I'll Rain for Days in The First Life

I don’t know if he comes here any more.

If you do, don’t feel bad about this one.

The morning was ripping me from those sheets.
Just like the sheets he left me in that early July, 2012.
I wanted to move slow.
I never move slow.
I shuffle through days like a deck of cards waiting for my hand to be dealt.
The time comes and it’s gone so fast.
I’m always begging for more.
Instantly wanting to tear each card and start over.
Wake up again, wake up again, wake up.
He makes me weak.
I break a little here and there.
Break when I feel that sting in my jaw.
The saltwater lining my eyes.
My hands shake.
Longing and missing and distance.
Chest heavy with more time.
As soon as I lose control, I feel it.
I have dreams again,
Over and over they repeat the same theme.
As if I didn’t already know my fears.
I wait to wake up next to him.
Fight sleep....wake up …fight sleep…wake up.
Fight.
I didn’t want to lose it. Promised I wouldn’t.
I guess part of loving is losing a little control.
No one else makes me feel these things, it’s dangerous…it’s scary.
I force my head into blinders trying to block out all the peripheral emotions.
Extras I don’t need, worries that tap on my brain.

Today hurt.
I don’t even know why.
Everyone said “don’t get hurt”.
Like I couldn’t take care of myself.
Maybe they just knew how hard this love falls.
If it does, it’ll crash like mountains against the sea.
It’ll rain for days.
I’ll rain for days.
I remembered that feeling today.
I felt it. Like something in me wanted the reminder.
Stay safe. Stay blind.

It’s young still.
But…this love has an old soul.
It has aged through years of absence and has grown smarter.
I hope stronger.
I grasp haphazardly for pieces that fit in the moments he’s here.
Trying to make something that will last.
Driving nails through old, heavy, wood.
Pouring pavement from my soul.
Hoping I can get it right this time.
Build something that won’t crumble.
Something that can keep us safe.

But things are not on our side.

Our lives are far.
He knows faces I don’t.
I wait in shadows with hesitation.
I’m ahead of myself..... getting ahead of myself…too far ahead.
I said I wouldn’t.
Here I am though.
Stay quiet. Things aren’t settled. Things are raw. I told myself to wait through that.
And I didn’t.
Knew it would hurt.
And it did..
It does.

There is so much ahead.
Things keep coming at us full speed.
Making it harder.
Making time longer.
I can’t do this alone but I always want to try…
Because I fear I’ll be the only one.

I can’t do that though.

It’s hard to let things go with hope.