Once again, one of my posts starts out about one thing and after writing through it and thinking about it more it’s transformed into something else. Kind of like how I’ve been transformed by recent events.
This post started as a reminder to myself, however it will now be a warning to people who I meet and befriend in the future, along with some of the story about how I got here.
I’ve always considered myself to be a nice person. I won’t be modest, I’ve considered myself to be so nice that it’s harmful to myself. I’ve always put others needs above my own, and the case in which that was most noticeable.. was once again, my most recent relationship. If you’ve read my other posts then you’ll notice that’s a common topic lately, and it likely will be for a while longer.
To start with.. The warning is that I no longer know how nice I will be. I’m not going to intentionally be an asshole, and I will do my best to be nice, but I will rarely be putting others needs above my own. If I can help you and myself at the same time, or help you without any harm to myself, I will. But those are the only times I’ll go out of my way to be helpful.
I’m not even sure how much I can trust others now. Having been online for so long, I’ve met many people who claim to be someone they’re not, or who just lie for the fun of it. Having spent the last 4 years of my life with someone who constantly lies certainly didn’t help either. I’m more paranoid than I’ve ever been, and I’ve always had issues with paranoia even before being screwed over.
Onto the story. Now don’t get me wrong about what I just said, I understand that friendships and especially relationships are about give and take. Sometimes you have to put others ahead of you, and you’ll (theoretically) get that in return. But I will be extra cautious to make sure I get that in return. If I go out of my way for you, then I expect you to be there when I need you.
With Hollie (my ex), that never felt like the case. I would put as much effort as I could into things, I neglected my friends to spend time with her and to solve her issues as best as I could. For 3 years, those issues weren’t even real, they were entirely fictitious, as was her entire being.
I’d feel like playing a game for a day. Just one day. After speaking to her for over a year, almost 8 hours a day, always putting her first. I bring that up, and the response I get is “oh. well.. okay. i guess if you’d rather spend time with them than with me”. Now, that’s obviously not the case. I’ve ignored them for the last year just to spend time with you, and I was happy to do it at the time, which was wrong of me. Sorry, to all of the friends who I neglected, many of which I’ve lost entirely.
I don’t think it was too much to ask to spend one day playing a game with someone. It likely wouldn’t have even been the whole day, probably a couple of hours. But no, I told that person I was busy, and I spent that time watching shows with her. That was another thing about her..
We loved watching things together. The issue was, she refused to watch anything that I wanted to. Apparently she disliked watching new things, it made her feel awkward. I wasn’t a huge fan of watching new things either, especially not the Barbie movies I agreed to sit through, but I did that because I knew it would make you happy and I was fine with having a glimpse into your childhood movies.
Throughout 4 years, we watched maybe 2 movies of my choice. 3 episodes of a TV show of my choice. Whereas I have a list of over 180 things that I watched with her that she suggested. Some of which I ended up enjoying, but I originally agreed to them for her, I put into the relationship and got nothing out of it.
I was lied to, I was intentionally made to feel jealous, I had to deal with lots of double-standards, I was physically hit. I was told that certain things were okay, things that she knew I had fears about, and then 5 minutes later she’d tell me the complete opposite. Why lie about something to make someone feel better? Especially when you know it’ll come up again? When you know you’ll tell them the truth in 5 minutes time? That’s just giving someone hope, and then ripping it away from them for the fun of it.
When she broke up with me for the final time, we tried to stay friends. It didn’t feel right for either of us. At one point during a call, she said that it felt like I resented her. And you know what? I did. She never treated me fairly, throughout everything we had together. Blaming me for doing something and then turning around and doing that very thing herself. Breaking up with me only to tell me she wants me back within an hour. Promising not to do that again, and repeatedly breaking that promise. I should’ve learned my lesson a lot sooner.
So yes, Hollie, I resented you. I still do. When you called me a few days after breaking up with me, seeming perfectly happy with how things were, while I’m sitting there heartbroken. Do you ask how I feel? No. Do you try to make things good? No. You ask whether I’ll use a fucking sex toy on you if/when we meet again.
I was too nice for my own good. I likely still am, it’s something I’ll have to find a good balance for. If I’m an asshole to you, just know that I don’t mean it, I’m just trying to stop myself from being hurt again.
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