Really really in Grey skies

Seems like the only times I write are when I am either 1) really tired or 2) really sad...and maybe 3) both. Right now I am really tired. It's been a really long week. Everything seems like a lot of bullshit to me. I just started working at a place I was interning at, a small non-profit organization with a big international presence. My job was merged into two jobs last year, so I am responsible for communications (social media, appeals and newsletters) and every day donors (people who aren't major donors). I've just been working around the clock, checking emails constantly and such forth. I don't mind being busy when the motivation is there but a lot of it is damage control not being proactive. I should be planning for the future but I am stuck fixing things that should have already been done. I am hoping if I keep at it, that it will get more consistent. I went out to lunch with one of my coworkers today and had curry. Unfortunately, this means instead of going to the gym tonight I am playing it safe and staying home. I feel like I really need that right now. My face has broken out all over since I started this job. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about things I need to do. Worst of all, the graphic designer did not receive half of the emails I sent him for a major project I was working on. My husband has been very sweet during this trying time. He's been going out of his way to make kind gestures and help me with things. I really should feel closer and more affectionate towards him but I just feel stressed and tired. Also I am just sad that he hasn't been taking care of himself, when I brought him the doctor his blood pressure was so high in the first reading was in the hypertensive crisis state. After I tried calming him down by stroking his hand and the doctor talked to him jovially, it was somewhere around 180/160. Of course, I gave him a decongestant without reading the label and he was sick so he passed out the night before without taking his medication. I feel like I am waiting for a heart attack to happen. So I don't feel very motivated to be loving because I am so upset. I tried talking to him about this but it got nowhere. He said thinking about it in such drastic terms doesn't motivate him, he'd rather not think about it because it depresses him. I also tried to explain to him that it motivates me to be intimate when I see him taking care of himself but it only made him think it was purely an appearance thing. It's not, I am blinded by love. I barely noticed that my husband over the course of half a year had grown to be twice my weight. Now it's starting to bother me because I know his health is really bad. Normally he doesn't eat my cooking but I am trying to make healthy foods he likes now, which has been hard because I am so exhausted. It will be worth if it makes a difference though. I've tried to get him to come to the gym with me because I can bring the same guest free every time but he says he is not ready. He says he needs to have the motivation himself. I think I am being kind of passive aggressive but I don't feel ready to give him the comfort of intimacy knowing that I can't feel comfortable that he will be around to raise our children. I know this is probably won't help anything but I want to have the right to be upset because I love him. I feel so conflicted, I just told him being around him was making me upset because I was worried and now he has gone to sleep in the basement. We haven't slept a full night apart while we were both in this house since we moved in, but I have a feeling we will tonight. I am too tired to care though. Plus he wakes me up snoring and rolling around, that I might actually sleep decently if I don't get lonely.