April: Communication. recovery. night terrors. art hurt. family lost relationships in The Wonderland Years: 2010: transferred over from FOD. entries. Done.
- Feb. 2, 2014, 10:15 a.m.
- |
- Public
**'1st
- Do you laugh at your own jokes? All the damn time.
- Who is your favorite character on The Office? idk
- Have you ever gone water skiing? Nope.
- What's your favorite Gatorade flavor? don't drink the stuff
- Who was the last person you gave a piggy back ride to? um.....i don't think i ever have
- What's your addiction or obsession? oh wow
- What is your favorite Disney movie? Enchanted, Alice [the original], Princess & The Frog
- Have you ever climbed a rock wall before? Hah. No.
- When was the last time you bought a pair of shoes? been.......a few months. need a new pair of flats though
- What style of underwear do you wear (ex: thongs, boyshorts, etc.)? and that's your business because......?
- What kind of shampoo do you use? Garnier
- Do you own any shot glasses? no
- What are you most nervous for right now? idinno
- How long does it take you to do your hair in the morning? um, depends on if i'm goin out or not. If I am, 5 - 10 mins.
- Do you use any words that people make fun of you for (ex: neato)? no. But Michael uses 'cat', as in slang. And the other week this girl I knew when I was little and recently met up with. used the word 'fellow; "I mean, I love Hendrix as much as the next.......rock........fellow......". who are you, Dean Martin?
- Who is your favorite 80's band or singer? Cyndi Lauper count? Eurythmics are cool, the Floyd, Bowie.......oh, you said 'favorite'. idinno.
- When was the last time you worked out? ha. i walk everywhere.
- What's your favorite kind of nut? I don't really like nuts.
- Have you ever been to The Rock and Roll Hall and Fame? You mean, Of. Fame? and no
- Who is your favorite Sex and the City character? Charlotte
- Have you ever been caught sneaking out of your house? who's gonna catch me if I'm the only one who lives here.
- Are you broke? Nope.
- How much time do you spend on AIM a day? I'm never on it anymore
- When was the last time you went to a party? I don't go to parties I go to get togethers.
- Do you hate your job? what, my nonexistant job? wouldn't know
- Do you wear clothes that reflect your mood (ex: black shirt if you're sad)? no
- Do you know how to dance? do i know how to dance...............I took dance for 10 years I would certainly hope so. Very well. I'm the most creative dancer I know.
- If you see a penny on the ground do you pick it up? idinno
- Do you like asparagus? Not especially.
- How many different people have you kissed? like, ever?
- Have you ever ridden in a yellow taxi before? as opposed to..........? a purple one? and no.
- What is your most played song on iTunes? y'know. i actually don't have Itunes.
- Does your family put Christmas lights up during the holiday? Yup. Always do.
- Are you involved in any clubs? Naaaah.
- Where was the last place you went on vacation? oh...........oh, FL back in Jan.
- Did you ever believe in the stork? The one that brings babies in a sack, like on Dumbo? No.
- What color is the bra you're wearing now? ha.ha.ha.
- Do you have your ears pierced? Nope.
- What's your favorite Hostess snack? meh, not a fan
- Do you play padiddle in the car? whose car?
- How many dresses do you own? um............bout 10
- How do you like your potatoes? i don't
- Have you ever drank vodka straight out of bottle? no
- Are you a good speller? Oh yes.
- What's currently in your DVD player? nothin
- Where's the last place you went and got fast food? don't remeber
- Do you take daily vitamins? no. I'm so bad at remembering to take them.
- How do you feel about gay marriage? Go for it. Although the word "Marriage" is debatable.
- Can you tie a tie? actually no
- Has anyone ever given you flowers? yes **____________________________________________________________________________
'6th
.........relationships.
Before I start I'm going to point out that I'm stating this as fact. It's neither good or bad, right or wrong, it just is. I'm not looking for sympathy. Although, if yall relate, then yeah, go for it.
So.
As said. I've figured out what went wrong in my past 2 relationships. And I wasn't even high.
I never told my past 2 ex's what I needed from them. Sure, I wrote about it here, w/ my ex girlfriend, but I never phoned/emailed her and flatout told her 'hey, I need [more] commitment from you'/'it frustrates me that.......'/'I don't feel you're....which makes me feel,,,,,,,,' and so on.
But I've never been good at that. At telling people, 'hey I need this from you' or, 'hey man, that's not cool' when they say/do something I don't like. Actually, the only 2 people I mention that too, are Michael and Taylor, interestingly enough.
When we get out of relationships, we often think it's just the other person. Or, as pointed out in the movie '500 Days Of Summer', we only remember the good times.'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'6th**
It's now 40 past 2 a.m. I've been up 12 hrs. and 40 minutes.
Why I'm still up I.......really don't know.
The night terrors are back. I'm fine once I actually get to sleep; it's while I'm getting to sleep. I guess some people with night terrors have them while they're sleeping.
It takes me awhile to get to sleep anyway, but lately.......
so that's part of the insomnia.
Oh, it's raining. Yes that is a big surprise to me. I never believe them when they say it's actually going to rain. Which. It never does. It's more likely it'll snow than rain. So I hear rain and it's like 'what in the hell......?.......oh'. When it rains, it's never for very long. Unlike when it snows.
I guess I can't say 'never', since it does apparently rain, 10% of the time.
I noticed this a few years ago; as soon as I lied - laid? - down to sleep, I couldn't. And yet when I was physically up that's when I wanted to sleep.
Of course, the more I think about this the more. I don't sleep. Yes, very helpful.
And yet. I'm knackered. ' **____________________________________________________________________________
'"it's only by standing still that you notice the world moving" - me
Literally and figuretively. I first noticed the world move when I was 15; it freaked me out.
Figuretively speaking, I'm not sure what it means, exactly. but it's in there somewhere.
it sounds like a zen thing'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'.........recovery news.
So this upcoming weekend, just as they did last year, my mom and her choir are going to a retreat, I'm not sure where. My dad's going with them. Which is why I'm not going. I don't like him, as said, A; and 2; it means there'll be food which I'm expected to eat and my dad'll be in the same room, so.
Yeah, not happenin.
Were it just my mom and I then yeah, I'd go. I've actually gotten 'better' at eating when she's there.
I remember, during the auditions for this season's American Idol, Kate and I went to their place. We had pizza. it was very good. In the living room there'r 3 sofas. 2 are white. [Well. They have white coverings], one's againstt he back wall opposite the tv. Kate and Mom were sitting on that one and I was on the other, which is......um. To the right of it, with its arm sticking out.
I'm not really sure how to explain it.
Anyway, I was just finishing up my 2nd piece of pizza when Dad walked in. I went into the kitchen and finished it there.
It's easier, in a way, when you don't have to actually look at the person. I.e., if you're out to dinner, at a booth. Depending on who the person is. I'm not really sure why..... '
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'7th**
and I'm still awake. I'm confused and scared and tired and.......hurt.
yes I know go to sleep. Oh if only it were that easy.
