Bicurious, Heteroflexible in Mental Health, 2017

I kissed a girl and I liked it.

Um. So on Saturday evening me and a couple of teammates went to the local gay bar that we sometimes frequent. But BEFORE we got there, me and one of my teammates each had a mason jar of moonshine that she’d made. And then I had more drinks when we got to the club. And then one of my teammate’s friends, who went to some our games last season, showed up with her sister.

Next thing I knew, she was dancing with me (I use that term very loosely, I can’t dance.) And she showed no signs of moving onto the next girl so we “danced” for quite awhile. And then her face got super close to mine, hesitated, and she went in for a kiss and I didn’t stop her. We had three very public makeout sessions before the end of the time. Me completely drunk, and I don’t recall her having any alcohol the entire night. She was high though, I do know that.

Eventually I had to go outside because I thought I was going to throw up, but unfortunately that never happened. I wanted it to happen because I thought it would have made me feel better. But we (me and makeout girl) found a stairwell and I more or less passed out for just a little bit.

My therapist said on Friday that she thinks I was mis-diagnosed by the psychiatrist. Which it makes no sense why the psychiatrist got to diagnose me when she only saw me twice before “transferring my care” back to my Primary Care Provider. In other words, she never fully got to “know me”. I’m very quiet and shy so it’s easy to diagnose me with depression. I don’t think bi-polar was even on her radar.

Anywho, I had a week-long very bad episode that I told no one about, except for my therapist because I was in a super good mood when I saw her Friday and usually the super good moods are when she can get information out of me. There IS another psychiatrist that works at the clinic on a very part-time/as needed basis. She asked for my permission to consult him regarding what she’s learned about me, possible mis-diagnosis, and a med change because if I AM bipolar, anti-depressants are a very bad fit. So I gave her permission and she said she’d do that before my next appt, Sept 29th.

She didn’t say a thing about her “job situation” after she leaves the clinic in Oct. I don’t know her official last day and I havent asked, because I really don’t want to face the fact that the 29th might be the last time I see her. I figured that since she didn’t say a word about it, she either couldnt talk about it or didn’t want to. She did tell me the name of her replacement, and where she’s coming from. I FB stalked her and looked her up on LinkedIn. She doesn’t appear to have a FB, but she has a LinkedIn profile, which I viewed in private mode. She had a picture of herself and she looks like an older, motherly type. My current therapist is 35ish and easier to relate to age-wise.

I’ll give her a chance as long as she’s an in-network provider with my insurance. Cuz I need to talk to SOMEONE about my craziness.

This morning was our first training camp before our football season starts again in January. I barely made it through the warmups without puking from the night’s/early morning’s activities. I still really wanted to puke because I just wanted to feel better. I do think I sweated most of it out though. Feeling way better now, except for that whole guilt part.