November 18, 2017 in Journal 1

It’s been a boring day, so no need to describe it in detail. I woke up at noon, watched Netflix, scrolled through Pinterest, and took notes on an “Infection” lecture.
I would, however, like to voice some thoughts here. Ever since I moved to London in September I really haven’t been able to talk to myself freely because I have a roommate.
I used to talk to myself all the time. I would sit in front of the mirror and have make-believe arguments with people or give make-believe speeches on things I believed in, but that’s really not a possibility now that I share a room.
Today, I would like to voice some thoughts I have on my sexuality, so prepare yourself for some convoluted stream of consciousness shit.

Is it normal to not know one’s sexuality, even as a 20 year old? I think the reason why I can’t label myself as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or asexual is because, as an extremely antisocial person, I’ve never needed to justify myself to anyone. I’ve never needed to give others a label to identify me with. And, it is a very rare thing for me think on my own sexuality.
Ninety-five percent of the time, I vastly prefer being alone to having company. However, there are rare instances where I see someone (man or woman) and I find myself sexually attracted to them, with four times out of five that person being a man. It is, however, when I talk to people or when I make “friends” with people that I lose all sexual interest in them.
I have been approached a handful of times in my life by men interested in me, but I almost always rebuff them. This likely has been the cause for why I’ve never even so much as romantically kissed a person in my life. But, then again, I’ve never really craved sexual gratification by another person anyways, being that I can take care of that all by myself. Perhaps, this is why I am so sexually and intimately dismissive. I’ve been watching porn and masturbating since I was 9. I’ve never needed anyone more than myself and I’ve never wanted more. I don’t trust people. I am almost irrationally paranoid and distrusting of others because of the limited first-hand experiences I’ve had with people.
There is, perhaps, one person in my life who I would call a “saint”– who I believe would do anything for anyone due to her pure altruistic nature. However, everyone else, including my family and friends, have disappointed me with their lies and scams in the past. So, the odds that a romantic/sexual partner wouldn’t disappoint me with their lies or their scams in the future is just such a fucking long-shot, and I am not the person to be played a fool. Also, I’m not on-my-knees in-need of a romantic/sexual relationship now or, likely, ever, so– to me– pursuit of something I don’t care much about that will in all likelihood result in disappointment and regret just doesn’t seem that attractive to me.
I think the only way I would ever be in an intimate relationship with someone is if we started out as friends and eventually (ie. in ~10 years) found ourselves unable to live without one another. The fact that I’ve never even nearly met someone that I couldn’t live without doesn’t give me a lot of hope for that scenario though.
I will likely live alone and die alone– and die a virgin. But, then again, that’s me. Once again, neck-and-neck with the Virgin Mary.