Things have been surreal.
Life is taking some extremes and throwing them my way.
I sat in a room with people that fill my heart.
People that are family made of sweat and not blood.
Everyone was looking at their feet.
Nodding silently as someone spoke condolences softly into the air.
Cheeks stained red. Eyes redder.
Brave souls would find the courage to share a memory.
Sometimes we’d laugh with an empty ring.
It bites and stings but felt true all the same.
I kept seeing her face.
I keep seeing it
I wonder about her kids and why.
It makes the world feel different for a while.
Then I get home.
Cuddle my dogs closely and laugh at them playing.
Take in their wags and playful growling.
Stay up just a little later just to have that time.
And then…there he was.
A stranger in the dark.
It’s been so long.
His voice still sounds like home.
I hate that.
He was real though.
For the first time in maybe years.
I could hear him. I could feel something crawling out from underneath years of pressure.
Emerging through the cracks for air.
He sounded hesitant and afraid.
Despite it being years since I’ve heard his voice on the other end…I was not nervous.
I felt this chill run over me.
But it felt like it never left.
Like it was there all along.
I could instantly hear the dozens of voicemails he’d leave while he was on the road.
The things he’d say and how he sounded when he’d call me ‘gorgeous’.
This time will pass quickly.
Today is a different day and I know how things change.
I always told myself to take in the moments with him because he moves like the tide.
And he will be gone.
I know this.
And thats ok.
Because now I know that he knows that I really am here.
I don’t know how not to be.
So I will be.
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