How to feel awesome. in Other life events.

There is a science to this i believe; feeling awesome.

it’s why people prod syringes full of drugs in their arms, eat delicious little chocolate nibbles, rub their naked body parts together, spend every penny they get on payday, drink iced frappucinos, buy clothes they don’t need, listen to band live, travel the world, ride motorcycles and do a whole bunch of other stuff that falls on the spectrum from downright bad, disgusting, greedy and sinister to amazing and beautiful.

I can't help but feel like most of it is out of reach, mainly because of my own trust issues and general fear of everything ever. Now i can feel the cogs turning in my head, slowly grinding and lubricating as they go. There is no reason why i can't do these things.

I spend most my time listening to the opinions of other's instead of taking a few minutes to think, what do i really want? I mean, it is my life right? Hell i guess i can see why i've been naive to the fact that you should try everything once, because the "everything once's" i've experienced so far have been downright awful and terrifying, to the point where i am demoralized and patheticly numb; most people wouldn't even recognize me as another human being if i had not mastered walking on 2 legs.

My point is, i think it's time for me to stop being scared, get out there a little. Sure! It's big and it's scary, and it's new and i'll probably fuck up as usual and get hurt multiple times. But from what i can remember from most of the pain i suffered, before that inevitable pain set in, there was wonderful and beautiful times. Stupid time's, filled with full smile's and warm fuzzy feelings. I miss my confidence i used to own, it's like someone invaded my personal space and beat me to a bloody pulp with a weighted bag of pride, confidence and happiness until all that was left was fear, pain and loathing.

It's turned me into an awful person, i kind of hate myself for it. I'm a cruel and cold person, the only way i can feel something is by trying to let someone experience the same pain as me, it's like my only way of communicating now. It's pathetic.

I want to be like them, i want to be confident and happy, i want to be normal

I hope i get another chance at everything, i hope this isn't what it's always going to be like; i know i'm difficult and unapproachable at time's but i guess the truth is that i want what everyone else wants. To be loved.

Indulging in my childhood at the moment to try relive some times past and maybe re-awaken the person i used to be by watching evangellion, which may i add still has the best opening theme of any anime since its release in 1996