December 2, 2017 in Journal 1

With my cousin visiting, London has become a more foreign place– a place so different from my home and a place I have left woefully unexplored for the past 2 months. However, I feel that if I set to leave my room and explore the city, the time will invariably fly by and all of my academic responsibilities for the day will be forgotten. Luckily, I have this nifty, little online journal that allows me to voice my incredibly irrational thoughts and read them back to truly see how irrational they are. “The time will invariably fly by”– how useless and unwilling to take responsibility for my actions can I be? I’ve clearly created some convoluted justifications to just stay at home and be lazy. I don’t even know why I’ve done this. I don’t like to be lazy and I don’t like to do nothing. I don’t know why I keep making excuses for myself that ultimately quelch my ability to really– and, I mean really– live.
Well, now that I’ve come to that realization, I can move on and live– of course, until I forget I’ve had that realization and my mind comes up with a new and exciting way to justify my laziness!
Anyways, yesterday, I went to Notting Hill and Hyde Park for the first time. Notting Hill was particularly underwhelming. I found it very similar to Brighton in terms of the shops along the Portobello Road and the cute, little, multicolored houses. I did, however, stop into a food place called “Ottolenghi”(?) and they had some bomb cheddar-pistachio biscuits– so, all-in-all, the trip was worth it. After that, my cousin and I left Notting Hill and walked to Hyde Park. I think it might be me (because my cousin wasn’t having it so much), but I love parks and nature and animals. So, Hyde Park was a big hit for me. I can honestly see why homeless people live in parks, because they can be goddamn beautiful.
More on that note, I’ve spent my entire life living in a city, be it Los Angeles, Pittsburgh, or London. But, I don’t think I’m a “city-girl”. Of course, there is no way to be sure about that unless I move to a place more rural, but I so vastly prefer solitude, nature, wild animals, and hiking to people, buildings, pets, and going to the gym. I doubt anyone reads these stupid, stream of consciousness, rambling nonsense-like journal entries, but has anyone felt similar? Has anyone spent their entire lives in the city and felt like a life away from society– on a farm, in the forest, alone– was where they truly belonged? Because, goddamnit, if I don’t feel like that every single day! I study neuroscience– which requires me to take classes in psychology– and, every time I hear the phrase, “People are social animals”, I want to tear my hair out at the root! Psychology is so based on the idea that humans are social creatures and constantly crave to be with/liked by/loved by/etc. others. I must ask, am I (and others like me) so mutated that I don’t even represent “human” in my endeavor to be antisocial? Is it wrong/weird to study a subject that is associated to a science I find no reason or logic in? I feel like my study of neuroscience, medicine, and psychology is so removed from how I think of myself. I consider the science that I study as more of a science pertaining only to others rather than a science pertaining to all humans.
It is probably wrong and immature to think in this way and most people my mental age probably feel the same, but, for now, that is what I think– or, at least, that is what I kinda (maybe 70%) think because 30% of my thoughts are comprised purely of doubt and self-loathing.
Hopefully, I can read this journal entry back in 20 years and laugh, “Ho ho ho, what a silly, little lad I was! So tortured by the opposite pulls of doubt and zeal!”; but, until then, I will remain in the present– tortured by the opposite pulls of doubt and zeal.

Last updated December 02, 2017