Yes my grandmother's been in hospice yes we just don't know yes people are sorry. Oh you're sorry that the best you can do? Don't be sorry be effective damnit. Do something. Tell me it'll be ok make me believe. Make the world safe for me again.
And theeeeeeeeeere. it is.
"make the world safe for me again"
Sometimes. I hate being an adult. You have to come to terms with reality when all you'd really rather do. is get high.
If only.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bitch. I just..........I have a lot of emotions right now. You know how it is. I hope.
So, art used to make me happy. I was good at it. Then my mom said something about Evan's parents not looking at all of it. You really think I wouldn't've gotten that, with how perceptive I am?
Now, at most the art I do is photography. Yeah, sure, no one saw much of my art before but.......that never stopped me. But Evan made me believe, he'd talk to his dad about my art. I honestly didn't know if........you know. I guess. I could email his dad and ask.
But I don't want to ask only to have someone go against their word.
Art was part of what made me. me.
And I care too much about it to not let it effect me.
So how do you build yourself back up when someone takes away the very thing that makes you, you?
And if you're not going to look at something all of that something, then for the love of God, fukin be honest with me about it.
Look, I want to believe the best in people, I really do. I never want to flatout accuse someone of not being honest.
And when I told my other grandmother I was starting a family tree, she told me my uncle had already made one awhile back which, I knew. Which I took as ok he's the one I should be contacting.
So, what then? I shouldn't do this? I should just be bored?
Or not interested in my family's history?
Well.
I want to visit her. No, I really do. I know I know, it sounds like I'm making excuses. And yeah, maybe I am. But doesn't everyone? At least I'm not alone here. In this.
I don't want to be alone, when I already feel like I am.
I just. i don't like my dad, and why invite that back in?
And, I hate rivers. No, that's a very big thing for me. rivers. rivers.......creeks.........canals. I don't want to act like the assault didn't happen. Like, oh, of course rivers don't trigger me.
That was a pretty big thing.
And actually, if I'm going to be honest, I haven't actually taken the bus to her place, to see how it goes. So.
I'm starting to miss him, my ex. I miss being 'her'....miss being the girl he called 'beautiful' instead of 'hot'. We had a future together. Ya know? I've distanced myself from him.
He treated me like Audrey Hepburn, the way a woman should be treated. Well, up untill then, anyway.
I miss feeling protected.
Michael treats me the same way.
However.......I know he's busy and that's why we haven't gotten together. But because of this I feel abandoned. I'm trying to be patient not to push it. But wow. really.
What, I'm not allowed to be angry, hurt? Well newsflash; I'm not perfect. no, in fact, I'm not as composed as everyone thinks. yeah. you'd be hurt too.
Oh, and I still haven't gotten my EBT money. Again, I'm trying to be patient, understanding. Well, if it's not entirely obvious, I'm in recovery from my fukin eating disorder. In fact,as I'm typing this, my kidneys hurt. ow. Which clearly means I need food. I mean, that's the entire point. of the EBT money.
But even I. have a limit.
I've gotten used to it, not having the EBT money. ya know, shit happens and you learn to adapt. I'm fine, by the way.
what hurts more?
is knowing what a lie that is.
of course i'm fine. pretend you're fine and the world believes it, too.
that's all it is, really.
yes I know 'think of what you do have'. Well I'm tired of your optimistic crap. However, I get the point.
spose I should take myown advice; do something. Talk to at least Michael about the whole.......abandonment thing. Ya know, that's actually not a bad idea
why i'm typing all this now?
because. something happened earlier this morning that made me realise things aren't as ok as they seem.
well, I should really get some sleep. eventually. I'll fall asleep always do. As usual I have nothing going on today.
Again, I apologise for being bitchy but, as said. I have a lot of emotions right now.
it's now 4 a.m.
thanks for reading.'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
As mentioned, I like watching people play soccer, whether on tv or out in the park around 5. For one, my dad's a soccer ref. And for another, there's something so innocent about it. I guess....I like watching people in their natural element; dancing, drawing, performing, playing soccer. Observing others takes you out of yourself for a bit.
And all you had to do was step/look outside, to realise, that the world's much bigger than yours is.' **____________________________________________________________________________
'Apparently, Kate and Evan broke up. When I called her she was crying. She decided she didn't really want him to come to NY, again........not sure why. She was slightly incomprehensible, as she was upset. From my gatherings it was weird that he was so nice, which I get. Her, our mom and I are all independent women, in different ways. I'm one who needs her space.
And they've known each other since middle school, so it's not like.......a temporary thing. Like, they met and dated and then broke up.
I told her I didn't know what to tell her, which is true. If I don't know then I'll flatout tell you.
Apparently he'd deleted her FB photos, and to her, it's like he's deleting her. Now, ok if she were unattractive - which she's not- yeah, that'd be different. And no, you don't hurt my sister. Ever. Not cool. I don't care who you are.
Now I'm not going to talk to him asI know she won't want that. But......yeah.
Heartbreak's a bitch, speaking from experience.
I hope they work it out, as would anyone. We all buy into the fantasies of what we think love is, the top layer. We don't really think about the consequences of sex, or moving in, or.......anything, really.
Love's one of the most painful emotions you'll ever experience and it's also one of the most wonderful.
On her FB status I put 'you're beautiful! I love you!' because sometimes, you need someone to remind you that you matter to them. And while I know that's not the same as a boyfriend/girlfriend doing it,still.' **________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'So earlier tonight I went on monster.com to browse the jobs. I found one that looked interesting, a receptionist. You don't need experience, which, I don't have, in the receptionist dept. I don't know where the place is, though. A lot of the jobs want someone with experience. Well, that's helpful. I have volunteer experience. I'd like a paying job, part time.
In a few weeks I'm going to fill out an online application for Safeway and then go from there. I don't really have a plan, after.
But maybe Walgreen's.........though I'm never over there and I'm more apt to get a job [although the decision really isn't up to me] somewhere I frequent, which is Safeway even though I haven't been there because as said, the EBT thing.
Yeah, it's frustrating.'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'8th**
My grandfather - Dad's dad - died yesterday evening, unexpectedly. Between 5 and 6, looking at the mountains, which are important to him. Were.
I once asked him why he liked them, and he said he didn't know. Maybe I'm the only one whose ever asked.
He also liked trains.
He was a quiet person.
According to my mom, who told me, there won't be a service.
I didn't know him that well, so.
It's just. weird. Remembering him in the past tense..........saying/thinking/writing 'was', as opposed to 'is'. It feels. weird. I don't know how to feel.
You know, it's funny because just a few months ago Michael and I went up to the mountains, to Estes Park. They were incredible. The elk at the hotel [the Stanley] were magnificent.'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'13th**
So, as everyone knows by now, my grandfather [Truman] died last Wednesday evening, April 7.
The following day I went out at 5, and it felt. different. There was. something in the air. On the 7th it was between 5 and 6 p.m., so. Lately whenever I look at the mountains, I think of him. Everything's been more evident. It stands out more.
I like the mountains too. Then again, I love nature.
