Burn in The First Life

He says he found her dress,
And all I can think about
Is how much smaller it must be than me.
About all the nights I wondered if the next day would be the day.
Or the next..
Or the next.
I felt sick even though she’s probably better.
Better for him than me.
Those words my mom spoke to me the last time he left..
They never quit ringing.
An unwanted and inevitable call.
I was just the lesson he’d learn to get somewhere else.
With someone else.

Those nights, I’d fall sickly asleep to the thought of how he’d ask her.
I felt betrayed at just the idea.
Years into someone else and so much time apart.
Still felt those nights in Tennessee and how that was supposed to be me.
Begged my sleep to take me back there.
Let me be.
Let me sleep.
Let me stay there until someone told him I wouldn’t wake.

He divulges detail
Like stray ashes from a fire too large,
They fall, burning my shoulders..
My face…
I’m forced to remember the times I was weak and reached out.
The times I knew he was in pain.
All the times he’d give me one word and that was my reminder.
Another little heartbreak.
Another bit lip.
Bloody tongue.
Salted eyes and broken lungs.
Just enough to say he was where he wanted.

While I was never dreaming of my future,
I was fearing his.
Ripping my nails.
Tearing my skin.
Black sleep.
Afraid to lose control knowing what I might say.
To the wrong ears.
Knowing....
He was where he wanted and he never felt me burning.