Overwhelmed... in Fresh Start...

I’m feeling particularly overwhelmed.

I’m sitting at work, but I don’t want to do anything. Like I am sooo unmotivated to do anything. And there’s stuff I need to do, but I’m just not sure I care.

I texted F last night to say I’d rather he come get his stuff as opposed to me bringing it to work because I just didn’t want to broadcast all this at work. Of course he never responded because for all intents and purposes he might as well be a child.

I haven’t written about a few things lately so here goes…

V has been pretty obsessed with me and was not taking it well when I kept refusing to make plans with him because I was hanging out with F and still stupidly hoping that would go somewhere. So then last week F let it slip that V had sent him a message on fb but F had deleted messenger to avoid talking to that girl so he’d never read it. I wanted to see the message, but F refused at first because he didn’t want to redownload messenger. So that afternoon I called V and asked him about it. He said yeah he did and that he felt like F deserved the truth blah blah blah. I’m like what truth are you talking about? And he’s like well I’ve been seeing you since the beginning of the year etc. I’m like he knows all that. He tried to say he was trying to help me get over F but I’m like no, you’re trying to manipulate the situation to get what you want. He tried to apologize, but I told him apology not accepted and he hasn’t really talked to me since. I was pretty angry. I’m still kinda angry. The next day F let me see the message. He said he didn’t want to see it and to just delete it. So I did. It came off worse than V’s sugarcoated version of it. It basically came off as well since she isn’t going to tell you about us I am. Like for real, F knew the whole time. V and I were never more than friends with benefits no matter how much he wanted more.

Now I’m guessing the F thing is basically just done. My dumbass is still in love with him, but I am so sick of always feeling not good enough. I think it was Thursday that he told me that he just didn’t like me like that and there just wasn’t a spark. Ok seriously motherfucker… you don’t spend like every night with someone for a month and a half and then all of a sudden go “Sorry just not feeling it.” It’s just an entirely dick move, especially since not a week before I had asked him if he was into me and he said yes.

Right now, I feel like pretty much everyone can go fuck themselves. And I kinda want to just drive my car into a tree.

I let JM come over Sunday afternoon. He brought Chinese food and we watched movies. I feel a little bad hanging out with him because I know he’s still in love with me or thinks he is anyways, but it was his idea. Nothing really happened though I know he wanted it to. I had fun up until after he left. Then I looked at F’s fb page and saw where he commented that going out with M on Friday was “The best night I’ve had in a long time. Hell best weekend.” And then I just felt like all the time he spent with me meant absolutely nothing and I mean nothing and cried myself to sleep.

K unfriended him on fb and said she wouldn’t talk to him.

I’m just ready to give up… I’m always in pain and feel pretty fucking useless.