I only knew a few things about my grandfather. He was quiet, he liked trains/the mountains, he'd been married twice and he was in World War 2 as a field medic, I think in Normandy. According to my mom, he didn't talk about it when he was alive. But, he eidn't talk much. His being a field medic says to me he wanted to help people. And, vetarns of war often don't talk about their experiences, as some have developed PTSD. Which is what I have. due to the assault.
He wasn't in any pain when he died I know that much. As it was peacefully, this is an easy assumption to make, as are all assumptions. But it's one of those things I picked up on.
But I can get to know him. Talk to my grandmother, in a few weeks. My dad's mom. She was upset when she phoned me to tell me she wasn't able to get tickets for 'Othello'. I didn't want to see that particular show. I asked her how she was doing, to which she replied 'not well'. Clearly. As to be expected. She and my grandfather were married for 40 years.
But maybe that's all you can do to help, is state the obvious. And to be grateful when someone says 'I'm sorry'.
I asked my dad, when he brought it up, if they [he and his dad] ever went up to the mountains, and he said they did.
Not that I'd visited him [Truman] since last.........winter [2009] when I volunteered at the senior citizens center. I remember......when he did the excercises with us - myself, my boss and the other residents - I was happy. It still feels weird, even though I hadn't seen him. You just expect the person's going to be.......you know. There.
's not a tragedy, however.
All this time I was afraid my maternal grandmother [Bonnie] would.....go. And she will.
I guess I'm still in shock, denial. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, which implies I expect there's a certain way to feel.
I can't bring myself to say/type/think 'died', other than in that instance. It took me years to be ableto do that with Leon.
It's not that I don't feel sympathy towards my dad. It's that........our relationship is complicated. nonexistant.
My mom told me that if someone you know, their relative's died, if they bring it up then you can talk about it.
On Thursday, after visiting my grandparents, I want to visit Anita, Truman's second wife. Their daughter Susan [my aunt] is visiting her untill Friday, so.
I also want to visit Dad's mom, and maybe I will tomorrow. Well. I wanted to visit her prior to.........this. I need to phone her late rtoday and try to arrange something.
My aunt Cindy and I were talking about this Sunday afternoon during my grandparents get-together [more on that later]. I said it was weird and she agreed.
My aunt Sue [Mom's brother Dave's wife]'s dad died within these past 2 weeks also. The deaths.....Kate's breakup.........yeah it just hasn't been our month thus far. Sue was saying 'living in a fog'. When she brought up Harold's [her dad] death I mentioned Truman.
Interestingly enough, just this past weekend my parents went up to Estes Park [which is in the mountains] for my mom's choir retreat. I've been to Estes. Well, more accurately, I've been to 'the hotel'. I adore the hotel. 'The hotel' being the Stanley.
I always thought winter was a more fitting season for death, since everything's dead anyway. It's dark. cold. depressing. long. But maybe that's a philosophy of mine. Things don't always go according to philosophies.
Yeah. It's weird.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'As with many times in my life I'm so. lost. I don't know how to feel. And I guess I'm expecting others to know, to have the answers. To say 'yes this is how you're supposed to feel'.
Usually, I'm the one with the answers. I'm the one who's been there.
Ok so when I was in high school my great uncle Bill died but I didn't know him. Also, he lived in Missouri.
My mom's aunt died few years back but again. didn't know her.
But, as I emailed Kate, life doesn't come with an instruction manual. 2 + 2 doesn't always equal 4. Sometimes it equals 5. or 7. 10. 20. Nonmathematically speaking.
Yet another lesson on how to be ok with being lost. With not. having that control. not. being as self-assured.
The Stones were right. You don't always get what you want. People don't always shut up when they should or tell you it'll be ok or..........that yes what you're feeling is common.
Or that you're not alone.
Sometimes you have to ask but is that being demanding?
And. I'm not great with asking. Part of the reason I'm so perceptive is because that's how I want people to be. I'm a terribly needy person sometimes. Part of that is what I dealt with when I was little.
And. If I'm feeling lost then yeah. I'm going to be needy I'm sorry.
For instance. You're in a new place, a subway station. The underground. They're very confusing. Depending on the people around you you might stop and ask, because you need directions.
Winnie The Pooh [still love the stories I'll admit. My favorite children's book is Where The Wild Things Are, which my paternal grandmother read to Kate and I] was right. He said something to the effect of 'you can't always wait for people to come to your corner of the forest. Sometimes you have to go to them'.
Depression's like this. And eating disorders. Any........thing addiction big impactful event. You do the things you do every day but that's not where your main focus lies. You may be stuck in life but it's not stuck in you. Ya know? The physical earth won't stop turning even though yours might.
My friend Mark who I know from down in FL, helped me realise something just now. Something as 'small', for lack of a better term, as the mountains......trees....music, a certain place, etc, could mean.........everything to a person.
Last week I was going to buy lilies, my favorite. Knowing they're the death flower, I thought 'cmon really? The death flower when your own grandfather just.........'. Isn't that a little depressing?
But in a way it makes perfect sense. It's like. a visual representation. same as cutting. my eating disorder.
I keep wondering........when are the tears going to come? Ya know? When will it all finally.........come grinding to a halt, and not in a good way. When will I start writing letters, like I did to Leon?
I remember, at Leon's memorial, after, Weston, this big, built like a football player, teddy bear of a guy was sitting there crying. scared the hell out of me.
it also. made him seem more human.
The ironic thing about patience is that we want it now. We don't want to have to wait, for patience.
And, since quite a bit's on hold......yeah.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'14th**
"the time has come, the walrus said
to speak of many things"
-Lewis Carroll
Unfortunately. The time has come.
Yesterday, my parents and I went over to my grandparents. I'd called my mom earlier; she told me Cindy [my aunt] had gone over to their place and asked my grandmother if she was ready to go, to which she said yes.
As usual, my mom read 'the book', the one on pioneer women. I love it when my mom reads. We talked about baking bread - which, according to my mom, was a fad in college. You'd be given a starter [not sure what that is] to make the bread and bake it then pass it to someone else, who passed it to someone else. It was friendship bread - and cakes. Mom filled her mom in on Kate's news, and told her if she wanted to go, it was ok.
I haven't heard if she has or hasn't, but because of that, my assumption is.....yeah. And, after we left I got a really strong feeling it would happen soon.
I know I keep eluding to 'it' but that's where I'm comfortable. I hadn't noticed untill then how much both Cindy and Mom looked like their mom. On the bedroom wall there's this beautiful photo of my grandmother in her stewardess outfit, including the hat. She was a stewardess.......a substitute teacher, who knew how to keep her students in line. A math teacher.
She was [is? ....] so many things to people; a friend, a mother, sister, daughter, grandmother, neighbor, teacher, baker. As we all are.
I went to the store last night, and on the way back [actually when I was just across the street from the park, watching the guys play soccer] I felt this incredible sense of calm.
For some reason senior citizens often pass away in the evening/night.
As said, I haven't heard anything official. These are my thoughts thus far.
