Therapy appt with new therapist in Mental Health, 2017

I should really write this recap tomorrow when I have a clearer mind BUT no time like the present:

The Good: I got a second opinion of whether she thinks i have depression or am bipolar. She said she sides with my last therapist and thinks it’s bipolar. It’s the psychiatrist I saw who insists it’s depression. She’s an animal lover. She’s a feminist lesbian and if I ever decided to come out as bisexual, she would be a good person to talk with. Pretty sure she already suspects it anyway. If I ever want to turn Kohen into a service dog, she basically volunteered to write the letter. This is how bad dogs become “service dogs”…she’s never even met my dog, yet she said she could write letter if my dog calms me down.

The bad: I didn’t feel a connection with her and I def dont think I can talk to her about the deep stuff. With my last therapist I could tell her anything and by talking about, it would take power away from the thing that was bothering me. I could talk freely about self harm and suicidal thoughts with my last therapist and by letting me talk about it, it made me less likely to re-engage in those behaviors. At the very first mention of a history of self-harm, she said I would need to sign a contract stating I will not self harm during therapy. I get that that’s to protect her legally, buuuut what if I had a slip up. With my last therapist I could talk through what happened during the moment and never had to sign a contract. She’s old school. Age-wise she could have retired 5 years ago. I honestly think she’s in her upper 60s. My last therapist was in her mid-thirties and I didn’t realize it then, but for me, age matters in feeling that therapeutic connection. I can’t help it. She said something really idiotic: I was talking about how I was on Zoloft for awhile and they kept upping it until it was too much and then bad things happened. BUT, because my last therapist and psychiatrist often referred to Zoloft in its pharmaceutical form (Sertraline) I kept referring to it as “Sertraline”. And so she goes on and on and on about how she’s tried a few antidepressants herself over the years, but never Sertraline. She said she tried Prozac, Effexor, but her favorite…FAVORITE was....wait for it.....Zoloft! If you were really on Zoloft at any point in time, you would have seen on your Rx label that it’s SERTRALINE. Especially if it was your favorite! I don’t know if that was a test to see if I would challenge her, but I doubt it. She also checked her phone throughout the session. Since I’m not “allowed” to self harm, I can’t even imagine bringing up suicidal ideation with her and those are thoughts through my deep phases I need to talk about most.

I did schedule an appt with her two weeks from now, but I don’t know. Gotta wait 24 hrs before I make any decisions.

I basically made it 30 seconds into the session before I broke down crying over the loss of my last therapist. She asked “what brings you in today?” and instead of saying “relationship issues, depression, anxiety....” like a normal person, I said “I lost my last therapist at the end of September when she left the clinic I was going to” and then TEARS. And the tears never stopped while I was there.

I went to kickboxing class afterwards with a tear-stained face because I desperately needed a distraction. I don’t care what anyone thought. It was my first class back since my lil overdose Monday night (def did not bring that up at therapy.. no way Jose). I’m still dehydrated because I barely sweat at the class tonight and usually I have a pretty decent sweat puddle built by the end of the class.

I really, really miss my last therapist. I am proud of myself for trying to give someone else a chance but UGH. It might be back to the drawing board I go.

Last updated December 01, 2017