puke it up in diary

I have a million things on my mind so I um just gonna puke them up till I feel done.
I just got the computer back from warranty work on monday..so some is old.
I dreamed about Gord. He was my age and snooping around, wanting to go for walks, wanting to kiss me…but not wanting to talk about the past. I wanted to know why. Heck in real life I still want to know why. Was he as crazy about me as his roomate use to say he was? Was I a cover for him seeing Donna Jean all along? Why the coming back? Why the telling others? Why mess up what me and Steve had? Was it ego.
And then the quiestions for me… was it love or just that nobody had shown me that much attention before? Would it have ended the same if I was not so virtuos?
Wished that dream came before I closed off therapy. EMD might have given me some clarity.
I dreamed about TWOTH last night. I am sure it is because, with all my efforts the money has not shown up (yet) for the retreat this weekend. In my dream Rick was there and walked down a steep ditch. He was expecting me to follow, but I was in the process of telling him that if I went down I would not be able to get back up when I saw that he was in ankle deep mud. As I was warning him it got deeper and deeper and he went under the mud. I think it was Patrick that was down there and with my bringing it to his attention he saved Rick. Then not much till we were on the road and Rick and I want to say Andrea were wet and muddy and shivering. I hugged Andrea rather than Rick. We went back to my place..not the place I live now, but perhaps my place I was staying at the retreat to clean up. I remember me looking for my room, my clothes. That is when it did not feel real and I woke up. I assume part of me dreaming about Rick is that I miss him and he might be at this retreat. I want to see him
I got new glasses on last thursday. I got the lined bifocals cause that is what is covered. I haphazardly chose them and am not so convinced they are ok. I thought that I needed good glasses with good prescription to compare the ones I now plan to get off the internet for less. I can see better with the new ones, alot..and had I known how not visible the line would be I might have spent more time picking them and would wear them even once I get the new progressives…that I have not ordered yet.
I like the way they seem to make my eyes blue-er.
Everyone says they are nice, I don’t think they are. Makes me wonder if they are just blowing smoke up my ass. But Ethan says they re nice and..he is 5…not sure he understand just be nice.
I should do more around here. I don’t know why I don’t. Partly limited energy, partly habit, partly doing things for others cause I don’t have plans any given day, partly caution about don’t want to do too much. Partly lazy.
I have been having trouble emptying my bladder. I dribble and then when I go to wipe an equal amount comes out again, behind where I am wiping. Does not even get the toilet paper wet. What the heck? Never heard anyone else mention this. They put in for an ultrasound to see if my bladder is emptying. But pretty sure they made it non-urgent so may be a long ass while. In my mind I think of when I had similair trouble over a year ago when I was on that oly-something med. I stopped the meds and it went away. Then for months had the egg salad smell that seems tohave gone away again.
Leading to FODMAP I am doing the no cola, no artificial sweeteners, no carbination thing. It did seem to help around my gall bladder incision. It does not feel as tight. I would say it never helped the hernia incision tightness, but then I challenged coke zero over the weekend andholy crap on a cracker both hurt lots more. Back off carbonation of any sort now. Makes it hard to eat out cause I don’t do milk, coffee, or tap water either. Lemonade or ice tea so far where there is no bottled water.
The tv show This Is Us pissed me off today. I am not good at looking back at what all went wrong, even as …art.
Oh yea and about a month ago I dreamed about Barry. For the first time he was my age and not the age he died. It threw me for a terrible loop. Good thing it was a therapy morning, cause I could not even think or function before EMD. I think it was on that day so that I could deal with it in therapy because I was going to close out therapy that day. The universe, or my subconcionce said deal with this too.
Oh yea one last kinda nice thing. Jim my dentist that I grew up with. I broke a tooth last week. 6 year molar on the outside. It was not pretty. I noticed in the first check that his middle name was Barry. I wonder if he was named after my Dad. There were not alot of Barrys out there. Then after my filling he never told me, but the nurse did, that I was only covered for a silver filling and he put in a white one at his expense. He was gone by then,, and pretty sure he would not have told me or liked tht the nurse did, but how cool was that of him? I left feeling like the connections from childhood mean something.
Anyways I think I have puked out enough for today…and ended on a nice thing.