November 14, 2017 in Journal 1

I had lectures from 9 am-11 am today. I woke up at 7:50 am, dehydrated, with a dry nose, a scratchy throat, and a “good morning” headache. What is up with this dry-ass London weather anyways? I was under the impression that it rains a lot here. But, maybe I was wrong. Maybe they said, “It reign slaughter”. I don’t know. I can’t understand their fucking accents. The dry weather has made my nose bleed and my throat ache and skin break for two weeks now. If I had no roommate and more money, I would probably purchase a humidifier for my room.
Despite my physical protestations to the day, I got up from my bed, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and put on the same clothes I had worn the day before. I packed all of the things I may need for the day in my backpack. I, also, vaguely hoped to go to the gym after my lecture at 11 am, so I packed some exercise pants and running shoes. I gingerly applied my sheet and blanket onto my bed, so my roommate didn’t have to stare at the 3-year-old period stains on my snowflake bedspread, and left. I stopped by the kitchen to grab a half of a banana, an orange, and a travel water cup to go.
So, I left my Camden flat and started on my 40 minute walk to school because I can’t stand to allow the anxiety around my financial problems get any worse by taking the bus. I try to think of nothing as I walk. I try to forget all of my problems and simply get to where I’m already headed. But, even as I try my ardent best to suppress my thoughts, it’s as if the conversation between destructive, self-loathing voices has been going on in the back of my mind the whole time. My eyes well and my chest squeezes. I feel pathetic and weak. And, hating feeling pathetic and weak, I lean into the pain in my chest until it subsides. Now, I feel physically weak and the rest of my walk to school is debilitating.
I don’t have a watch and my phone has been broken for two weeks, so I have no clue what time it is as I approach my lecture hall. “Integrative Physiology” is the class I have this morning. It starts at 9 am and I must have arrived at 8:55 am because I find a seat with ease and wait around 5 minutes until the lecturer begins his instruction.
I sit half way up the lecture theater listening to the instruction, trying to absorb the information I can. I try to write down some important facts to remember, but my hand lacks the energy and motivation to keep up with the lecturer’s instruction. My mind wanders to my warm bed back at my flat and my eyelids find homes as they close. The feeling of being somewhere cold and barren is replaced by the room temperature feeling of nothing. But, I know that I need to pay attention to the lecturer and take notes; so, without giving myself the chance to reason my way out of it, I lethargically snap my eyes open and fix them on the screen. This goes on for an hour until the lecture comes to an end.
I get up to leave as soon as I can to make it on time to my next lecture. While I leave the building and walk across the street to the building where my next lecture will be taught, I heartily hope that my dozing was due to a lack of morning caffeine and does not follow me for the rest of the day. But, I find that it does.
My next class is “Biology of Ageing”. Unfortunately, I am far less interested in this class compared to the class I previously dozed in. I sit in the second row of the lecture theater so I might fear dozing a bit, but the lecture begins and my eyelids are already trying to make their descent. I try without reason to open them and pay attention to the instruction, but I can’t find the motivation or energy. I think of the gym– which I planned to go to after the lecture finished– and I know going would be a waste of time. I know I would get there, be miserable, change clothes, get on the treadmill and fail to make my legs go faster than 3 mph or go to the pull-down bar and fail to make my arms pull down more than once. I feel miserable and melancholy. I don’t feel physically tired but all I can do is sleep. I have no motivation to do anything– not even stay awake. So, I push through this lecture as I did the last, with intermittent dozing and a speedy departure.
I walk to the bus stop to get home, because the desire for my bed has won out against my desire to save money. I wait shortly for my bus, but, when I get on and swipe my card, the red dot reminds me that I not only lack the desire to spend money, I also lack the money to spend. So, I move out of the way of the paying patrons and set to trekking home on foot.
I head home, passing Warren Street Station, and up into Camden, thinking of only my bed and how numbing it will be to sleep. I get home at 11:55 am, change out of my clothes, tuck myself in to the blankets, and sleep.