They always had paintings and flowers, my grandparents. Well. My grandfather's still here. No matter what time of year it was there were always flowers.
My grandmother told me to come back soon. When she won't even be there?
But just because she won't be doesn't mean I can't get to know her through other people. I want to. Kate used to bake, and I've taken it up. I like helping people........we've taken many family vacations with our parents.
Kate, Mom and I are all very independent women. My grandmother has this fierceness about her. Thinking back on what I know and realising. wow. She grew up during the Dust Bowl.........which was hard. She learned to cook when she was young, though not very good meals. Once made a friend of mine jam. Liked music. Made the best desserts. Was an accomplished pianist. Gave her twin sisters the experience of culture. Painted once, which she liked.
With each memory comes another new one. On Sunday, we had a celebration of life service for her. A few of the people who were there told stories. I, the peanut butter cookies. My aunt Joan, when her kids were little and they played hide-and-seek, a fun game. they had fun. My uncle Dave, his kids wholived in the country getting to experience the city. My mom, raising her and her siblings [Dave, Brad, Cindy] without prejudice. My mom's one of those people where, the door's always open. Judy, the cashier at Safeway who knows my grandparents and me.
It's interesting the things people remember about someone, the things they choose to pinpoint, though there are many.
I'm a lot like her, in many ways.
Over time, I've grown to not see her as the woman who hurt my mom all those years ago. But as someone different.
Hey this sounds like an essay! Which it just might turn into.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'15th**
Such. a cute song.
So, in other news:
I now know how to Charleston. It's really easy. No wonder the women in the'20's were thin. Great excercise. It was on my list of Things To Do Before I Die, so. I'm quite proud of myself.
Kate has 2 internships this summer, one with men's fashion [she says she knows everything about women's fashion] and one with a French designer/fashion house. I forgot the name. She had 2 interviews lined up, and the guy she had the first interview with was a friend of the other guy, so when she went into the interview with him, she didn't really have to interview. Apparently after her time in the city [New York] she wants to have her own store in CA. And hopefully have some of my art! That'd be cool. Ooh she could have a store/art gallery.
On that subject, next week I'm going to update my resume', and fill out an online application for Safeway. We'll see what happens.
My parents are going to Las Vegas and Death Valley next week. Their trip to Estes Park was nice.
Speaking of trips, this summer - in June - my mom and I are going to the city. I'll stay w/ Kate, who moved to a tenement building [been there since the 18th century, around the time of George Washington] in January. I haven't seen it yet, but the neighbors are nice and there are lots of dogs. Kate and I are going to see a show, besides my mom's. Either Billy Elliot [we both like Elton John], Jersey Boys or a comedy about women. I hope to go to Central Park. We're fine w/ going to a show, movie or driving around talking. We might go to a karaoke bar and/or the Starlight? Diner, I think it is. The one where the staff sings.
Glee's back on!! Yay!!
This past weekend I watched High Society w/ Grace Kelly, Sinatra and Bing Crosby. I really liked it. It reminded me of DeLovely and Funny Girl. Grace Kelly's funny. I've read Sundays At Tiffany's by James Patterson awhile back, a great book. I also really liked Sophie Kinsella's Twenties Girl. And an autobiography on Judy Garland; funny, interesting, informative.
Oh.........annnnnnd........I now have SSI! Yayyy! And I didn't even have to appear in court. Not that anyone wants to. The one time I did, it was interesting. Other than getting EBT, I'm not really sure what that means. Oh wait, it has to do with unemployment. I know that much. I meant........I'm wondering if it consists of more than EBT/unemployment checks.
It's good but at the same time it's like, oh now we have all this other stuff to figure out. In about a month my mom and I are going to meet w/ the lawyer and then figure out this EBT thing.
Tomorrow, after visiting my mom's parents, we're going to visit Anitta [Dad's stepmom, Truman's second wife] and her daughter Susan. It's more that I want to see Susan than Anitta. Susan's really nice. She lives in Maine w/ her husband and their daughters. She apparently works for the newspaper.
I bougt my mom marigold seeds for her birthday [May 5]/Mother's Day.
I want to go to the Denver Art Musuem to look at the King Tut exhibit, which could be interesting. It's there untill June 13. I love to learn and that way I can go 'look I'm doing something I went to the museum I learned stuff!'. The last time I went to the museum was last summer for the hippie art.' **____________________________________________________________________________
'16th**
I noticed this yesterday while visiting my grandparents. My mom and grandfather were on their enclosed balcony, discussinhg taxes and wills and such. My grandmother wasn't talking much.
I looked around the room and wondered where the pictures had been taken. There'r 3 of my grandmother and her 2 brothers. She looks like a girl in love, that happy sigh. One of her brothers is looking straight ahead, aware.The other is looking right at you, sort of polite and charming.
I wonder what happened the days those were taken, how the person felt.
Or when a person buys a certain piece of furniture. What made them decide to buy it? Where were they? What else happened? Who were they with?
A room's a land of questions.'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'17th**
So recently, a friend noted an [several, in fact] entry of mine, something to the effect of 'what's Kate doing these days?........lost her job at Macy's.......'.
Ok, that was like months, ago. I write about Kate frequently. Do you not like, read, those entries or something?
Where the hell have you been?
*In her defense, maybe she has a bad memory or something. I'm not saying she does, I'm saying it'd make sense were it true. I really can't say. Also, I don't like repeating myself. If I've written about something here I don't want to have to re-explain it.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'18th**
.........won't do anything.
It's a lot easier once you cut someone out of your life. You don't have to worry about them.
Maybe that's mean, selfish but it's also true.
I feel like she and I could try to work things out and we. really don't get anywhere.
Yes, we both have problems w/ communication, and from what I've read, every/any good relationship needs communication.
And, unless you're either Michael or Taylor, if you're doing something I don't like, I probably. won't tell you. And there really isn't a lot you can do to change that so don't waste your time trying.
I mean, we work things out and then she frustrates me and it starts back up again. I know people forget but really. I don't want to spend most of my life trying to 'fix' things w/ her I'm sorry. or most of my time.
It's like, my grandfather, who grew up in a time where women were housewives, still at one point, expected my mom to just drop everything and help her mom. My mom has a life; she's a CPA, in a choir, takes pilates........
Now, I may not do as much as all that, but I still have a life. It involves recovery and job-hunting.
It's actually better that she told me all that via notes on here, even though she embarassed me by the one about SSI [thanks. that's helpful. That's something I never tell people and now everyone who reads that will know. Somuch for privacy] because god knows when I'd get back to her via email. Or FB messages, for that matter. It might've been weeks, so.
And, when we first met, I didn't really have any friends here. Now I have........well, 3. Michael, Taylor and Alex. If I want someone to talk to I can talk to one of them. Or Rachel. James. Steph. They haven't managed to annoy thehell out of me. which is actually pretty amazing.
And apparently, she doesn't want people to come to her w/ their problems. well I won't then. At least, at the time she wrote that entry she didn't. Do you know much I would love that?
