county I live in, but a few in the county i play football in and now see her in.

Anyway, I see her again next month. Hopefully the fact that I’m only committing to see her once a month helps with her not thinking I’m a clinger. I was seeing her every other week at the old clinic.

Football practice started last night. I was one of few who still had gas left in her tank at the end of practice. Thank you, kickboxing.

Last updated January 03, 2018