All over the bloody place in Juggling with Hedgehogs
- Sept. 21, 2017, 4:47 a.m.
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- Public
I realise that once again, I haven’t written an entry in a while. I need to write one about my holiday (not massively important, but some things occurred that have given me a lot of pause for thought), about family, and about the struggles I’m currently having with delayed grieving for my dad.
I had a counselling session at work this week and it opened up all kinds of nonsense in my head. I realised that I haven’t actually grieved at all, I’ve just put everything in a box and locked it. Not ideal, but what I needed to do in order to get on with all the other things that needed to be sorted out, and all the other people needing support - as usual, I placed myself at the back of the queue. The counsellor really made me dig down into things and I ended up crying (something I rarely do these days). It’s left me in a state of flux. I talked to her about how I want to leave the UK and live in a lovely, pretty, warm country somewhere. Just sell up, bugger off and have a quiet life. Only, I can’t see Paul coming with me, so if I ever do get around to doing that, I suspect I’ll be doing it alone. Which isn’t a bad thing, I live alone most of the time, and I feel like I’m only borrowing him anyway. I know that sounds weird, and I’ll delve more into that in another future entry.
Right now, I feel very edgy, like I’m just waiting for my whole life to explode so I can start again. And that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I will come back and write about this properly at some stage. Right now, I’m deep into revision for my yoga exams, which are happening next weekend (the written ones). The practical exam is at the end of October and I’m not even thinking about that. I still don’t really know why I’m doing this teacher training - especially as I have no intention of becoming a yoga teacher. One way or another, my brain will supply me with some sensible answers. I suspect I need a month of sleep for it to do that…
Firebabe ⋅ September 21, 2017
I think sometimes it's hard to make major changes in your life without some sort of impetus, or defining moment that, in effect, gives you permission to up and make changes. I hope you do get a chance to grieve properly. The bill for that kind of emotional drain comes due at some point - better to pay it sooner rather than later.
Icklewriter Firebabe ⋅ September 22, 2017
Yeah, I suppose it's like ripping off the plaster quickly, rather than picking at it for days and days. I had a load of other stuff come up that I'm going to write about. Stuff that's been rumbling in the background, in my deeper psyche. I think I have a tendency to 'soldier on' rather a lot, and then the bad feelings come out in all kinds of other unhealthy ways. My instinct to run away is way too strong at the moment, so I need to pay attention. When I get into 'run away' mode, it usually precedes a bad bout of depression.