November 22, 2017 in Journal 1

Yesterday, I had to read a few scientific papers and write an essay, so I didn’t have time for a journal entry. I actually kinda liked it. Maybe it’s not neuroscience or medicine that I’ve always been interested in, but, rather being productive and clever. I don’t know, but it certainly gave me renewed motivation to do the independent study I’ve been meaning to do all semester.
Today, I really slept in– like, really. I woke up at 1 pm. Anyways, I went to baseball practice today. I’m still amazed that some people in England play baseball– I had no clue. I showed up an hour late, but it was fun anyways. I got to throw and field and run, and it was invigorating. I love playing baseball. When I do, my mind is on the strategy of the game and nothing else– and my body is hard at work, doing what it was made to do.
On a different note, and this may sound a bit weird, but I’ve been trying to find my zen. For some reason, I’ve been pathologically losing perspective of late and it makes me incredibly anxious and depressed, so I’ve been trying to take brief moments of meditation where I take a deep breath, put things into perspective and find my zen. My zen is my future happiness. And, while a lot of people may say that I need to find my “now” happiness, I can tell you with absolute certainty that I won’t find it, or, even if I do, it comes nowhere close to my future happiness.
My future happiness– my bliss– is a cabin in the woods, in the middle of nowhere with no person around for miles and miles. The high in the summer is 80 degrees and the winter low is 30 degrees. 300 days of sun, 60 days of rain and gloom, and 5 days of snow, so I can hike the surrounding mountains for days at a time. I’ve built the cabin myself– with my own two hands– and there’s a garden right next to it where I grow my vegetables and herbs. Parsnips, carrots, potatoes, sweet potatoes, tomatoes, onions, brussel sprouts, cucumbers, celery, lettuce, dill, and parsley. All the vegetables and herbs I need to sustain myself as I coop up in my cabin and read books for the rest of my days.
I literally cannot imagine a more blissful place. If there is a heaven, that is my heaven.
And, one day, I will achieve it– my heaven, my bliss, my zen– or I’ll die trying.