I just don't know... in Life

I’ve tried so many times to move on and forgot about what has happened, but I’m actually scared.

See, I have a friend, called R and M. We’ve been online friends for a few months when things started to go down. R changed. Drastically at that. We cut ties because of our immense differences.

Me and M knew each other for a long time. M has this friend J who got to know R when they played a certain multiplayer game. They got along really well. J was easily moved by R’s words, and because of the change in J, M also decided to cut ties with J.

Along that period when me and M cut ties with R, J uploaded a status on WhatsApp that only I could see, telling me to text J when I saw it (yes I have J’s number for communication purposes, though I don’t talk with J that much). I told M that J uploaded the status. I hesitated. I knew somwthing was off, but M said what if J’s in trouble or something?

Seeing how worried M was, I decided to reply J. What J texted didn’t make sense to me. Everything was gibberish and I don’t know what to reply. I told J to chat straight up with M and make things right with M. J did, and me and M thought everything was fine ー or so we thought. I asked a favor from J to say hi to R as me and M have no means of communication whatsoever to R.

Then after a few days, J sent this wall of text to the both of us with different contents but ut started with the same sentence “I’m done acting nice.” I was shocked when J called me names on it. To think a person I barely even knew hate me just because he assumed with his simple mind that I actually abandoned R because R was ‘a pain to deal with’. He even called me a f**king liar. I couldn’t bear to read it I instantly deleted it. How couls he do this to the both of us? Especially M. M was really hoping that they both will get along like normal. If J’s purpose was to diss us because we ‘left’ R, then he could’ve said it in the first place rather than breaking someone’s heart.

J doesn’t understand. Both me and M love R. We wanted to save R. R just fell in too deep, taking J along with R. M then said to me, saying that she was right when she suspected R to be a toxic individual. I didn’t know what a toxic person was, so I searched for it. I was broken. It really described R.

Firstly, R was manipulative. R can easily make people believe the arguments R made.

Second, R’s always right, even when the truth is that what R said was wrong.

Thirdly, there was so much drama. I admit, problems does hapoen in friendships from time to time, but we were different. Everytime we had a problem (me, R and M), me and M were the one who always tried to solve it. R just let go of the responsibility and said that it was our fault. We can’t solve anything between us if he kept running away. Even adter we did, other problems just keep coming up. It was as if there was no way to fix it.

Fourth, it was always about R. Everything we do was about R. R never asked us for opinions, R just wants our attention. Even if we did try to argue, R’d argue back and we can’t counter the argument (oh sorry this goes in the ‘always right’ point). Anyway, with every single thing me and M did, we were always afraid that we might offend R. The feeling of guilt was so immense we were scared to voice out our opinions. In the end, we just went along with R. We were happy when R’s happy, sad when R’s sad. Me and M discussed this and we felt like everything was one-sided. We’ve never felt so emotionally abused.

I then started to have my doubts on R after reading. R’s life was suffering too much to be true I started to think what R told to us about R’s past life was a total lie. My trust in R wavered. I was never so terrified in my whole life for a person. R even made someone I barely even know hate me… I trusted R, I loved R. Or was it just sympathy that developed while R told of R’s sad past?

I don’t know what to believe anymore… It took me a while to post this because I’m scared R might track us, being intelligent in the technological stuff. But I don’t care. I need help. I just can’t live with this unbearable mistrust anymore. J blocked us and maybe changed his number, saying he is as dead as R is so I couldn’t contact J anymore. You know, deep in my heart I wish that R realises what R has done to us and change. For R’s own sake. Sorry me and M couldn’t save you…