So… I have officially started my own business. I don’t have a single customer yet lol. That’s ok… I’m patient. I am seriously running out of money and I am scared. I am nervous and excited at the same time for this business. I put an ad in the paper advertising for it but nothing yet. Maybe it will happen via word of mouth. I just hope I get someone. I paid for the gl insurance on this thing. Pre paid for a year. Still need to pay the bonding and workers comp. That can wait though till I have a customer. My sisters have been making fun of me for this. I announced on fb that I am officially launching my business but I don’t have a single customer. They are having a good laugh about that. They are like the 3 witches on Hocus Pocus or like Cinderellas step sisters lol. I don’t care. I will have the last laugh. I am not in any hurry I would just like to be successful with it.
At least with the nervous and excited feelings I have been feeling about this, I am able to feel something. I have been feeling numb for a while now. It has been bothering me that I have been so numb. I just got so freaking tired of being hurt all the time. I got so freaking tired of being used all the time. I decided to turn it off. I am no longer interested in men or relationships. I am even having a hard time maintaining friendships. People either piss me off and I wipe them away like the piece of shit they act like or I just stop trying with new people who honestly try to develop a friendship with me. I have been a very bad friend to a lot of people and I do feel bad about that. I think I have been searching for the dynamics that have worked really well for me in the past and I just can’t find them. The sad reality is that I know that even those dynamics that worked for me before clearly did not end well yet I keep trying to achieve the good part of those dynamics.
I feel very messed up in the head because of all that. Plus the weight loss efforts are consistently thwarted by my own sabotage as well. I wish I could just unstick myself from all this behavior.
On a more positive note, I took the kids hiking at Black Rock this weekend. That was a high point for all of us. Autumn in New England at its best. It was a perfect day to do that. We all got up early which is so out of character for us but we wanted to do this enough and boy was it worth it. That is exactly the positive kind of thing we need to do more often.
Time to go make dinner.