intoxication confidence in Sometimes I feel dead inside

had a few drinks over the weekend. got a little bit confident, not more so that usual, just more vocal about it. it was very interesting but very irritating. the opinions of others are less important in this particular case, the results of the night were disappointing to say the least. theres a feeling of regret due to pushing things but with no payout. the biggest issue was showing weakness, even attempted bargaining, it will be played off as intoxication. it was made apparent that with the upcoming birthday the self reflection has begun. at times the thought process of gauging one’s life value has been defined by companionship or the lack thereof. this simply is no good, companionship has been nothing more than a temporary thing, getting excited about that is questionable. why should that be such a powerful thought? theres not a strong desire to be in a monogamous relationship as they are tiresome and irritating. perhaps its the chemical release and emotional high that is really being wanted. not necessarily the actual situation, perhaps its in connection with the weight gain and subsequently a result of a slight imbalance due to it. the acid reflux that had disappeared for years has suddenly returned, why not other problems. combined with the sinus infection that has made sleep very difficult and a lack of logic would make sense. perhaps a combination of all the above is driving this point home. maybe it was a wake up call to address some of the previous issues. either way no one likes to be alone at this time of year, though more than likely it all comes down to needing a good nights sleep. maybe hitting the gym harder today will help resolve some of these boring/trivial issues, and maybe a neti pot to get rid of the sinus infection