Today I’ve felt a heartache like someone died. Like I’m dying.
It’s the first day working since January that my phone’s not gone off with a message from M. I don’t know why I want to hear from her. She lied to me for at least 4 months. She cheated on me. She cheated on someone else with me. She betrayed my trust. She got me to bare my soul to her, and did this. I don’t trust anyone with any ease. She got me to trust her, then I find out this.
Love’s a hell of a drug.
I’m not coping well with this. Work wasn’t as much distraction as I needed. I’ve felt alone for a long time, and she always knew how to make me not feel alone, whether she was here or not. Now I feel more alone than ever. So much so I’m actually contemplating quitting my job, selling my house, and moving back to Texas. Not to my home town, mind you. Too many bad memories, and homeowner’s insurance premiums are outrageous because of the windstorm insurance requirements. (Hurricane Harvey caused some headaches there, to give a general idea where I lived.) Doubt I could afford what I want around Austin, so it would probably be Dallas/Fort Worth area if I did move back.
I love the area here, but I hate my neighborhood, and can’t stand most people here. There’s something disputed called “The Seattle Freeze”. Look it up. After living here for 7 years, I can tell you it does definitely exist. And when you’re an introvert with a bit of social anxiety, it makes meeting people hell.
I don’t want to be alone right now, and it’s honestly bordering on can’t be alone. Not for the X rated stuff. My mind can’t even fathom contemplating that right now. Just to not be alone. Just to have someone here. Sat next to me on the couch, or holding hands, or leaning on each other - literally, and perhaps figuratively as well. I need THAT kind of intimacy. Problem is, as much as I want/need that, that level of intimacy requires trust. It requires less trust than what I need for more of a physical connection, but it’s a requirement none the less.
I’m finding myself back into old habits again. When the dog and I are both in the house, everything is locked and the burglar alarm is on. I’d stopped that. I’d calmed down. I was actually leaving the doors completely unlocked, and the alarm off while home. Does that show how my trust has been screwed with?
Didn’t really talk to people at work this morning. Asked the salesman what I needed to know about my install, talked to another installer, loaded my crap, and left. My install when surprisingly fast, and even though it was over an hour drive each way, I made it back to the shop before 5pm.
When I walked in, the office manager said I seemed off, either tired or blue. I said both. Then she asked why. I told her. Mind you, I sort of do a separation of church and state with my work and personal lives, after I dated a coworker a few years ago and it went badly. So they were shocked to know I’d been seeing someone for 9 months without them knowing. (In fairness, I’ve also provided disinformation on that topic to avoid conversations about my dating life and the inevitable “when do we get to meet her??” that would undoubtedly follow, given I work for a family company.
I’ve spent the rest of the evening on the couch.
I’m also a bit alarmed about where my sleeping mind is taking me. Last night, I dreamed I had found a way to cast both light and dark spells from my phone - almost a one touch deal. The image I remembered was the menu listing of them.
About an hour ago, I powered on my phone to write this entry, and was floored to find Firefox on a page with a spell on it. After nervously clicking back a few times, I found myself staring at the listing page from my dream… Or what I thought was a dream. Apparently I looked up spells to help homeless animals, spells to heal a broken relationship, to find the one true love, a notice me spell - it’s what it sounds like, and a gift of abundance spell. I’ve not gone back to read through them just yet. I’m still a fair bit shocked at that discovery. I guess I should be thankful I wasn’t looking up curses in my sleep.... Or however that transpired.
Now that my head isn’t pounding, I’m going to go eat something and get ready for bed.
Tomorrow is another day… Good or bad.