At Least... in Fresh Start...

At least I finally started.

I’ve been really down. Everything is all fucked up. What’s really sad is that a big part of me still wants him. So badly.

I confronted him. I asked him why he wasn’t interested in me. He refused to talk about it at first. Eventually he very awkwardly got across that it was because I had hooked up with H, that I had anal sex with H… Yeah I never hid anything like that… I was still confused.... then finally he gets across that because of something that either M or J told him, he was under the impression that I had anal sex with H and went down on him right after. Ummmm.... NO! Sorry, no judgement, but that’s just not true. Now, we might have had sex and then cleaned up and then had more sex, but nope.

So I was like seriously wtf. You’re judging me for something that didn’t even happen and you couldn’t just ask me about it if it was bothering you so much? Like how many times did I say if you want to know anything just ask me.... I was kinda livid. And really sad.

Not only that… we had kinda talked about this… how M was upset/jealous because I hooked up with H more than once. I kinda think he wanted this to fail for me from the very beginning. M could have had me if he wanted me.

The confrontation happened Friday. On Thursday afternoon I was sitting in my office and one of the guys came by. He’s kinda a fuck up but he’s always been nice to me and he’s been out for a bit and doesn’t talk to me that often. Anyways, he asked how I was and I said “here” and he said I looked down. Then said I hear things and you can’t let stupid people get you down. He’s a child and has a lot of growing up to do. I already told him he fucked up. That even though you’re not thed type of person to crush him, you can, and he shouldn’t have fucked with you. He has all these guys telling him bullshit. You know J isn’t getting laid bc he’s here too much. Then there’s M… and he wants you too he just doesn’t want anyone to know.

It was like the most unexpected pep talk ever. I really needed it.

So then I made a hair appointment and got part of my hair dyed teal. I like it. Anyone who doesn’t can go fuck themselves.