Apologies, as said, don't mean a whole lot to me. It doesn't erase what happened. I mean, that - the event - still happened. It doesn't change anything. True that's what I'd been waiting for, for her to acknowledge I didn't like what she did. But it still happened.
So, ya know. I'm pretty much done. If she still wants to be friends, great. but I'm not going to spend my time waiting around.
To clarify; I'm not saying she can't want that. I'm saying, as just stated.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'I know I probably "shouldn't" be advertising my relationship [by which I mean friend] troubles here, but also, it's my blog and it's the one place I can do that. And, it's not as though I give out any of her personal info. Or mine, for that matter.
She was about the last person I expected to phone me. When I felt my phone vibrate, I thought, maybe it's Athena. Or Kate. Or Michael, even. Not that I ever answer my phone.
I didn't want to talk to her. I know that's a bit rude but it's true. I suppose I could, you know. actually tell her that. But I don't really want a reply, which is why I'm writing it here as opposed to emailing/phoning.
And really, why invite all that stress back in? I don't need that.
It's not that she's a toxic person, as it were. No she's just annoying. Well, but that's just my opinion.
Oh, and speaking of Kate, she and I aren't that close. That's about the 3rd time we've talked about one of her problems in the past 3 years.
I'm through trying to work things out with her, at least for now. I know that hurts. Now, if it so happens I run into her downtown, sure I'll be cordial and polite and such. If she asks me to hang out, again. I'll be polite.
But, that's what I've decided thus far. It might change it might not.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'So now that I'm a bit calmer......in my last entry I eluded to the fact that I didn't want to be friends. I didn't mean like, forever. I just mean right now. It started as one little thing and then it grew and grew and escalated and.....whatnot, and. um. it so happened that this is how it ended up.
i feel good about my decision. Good as in I'm ok with it. with things as they are now, at least in this aspect of my life. Which is a great relief.'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'I woke up at 6:40, again. I don't have a reason to be up that early. Cleaned some more, watched the news while playing Connect 4 online, which I've been doing a lot of lately. Read a bit more of the newest Rebecca Wells [The Crowning Glory Of Calla Lily Ponder', which I like but it's a slow read. Had some frozen Thai food at 11, which I liked and wasn't expecting to. Then took the bus to Cherry Creek.
Stopped in at Panera to see if they had bread samples, which they didn't but they apparently sell scones now.
Then I visited the Thomas Kinkaide gallery for a minute. They have a Disney figures collection and a Tinkerbell snowglobes. [I remember, the summer my family and I visited Australia, I saw a painting of his entitled 'Stairway To Heaven' whch I thought was an actual place and really wanted to go there. Turns out, it wasn't. We only stayed a week; each place we've gone we've only stayed a week]. Went to another gallery, asked the guy who worked there how I'd go about putting my art in a gallery. He was informative.
Then I stopped at the parents' [they're out of the town for the week, so] went to the mall where I stopped at Claire's [they didn't have any clip ons], upstairs to the bookstore then down tothe food court where I got a vegetarian Subway sandwich and a peanut butter cookie. I needed change, and I was hungry. Yum.
Then I came back here.
So it's been a fairly busy day. Well, busier.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'so apparently, April's Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I feel like sexual assault's very misunderstood.
People, see my ex boyfriend as "just the guy who assaulted me". Who hurt me. And yeah, he was. But he was also my boyfriend, at the time. He was the first person who made me beautiful. We were intimate together. Ya know? He wasn't, just "the guy who assaulted me". No, he wasn't some random guy who jumped out of the bushes at night, armed, and assaulted me like I always thought. No, he was someone I knew. He was someone I knew. Someone I trusted. What's interesting about that is that so many people nowadays think oh, it won't be someone you know. Now I'm not saying you should be afraid of your uncle/father/brother/neighbor/etc, unless you have a reason to be, assault or not. And that's entirely your business. I'm jus sayin, 90% of the time it's someone you know.
There'r 2 sides to every story, and most people only think of 1. The weird thing is that it hasto be someone you know. It makes perfect sense, because in order to assault you, they have togain your trust, as Oprah just pointed out. And I'm not saying everyone you know will assault you. I'm just saying. it's very misunderstood.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'since my grandfather ... passed away. Wednesday it will have been.
'Passed away', I like that phrase. My paternal grandmother was talking about it once. She said something to the effect of; 'that sounds so romantic. To where did they go?'.
It sounds softer, somehow, than 'died'. 'Died' is more. idinno. Official. It comes with the bang of a shock, something heavy being suddenly dropped. I think about that sometimes, the weight of words and what they remind me of, or even what kind of music goes with them. The phrase 'passed away' reminds me of Eva Cassidy somehow, soft and bluesy.
Or, what kind of music day it is. Warm sun filled spring days are 'Don't Rain On My Parade', 'Anything Goes', kind of days while cold rainy days are Miles Davis, Simon & Garfunkel days. Maybe I'm weird, or maybe I'm just a good writer. It's the energy of the songs connecting with the energy of the days.
Anyway.
Even though I didn't know him that well, I feel like I'm not doing enough to remember him. But I am. Every time I look at the mountains. Billie Holiday's cover of 'I'll Be Seeing You' reminds me a lot of him, actually. I have no idea what kind of music he liked. He was distant, but not in the cold way. In the way that it's a fact, the same way leaves are green is. He was quiet, worked for the newspaper. Oh, by the by, he's donating his body to science, which I think is pretty cool but also a little creepy. It's like, even in his passing, he wanted to help people. But, that's just my theorizing.
Because no one in my family been overcome with emotion over this, I have to be. And as emotionless and composed as I appear, I'm actually not. I'm a very deep, passionate, emotional person. My paternal grandmother's been, which makes me feel better. Not that I want her to be sad, as I don't. It just....makes me feel like ok, I can be emotional over this. She's such a sweet woman. Even though, as said, we weren't close I have to be emotional for my family. It's not so much because of my own feelings, it's theirs that I have to surface. Which is interesting because around them I'm pretty reserved.
See, we don't talk about things in my family.
It's become less evident, his passing. I've been doing what I usually do, which of course isn't much. It's not the central focus anymore. Sure yeah it's sad, but that's stated as fact.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'20th**
wait, I'm confused.........so since I have SSI now does that mean I can't work? as in, I'm not allowed to?
Because, that would kindof suck. I mean, you're kindof expected to have a job when you're my age.
Thank you.
:) '
**____________________________________________________________________________
'So I don't think that people who live in the city [by which I mean New York] have microwaves, which seems weird to me. I mean, that's how I 'make' most of my meals, is in the microwave. But where do they have to put them?
As mentioned, yesterday I went back to Cherry Creek. People are friendly there and there are more of them, which might be another reason I'm never there. Because I don't like people. And they're much more outdoorsy and friendly. People really aren't that friendly here. I mean, we're not. unfriendly.
I have a friend [and even though I've decided we're not friends for awhile, how else am I supposed to refer to someone I've known for the past 6 years?] who's friendly. She'll say hi to everyone. It's, a bit intimidating, to be honest.
