What is something I can’t deny? What is one thing I know? What’s the first thing that comes to mind?
At my lowest points, it feels like there is nothing I know for sure. The religion that I grew up with has given way to agnosticism. But what if agnosticism was applied to every aspect of life, and you didn’t know for certain if any thing, any sentiment, any person, was real? It’s scary, unsettling. A feeling like you aren’t really connected to anyone, that you can’t be certain of anyone’s faith in you, or that you matter that much to other people or the world. Very much on the track of those questions you floated about relationships: “Do you see me? Do you care that I’m here?” It’s a nightmare feeling about the present that calls into question the worth of your entire past and prospects for the future.
But I do know something for sure. You and I are connected, even if we have chosen to turn our backs on that in the past or might in the future. We keep finding our way back to each other. We burn down and blow up bridges on the path back and still find our way back.
I know something about the extent and nuances of how good a partner you are, even though I haven’t been your partner, really. Or maybe we have on some level been that for each other for four years now, sometimes dormant.
I know that my appreciation of that, combined with the odds that would have to be overcome to get there, would lead me to be a better human and a better partner than I’ve ever been.
And that song, “
,” I partially take back what I said about how depressing it is. If I know that the connection is this strong, it’s more likely a when, not if. And waiting for you is better than just about anything short of being with you.
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