121917 in Who I Am

So my ex came over last night and brought some Chinese and we hung out and watched American dad. It was really nice! We also had some bomb sex. Like seriously. If anything we are sexually compatible af.

But. He told me he is still in love with me, and he wishes that I was still his. He misses me, he thinks about me always.

Gulp.

I feel awful. I feel selfish for not letting him go, and telling him the truth. That I’ve let SO many guys hit this between now and when we broke up at the end of July. I’m 100% sure if he knew that, he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. I just really think that would be a dealbreaker. So part of me wants to tell him that, so he can move on with his life.

Another part of me is telling myself that he is such a great guy, hes going into a good field, will be incredibly wealthy, has a good family, is clean… Really other than being a few inches shorter than id like him to be, he’s perfect. I mean the reasons we broke up still remain. And I told him that last night. Gahd. I miss him. I really do. He was and is always there for me in ways I cant imagine someone else being.. but isn’t it always that way when you really love someone?? just cant imagine anyone else? and then one day there you are, with someone else. and you cant imagine it being any other way.

I don’t know anymore. I just want to enjoy Decadence with Alex but I’m already getting super nervous and anxious about that. Fuck. God dammit. WHY am I this way.

I have training in 2 hours, I might take a nap.
Hired 2 ppl today. They both start this week. woo.