It doesn't matter what season it is, in Cherry Creek there'll be at least 5 people sitting outside [well, I mean in the chairs outside] one of the 2 Starbucks'. It occured to me yesterday that I know pretty accurately where everything in Cherry Creek is.
See, I live in the suburbs. [Think Edward Scissorhands]. So, unlike Cherry Creek or downtown, we don't have coffee shops and stores lining the streets. We have apartment/condo complexes. And a relatively big park, which few people visit. But maybe it's so 'big' that the people that do visit it are spread out, so. We also have 2 plazas.
My parents' place [it's in Cherry Creek] is cold, dark and hard. And the walls don't match in what used to be my room. So it doesn't have a warm, welcoming feel.
My mom's room only has about 4, 5 pieces of furniture and then there's all this bare space. It's also bigger than my current one. Their place really doesn't have a lot of color, whereas mine does. I think their place reflectsmy mom, who's very utilitarian and practical and no nonsense. Sortof, charges through life without stopping, in a way. which makes sense since she's a Taurus. She knows where she's going.
Whereas I. I like soft pretty things. Colors. Warmth. To me, warmth = comfort. I get sidetracked easily. I have to stop and look at plants or trees or an art piece. My dad's the same way. I'm more observant I guess and I pay attention to that.
Also my parents don't have a lot of food in their fridge. Not that I do. But when Kate and I were living there the freezer was stocked w/ frozen food. It made me realise that when your 'children' move out you don't need as much food. I felt like the amount of food that used to be there sortof hid the emotions. Like, the emotions hid behind the food, rather. I'm not really sure how to explain it.
Wow.
Anyway.
So, I think the reason [this really has nothing to do w/ any of the above other than it's what I was thinking about yesterday], besides I'm not comfortable, I don't tell people when they do things that bother me is because in the past, when other people have told me that, it's embarassed me, and there really isn't a logical reason behind that. And I don't want to embarass other people. But I guess people are embarassed by different things, just as people find different things funny. The movies 'Heather', 'Pumpkin' I found very strange but others were probably amused by them.
I remember, the aforementioned friend, and I were talking about apples, and she said '
I remember, the aforementioned friend, and I were talking about apples, and she said '....because I know you have trouble w/....' [being vague on purpose here as I don't want to put the embarassing thing she said]. See I would never say something like that.
I also feel like telling a random person when they're doing something you don't like is an invasion of your privacy. You really want to admit something that personal about yourself? Well, er 'personal's' not the word. um........
No and I'm not perfect either. My 'thing to work on' or whatever you want to call it is that I'm tenacious as hell.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'I'm a Simon & Garfunkel fan, just as I am the Carpenters, the Beatles, Bowie [David], Sinatra, etc. Something all their songs have in common is that they're about anything and everything. Love, life, loss, silly things. Hard times and happiness.
I remember a few years back, my friend Rose [who I know via Kate] and I were discussing via MySpace the literal interpretation of the phrase 'the sound of silence' and she pointed out that silence doesn't have a sound.
But, as I just recently discovered, it does. Ever heard the saying 'the loudest silence I've ever heard'?. [I'm sure you have].
On YouTube there's this great celebrity photo montage featuring Marilyn Monroe and John Lennon, among others, set to the Simon & Garfunkel song that's the title of this entry.
You know, for instance someone could off themselves because of depression [among other, factors] and that "silence" that they've held onto for so long is a sound. It makes, a sound, in a way.
So maybe silence does have a sound, just not in the way we all think.
silence. speaks volumes.
On that note and then there's that book Speak, in which the girl's sexually assaulted and that's her way of speaking. We don't always use words to communicate, although they're the most effective.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'22nd**
.........probably bring/want:
Tv/phone/books.
Music. Love my music.
Camera, batteries, notebook so I could write.
Well, some form of shelter/communication. Computer.
Could I bring a friend? If so, Michael. And he cooks, so that way I'd have food and good conversation.
Well, although no one thinks of this, a boat. I mean, right? But maybe that's the whole point of being stuck. Is that you're on the island for an extended period of time. And sunscreen/my sunhat/umbrella. What with how pale I am.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'23rd**
I'm finally ready to talk about it, my grandfather's death.
I've felt, well. Alone, honestly. I haven't told anyone. I want my feelings to be validated [as I always do] about this. I want someone to tell me that what I'm feeling/not feeling is. normal.
And since, as cliche as this is, I haven't told anyone this they obviously have no way of knowing. Well that's what I'm doing now.
We don't talk about things in my family, as mentioned. I'm not in therapy, which I've found isn't for me.
You don't tell people things yeah you're going to feel alone.
It's still weird, like finding a [en you'd been missing. That same feeling. Now, we don't have to watch my grandfather struggle to get the words out.
The shock's worn off.
I'm tired of the 'I'm sorry', just saying the words and leaving them there, and walking away. It's like taking something out of a box and putting it someplace but not really going back to it.
That doesn't get you anywhere, really the whole 'I'm sorry' thing. Ok, and?
'I'm sorry, what can I do?' or 'I'm sorry, if you need to talk.........' that's taking it one step further. That's doing something. [utting it out there.
I read his obituary earlier, my grandfather's. I was ready to.
I found out he did quite a bit. How do you not know that much about someone for the first 22 years of your life?
He liked the outdoors, attended college in Maine, during his freshman yea r he was drafted into the U.S. Army, a field medic, participating in D-Day and the Battle of the Bulge.
Worked as a printer and lynotype operator for the paper..... '
**____________________________________________________________________________
'24th**
So lately I've been on a bit of a Madonna kick, thanks to Glee. <3.
Anyway, last night I went hookah-bar-ring for the first time in about 2 months. I went with Michael. On his Facebook status there was a birthday party for Christie. I didn't realise untill we got to the hookah bar that the Christie he mentioned was the same one who worked there. It was a black and white party. Having not made the connection I wasn't sure whether or not to get dressed up, then thought 'ok what am I comfortable in?', which is a good deciding factor.
I ended up wearing black.
Michael was all dressed up.
It was more crowded than usual so we had to wait a bit, which was fine. We smoked fruit-flavored hookah and sat down next to this group of people, 2 of which I met. One of whom, Anna was gorgeous. That was the first thing I said to her. Well, she was also hot but I feel telling a girl she's pretty is more respectful than saying they're hot. Also, polite-ness is a bit of a turn on for me. It's not the biggest one but it's up there. If you say 'hey' or 'hi' or 'excuse me', you're much more likely to get my attention/a response than were you to hit on me. You hit on me and you don't have a snowball's chance in hell. Oh, the guy I met was Tyler. Actually I met another guy but didn't catch his name.
I also met Michael's friend Jeremy, unintentionally. I stood up because when they saw each other, they were crowding me and Jeremy and I ended up meeting. And I met Ricky, who was hot but there was just something about him I didn't entirely trust.
