Whelp. Mercury Retrograde is finally over - what a whopper of a retrograde that was!
So many encounters with the past.
Yes, as Parliament noted on my previous entry, I did email “the manchild”. Yes, per your notes, the Bulldog does seem much younger than 50 because…well, I guess he does/did kind of act like a younger guy. And I suppose he hasn’t really grown up. But the guy sure does have a way about him, doesn’t he? And I do miss his friendship.
In thinking about it - and since that email - we have had a little back and forth, he emailed me back regarding some Paris things we’d talked about long ago and I had even told him that I miss his friendship. In his reply he said, “I thought you didn’t want to be friends anymore.”
Hm. That’s a tough one. Because, like I’ve said in many entries of my recent past, I’m just lonely for a masculine presence in my life. I miss that. For whatever reason, to me, there’s something so comforting about having a man in my life - one who is very close to me and knows me well.
I suppose that’s why I’ve gotten a little close again with SexyPants. NO, I do not want him back in that way. He will never be my lover ever again. I don’t trust him one iota in that sense. But I do trust him in the way that he knows me extremely well - we’ve spent a LOT of time together and he knows my essence and what I’m about. Lately, I’ve just felt like I needed someone who GETS me to remind me that I’m not some pariah for men to just run away from.
Remember, the last four men I’ve tried to let into my world have either figuratively or LITERALLY RUN AWAY from me.
Anyway, yeah. I hung out with SexyPants on Sunday afternoon. He’s one of those kinds of men who like to get manicures and pedicures and we have a special place where we like to go together. They know us there. Whenever I’d go there without him, the staff always wanted to know where SP was, so he and I have gone there a couple of times in the recent months since he broke up with his most recent fiancee. I did tell you that story, right?
So yeah, SP is going through some kind of second mid-life crisis I’d say. Yes, he’s moving away again, but it won’t be until October. Seems he’s renting a place here until then. He quit his job for a long list of reasons but in the process of buying another company, and then he’s going to temporarily move into one of his BFF’s mansions in Miami, provided it doesn’t blow away in Hurricane Irma. He’ll actually have to move out for a short while for two stints: one, a Bachelor rose ceremony (!!!), and two, some boat movie being filmed. How crazy?
He’s dating a million women at once, flying here and there, all over the country to take people out on fantasy dates. I don’t understand what he’s trying to do, but it appears that he’s just not into any of these women, really. Or he’s searching for something that he’s never going to find. In fact, yesterday he flew to Los Angeles to take an actress out that he sort of became infatuated with while watching some TV show one night while he was on a business trip (!?!?!?!). And this is not even the first date! He’s taken her out a few times. On Friday, he flew to Oklahoma City to go out with a different woman. He’s literally flying all over the world (or at least the country right now) to take women out.
But I guess that’s always been his M.O. He’s always had women in every port - even while we were together. In fact, even when he was with his second wife for nearly 20 years. It’s been this way for 90% of his whole life.
I’ve asked him if he could ever just be alone for a while. Like, could he spend a week by himself? And he can’t. I think it’s that he dislikes himself so much that he constantly has to find validation in others. It makes me sad and it’s finally gotten to a point where it’s making him sad, too.
I can’t do anything about it, of course, except to listen and maybe learn. He’s been really sweet about listening to my stories of late and offering tidbits of advice (such as, it’s not me, it’s them, as in, these guys who aren’t even asking me for a second date are not even giving themselves a chance to get to know me at all! There’s no way someone can know the real me from just one date).
Perhaps the guys I’m attracted to are all SexyPants-es. Perhaps I’m attracted to these International Men of Mystery and they are all on the same type of track - not knowing what they want and are all out there dating millions of women and not really giving anybody a chance. Could it be that everyone I’m into is going through a mid-life crisis? Perhaps.
It’s been an interesting Mercury Retrograde this time.
But Oscar Buzz wrote a very true note on my previous entry: “Its OK to look in the past, But don’t stare.”
And Athena and I were talking last night about various things including OD coming back, and we both agree, you can’t go back. It will never be the same.
It’s true. Time to move forward.
xox,
GS
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