I’ve been thinking. Has anyone reading this ever apologized to someone when that person was the one who wronged you? I’ve done this before just to move past the issue and have some kind of reconciliation. There’s the part of me that wants to demand an apology from my mom and her side of the family. They treated me terribly on a number of occasions when I desperately needed help. My life was falling apart and they shit on me. Then my mom has the gall to complain to me about rarely calling. But, I’m pretty confident that if I broached the subject I’d get more shit. I don’t want to open myself up to that again.
My mom and I used to be friends. I used to be able to talk to her. I had been going through a very dark time. Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation. That kind of stuff. When I told mom about everything with Stone and all the major difficulties and frustrations with my marriage she said, “It’s no wonder you guys are having problems. Your whole relationship is based on lies.” I calmly asked her to clarify, rather than just going off at her like I wanted to. She replied that before we got married Wife had said she wanted kids when she didn’t, and I had said I was a Christian when I wasn’t. I told her I HAD been a Christian until about 5 years after we got married, and also that Wife had wanted to want kids because she knows I want kids and she loves me. But, over time Wife became more and more solid about NOT wanting kids. Mom blew me off, and basically said I didn’t know what I was talking about. Then she said we needed marriage counseling, but since it couldn’t be Christian counseling it would be a lot harder for us. Then she said, “I’ll pray for you. I know you don’t believe in that, (When had I ever told her that? I hadn’t.) but I’ll do it anyway.” And that was it. No offer to talk with either me or Wife. No offer for any kind of active support. Just condemnation. Now, “cunt” is not a word I use. I just don’t. That said, I never thought I’d have a time in my life where I so badly wanted to call my own mother an arrogant ignorant stupid cunt. I didn’t call her any names. I didn’t yell. I don’t think I said anything mean even though I really REALLY wanted to.
Around the same time I got a message from mom on Facebook. It was August. My mom had talked with her sister, AuntGrump. Mom told AuntGrump about me not being a Christian. AuntGrump then proceeded to tell mom about last Christmas Eve. Every year we had a Christmas Eve get together for her side of the family. This was a tradition that had started years before I was born. Supposedly I had been making fun of the younger kids while they were singing to the point that I made one of them stop singing, sit down, and cry. Allegedly I had also been mocking God and my family members who put their faith in Jesus, and I had been doing this for years. Kinda funny it never came up till AuntGrump found out I wasn’t a Christian. And while my younger brother, GameMaker had been involved in this, I was the leader. Interesting that AuntGrump hadn’t mentioned my older brother, DarthMullet being involved, even though he had been over talking and joking with us. I could be wrong but it’s probably because he goes to AuntGrump’s church. She would never implicate one of the chosen. One way or another mom went on a long tirade, asking why I would be so hateful and cruel. She didn’t ask if it was true. She didn’t ask what had actually happened. She automatically believed AuntGrump.
Now, when my brothers and I get together we get rowdy. We do. That night at the get together was no different. We were having fun talking and joking. I don’t doubt we were loud. But, I would NEVER make fun of kids while they’re singing. To the point that they’d CRY?! What The Actual Fuck? I love kids! And we were not the only ones talking joking and being loud. Not by far. Also, while I no longer hold the faith that I was raised in, I’ve never been against my family expressing their beliefs. Me not believing in Jesus doesn’t change the fact that I enjoy Christmas and spending time with the ones I love. I asked Wife, GameMaker, GameMaker’s wife, DarthMullet, DarthMullet’s wife, and DarthMullet’s daughter if anyone had said anything at all to them about us being disruptive. None of them had any idea what I was even talking about. I told mom just as much. She never replied to the message.
Then I got another Facebook message saying that I was no longer welcome for the holidays with my mom’s side of the family. Even though my behavior had supposedly been so terrible that they had wanted to ask me to leave the year before, no one had directly approached me about it. The only one who had asked anything at all about it was mom, and she had already made up her mind because of AuntGrump. I was crushed yet again. I replied, “Okay.” I haven’t seen or talked to mom’s side of the family since then.
Now, I’m far from perfect. Ridiculously far sometimes. I know I messed up a lotlotlotlot with Stone and with Wife. I’ve never tried to deny that. I can be a real idiot. Hmmm… Is that better than being an illusory idiot? Sorry. Anyway… I also know that me not being a Christian is hard for my family. They think I’m basically choosing to go to Hell, and it’s hard for them to understand where I’m coming from. I’ve never asked them to agree with me. But, the open condemnation and lack of compassion or willingness to talk is very frustrating. If I try to confront them about it I imagine it won’t go well. I could be wrong. I’d like to think I’m wrong. But, if history is any indication then asking for a well-deserved apology will almost certainly result in more turmoil.
So, should I apologize when they were the ones who shit on me? Should I just accept that they will probably never admit they did anything wrong? It’s not fair or right, but it might be the only way to rebuild.
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