There was music. I danced. I mean, I stood up and actually danced. While I was dancing, this cute, tan, thicker [bare in mind I'm tiny] blonde came over and started dancing with me, that........er, grind dancing, I think it is. At first I was really uncomfortable but then I just went with it. Oh, and I flirted a bit with her. Yeah evidently I do have enough confidence to flirt with random people. Well when I dance I'm sexy/confident to begin with, so. She flirted w/ Michael, which was fine. I mean, he's a nice guy, not like he'll be rude if you talk to him.
After she left I was......sooooooo fregin happy. I was just. wow. Absolutely speechless, which doesn't usually happen. It was probably the happiest moment of the night. There aren't words.
I don't go for tan blondes, nor do I go for thicker women but there was just something about her that made her hot. I noticed her prior.
Oh I smelled snozzberries, which smelled.......sweet and strong and made me want sex. The smell's right up there w/ jasmine, crepes, strawberries, Nutella., chocolate Oh, aphrodisiacs. Yum.
It was a little weird, just smelling them. The guy held out the container and I thought he was offering me food, to which I said 'no thank you'. Yeah evidently that wasn't it. It reminded me of the first time I smoked, a little unsure.
I also danced with - well ok not 'with', I joined them - a girl and her friend. They were having a sortof dance-off, but not really. They were fun, cool, down to earth, which drew, me to them. We talked as we danced. We never formally introduced myself, which is why it's funny that as they were leaving the girl said 'nice to meet you'. Well.......we didn't officially meet but ok sure.
It was nice meeting her, actually.
While we danced the guy remarked I was reall y good. I told the girl 'well don't stop on my account', because I'm sweet like that. As in, I didn't want her to stop dancing just because I'm a good dancer. She thought Michael and I were together, which I corrected her on. I mean, we could be but we've talked about that, deciding it's better if we don't date. He was doing his own thing while I was dancing. We're cool like that. Throughout the night we caught up, talked about everything under the sun, as always. It was great.
Oh, when we got into his car he opened the door for me. He's just that damn polite.
So apparently I'm an awesome dancer, according to another girl that came up to me and told me that. Her friend agreed, adding epic. Which I already knew. I took dance for 10 years, I should be a great dancer don't need you to tell me that. But I was polite and sweet and humble when I told them 'thank you'. They both hugged me awwwww I love hugs! She was hot, but in a different way than Anna and the blonde. She had dark brown hair, pale skin and blue eyes, this calm about her. Her gaze was intimate, like she liked me. [Which idinno maybe she did. That's part of my dancing, it's how I flirt]. She was standing very close to me, which I actually was comfortable with.
They left.
I've found that I'm more of alyrical person when it comes to music. I'll sometimes look up the lyrics to a song and read them as I would a poem, and get it. So if a song sounds angry or happy or graceful I'll dance that way.
I may be a slight modern day Audrey Hepburn but when I dance I'm a fireball. It's a good way to get my emotions out. My dancing's a combination of ballet, modern, '80's grapevine/'Flashdance'/Vogue-ing. I think it's one of those things you have to see to know what I mean. I use my whole body to dance, unlike some people.
Oh, I now know how to Charleston. It's really easy. I was so proud of myself! No wonder the girls in the '20's were thin.
On the way there and back Michael and I listened to opere and classical, not the usual genre. And a Josh Groban cover of a French love song. Moonlight Serenade was another one. I adore that it's so beautiful and touching. I don't listen to opera/classical, nor do I have any. It's not that I don't like it; it's the opposite, in fact. I don't listen to it because it's so emotional.
Michael and I were discussing this. He said 'most people don't get that'. Well I'm not like most people, which he keeps forgetting. I'm the same way. I've grown accostomed to the fact that he's wicked perceptive but it still takes me by surprise. He Facebook-ed me; 'something tells me something's going on'. Yeah no kidding. There's been a lot going on, in fact.
At the hookah bar I got deja vous, which is apparently a good thing.
It was. wow. great/fun/happy. just. wow. Very Vogue, in the lyrics. I mean, the lyrics of the song go with last night. Very, well as said in the title of this entry.
I felt absolutely divine after, like a goddess. Very mellow, very sleepy/happy. All a flutter awww.' **________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'27th**
I go through music phases, I've noticed. Last week it was Madonna, this week it's musical theater.
I go through phases. Apart from music ones.
So, Madonna. Powerful, sexy, independent, driven as hell knows what she wanted and how to get it. And she looks damn good at her age.
She's kindof like my sister, actually.
Madonna. great role model. As is Cyndi Lauper, Marilyn. Not just beautiful but also fairly intelligent.
I feel like there are certain people who got it; Hendrix, Michael Jackson, Madonna, Bowie, Beatles. Simon & Garfunkel.
I can't explain what is because there isn't. An explanation.
'It' has to be felt not explained.
They got it in their lyrics.
You have to feel it to get it.
And just where are these women now? Those fabulous great entertainers. We have Pam Anderson, Lindsay Lohan, etc. Of whom I'm not a fan.
Those great role models?
You don't often hear about them. America Ferrera, Ellen, Queen Latifah.
On that note, Funny Girl, High Society, DeLovely, Singin In The Rain. They just don't make movies like that any more.
the golden age is gone
[yes I realise this entry is women-centric. I apologise to the guys reading this and if yall have more role models, go ahead and note]. '
**____________________________________________________________________________
'29th**
Glee entry.
Glee was so. beautiful Tuesday night. And moving.
I got it. I was in tears by the end.
What Quinn and Mercedes talked about.....yeah that's me. So. completely. me.
My journey my recovery.
It helped me realise, again, that yeah. I am beautiful. I am sexy.
I love all episodes but this one. I got it.
Recovery's really hard. Where was this show when I was in high school? Hell, in college.
See, this is why I love Glee. Aside from the bright colors and great music. Is that it's about real issues peopleface. It's passionate fun bright. Brilliant.
That kind of musical theater,......there's something very unifying about being in something like that. I remember that, about being in the 2 shows when I was in public high school. It just is.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'.......home solidity.
So, something happened last night. Actually quite a few things happened last night.
Michael Facebook-ed me, stating that his other friends thought I was being selfish. And they were jealous.
Um. Wow whoa ok. I'm no more selfish than you are.
See, back when I was jealous of him and Meagan [they're apparently not friends anymore] I didn'tsay a damn word. Ok well that's not entirely true. I mean yes I told him I was jealous. But whenever she hung around us I was always always nice to her. Yes I may be jealous but I'm most certainly not a bitch.
It's not even like we hang out that much! to begin with.
And if they were jealous then why didn't they come and tell me that?
Seriously yall. grow a pair.
sorry for the vulgarity.
If you have an issue with me [depending, of course, on who you are] you need to take it up with me. Ok? I don't like finding out things 3rd person. I really don't.
If they didn't have the courage to tell me that....wow.
I'm not going to ruin relationships/friendships. I may not like you but I'm sure as hell not........this is so high school.
Ya know, the more I think about it the more the whole thing seems very off. For one, it came out of bloody nowhere.
It just completely reinforces my belief that nothing's solid. that's.......that's great just. take that away from me.
We had such a great friendship which is why we decided not to date, because. we didn't want to jeopardize that. And now he jeopardizes it with this. Ok right that makes sense.
So, apparently it's ok for him to jeopardize it but not me. Well.
I don't care who you are you don't hurt me. Ever. Just like you don't hurt my sister. ever. that is not cool it's not right and it's not ok.
I thought he got that. He was one of the few people who did 'get' things. And, up untill last night, he hadn't managed to piss me off, which is actually really amazing given it takes most people less time. much. less time.
We had such a great time on Friday and now this.
I feel like I should confront Rachel/Alex and ask them directly if I did anything. And I want them to be honest, and not not say something because it might hurt my feelings.
because guess what. they're already hurt.
I never thought this would happen.
Guess I'll have to find a new place to call home, emotionally. that's how it always felt with him.
and if in a few days he FBs me again going 'hey ya know what I was a complete ass I'm sorry'. yeah honey. ya were.
apologies, don't mean much. as gone over.
I know I keep referring to him in the past tense. but that's how it feels.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'So, just as a warning to any guys who read this, this might sound a little sexist. And bitchy. Sorry.
So, apparently it's ok for Michael to jeopardize our friendship by telling me this but it's not ok for me to by dating him.
We never dated.
And good thing we didn't or else I'd have to deal w/ my 3rd breakup since August.
No but really. But how is that ok?
What, because he's a guy it's ok for him to hurt me? Omygod! Actions have consequences man.
Now I'm not sayin I'm perfect either. I'm not.
If it were a girlfriend of mine who told me this it'd be different.
It's just....I haven't really been friends w/ a guy since I was 19, 20 which was. a bit corruptive to say the least.
No but why, didn't his other friends message me and tell me this? I would've respected them a hell of alot more.
Yes i know I should take my own advice here.
He's the one guy I thought never would hurt me! Just like my most recent ex.
Well, here's the thing about guys yall; they tell a woman, their friends they'd never hurt them. I hear that and I go 'yeah untill you break her heart'.
Look I'm not saying relationships between men and women can't work. I'm just saying, my perspective's different.
No, you can't just play with people's feelings.
And it was the way he put it. Had he gone 'look I feel we've been hanging out too much and I want to hang out with my other friends' I would've gotten it. Alrite cool.
But he just............no but ya know what? I get it. Believe me I really
fukin
get it.
"Really?" my friend Susie asked when I told her that via phone last night.
damnit she just totally blew my cover. she must be so proud. we had a laugh about it.
damn right she did. thank you........very helpful. [that was sarcasm, btw].
No not really.
or else I wouldn't be so.
confused.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'more on the Michael thing.
See, he knows how sensitive I am because he's just as sensitive. He gets it. He didn't even apologise in the message, it was 'so I was debating whether or not tell you this.........selfish.....jealous..' etc. Yeah evidently I'm possesive [I am when I'm hungry. food mine lol] and I want him all to myself.
Omygod!
When have I ever said that? Yes I realise there are some things you don't have to say. I give him space when he needs it. I've actually gotten much better at it. I used to not, due to my OCD.
I have never said that. I have never said 'look you can't hang out w/ these people you can only hang out w/ me'. no i would not. Where do you get off man. saying these things.
I'd like to know just who these other friends are.
I don't like to ever directly accuse someone of doing something like that and/or lying but I kinda.....have the feeling it has to do with Meagan. because well she's a bitch.
yeah I know I'm basing it purely on that.
I would never. Have you met me? Do you even know me?
Quite frankly I grew up years ago.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'If yall [they] are afraid to come to me with the issues they apparently have about me. You're afraid to come to me. You're afraid, to come to me.
Me, of all people. I am not a scary person. Unless I'm pissed off, or. manic/depressed/crazy. I don't even look scary! I look well, tiny. and nice.
I'm one of the sweetest, gentlest people I know. I try not to judge.
wow. just. wow.
Quite frankly, I'm a little insulted. well more than a little.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'cringes.
It's so easy to only see things from one side. When we're upset/hurt/angry. To go, 'oh well this person did this and I did nothing'.
It was that way for a long time w/ my last breakup untill one day it dawned on me. I did do something.
so, in his defense.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'What's ironic about this is the one thing tearing me apart is the one thing helping me realise I am fukin amazing.
The entry title being an elusion - that a word? - to her song 'Beautiful'.
"I may be a damsel and I may be in distress but I sure as hell don't need a man" - me.
Monoluge thing
No I don't need a man. I'm a self sufficient 22 yr. old woman who can do anything she sets her mind to. I'm a hell, of a dancer. Pretty good singer too. People love me.
I'm independent, sexy and sometimes fairly confident. Women who rock. thank you Madonna.......and Lea, Barbra, Patti, Cher, Elaine [Page], Marilyn. oh, and me. When I'll be so famous. i won't need a last name.
I dance like a fireball have the personality of Hepburn sensuality of a '40's star.....and. I write my own advertisements.
monologue end
ok sorry. needed that.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'I haven't actually aske d Michael his opinion on any of this. I mean, that'd seem fairly obvious, right?
Well no not to me.
I FB-ed Mark and he was 'well did you ask him?'. Oh, well no. No I didn't/haven't, actually. That....just might help.
[As in, ask Michael if he thought/thinks I'm needy]. '
**____________________________________________________________________________
'If yall hadn't noticed by now I'm, er, a bit of a drama queen.
I know I know, you're reading this going 'no really Anne? Really?'.
Yes really. I'm a bit of a diva too..........[says the girl who loves musical theater and would love to see her name in lights some day. sigh. a girl can dream].
Believe me I know how apparent the above is.
So alrite, you get it. You get that I'm pissed. [oh no I never say 'pissed' I'm too damn polite. I say 'angry' lol. :)].
Not that I'm still not angry/hurt/upset. I am. I just decided I'm/others are tired of my current FB statuses stating how angry/hurt/upset I am.
Yeah you get that.
'nough said.'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'30th**
This goes along w/ the last entry.
Switching focus + problem solving.
I have 2 choices here:
1: I could go about being pissed off and build that wall
or
2: I could switch focus.
Harder than it sounds.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
**'So, as mentioned I need to find a new placeto call home. [emotionally].
I have one. The bookstore downtown.
idinno it feels weird, switching like this. I'm past - er, kindof - being angry and I'm now hurt/upset.
That's what it felt like w/ Michael. was being home.
well that's the way it felt w/ my ex boyfriend too'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'A few days ago......I had a dream whichn involved my mom. I was upset I couldn't find apples, and apparently, according to dream-mom, the reason I was so upset when I couldn't find the apples was because when I was 3 I couldn't find them and this traumatized me, which is the reason I get so upset when I can't find things now.
yeah it was odd.
I don't think that's it though.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'not that Michael evidently doesn't want to be friends, but that he felt that comfortable with me to be honest about it.
to be that honest.
As mygood friend Susie pointed out.
so I just Facebooked Rachel asking if she was jealous of our friendship.'
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