H.S. Friends Cont'd 8/10/2002
So, back to Angyl...Angyl called me up one night and invited me to her house for a get-together. I had so much fum at the house...it felt like old times. I left around midnight, in much better spirits than I had been in the beginning of the summer. I IMed Blossom, who was also at the get-together, the next day. I told her that I had fun hanging out with her, and that I'd see her soon. I left my number again. She never called, never e-mailed.
The next week, right before the Fourth of July, I e-mailed my friends, asking them what they're plans were. I hadn't been home for a Fourth of July in two years, and I was pretty excited about spending it with my old friends this year. (During the two previous summers, I was st summer programs away from home). The ones who did respond told me that they were all busy. I called them a few times after that, and few called me back. And when I say I called them, I don't mean every day. I would call these people once or twice a week. Anyway, everyone was always 'busy.' Now, I'm sorry, but I'm busy with my job too, but I still have plenty of time to have a life outside my job. That was always the excuse; they were working. Now, you mean to tell me that you don't have a SINGLE DAY OFF during the 3 1/2 or 4 months that you've been off from school? Give me a break.
Anyway, when my mother and I had the big talk in the kitchen about my seeing Binghamton's school psychologist, the topic of my friends came up. One of the reasons that I am having problems is because I look at Becc and her friends, John and all his friends, and my high school 'friends' that I've known for years, won't even return a phone call. My mother told me that she thinks I have a lot of great qualities; friendly, pretty, smart, etc. She asked why I couldn't be able to believe in myself. My answer was that if I'm such a good person, why is it so hard for me to hold onto a friend? She had no answer.
Anyway, so the next day, or the day after, Angyl calls repeatedly during the day while I was at work. My mother gives me this knowing look, like "I told you so." My first impression was to call Angyl back, but then I thought, how come she [Angyl] has so much free time now? Why couldn't she call me earlier in the summer? So I figured I'd wait a day or two to return her call. I think that's pretty fair since she and my other 'friends' made me wait two months.
I get back from my volunteer service on Thursday night, in a really good mood. My mom amd dad both picked me up. My mom mentioned that Angyl called again that day. I said, "Eh, I'll call her tomorrow." My mom got silent and said, "Well, actualy, she wanted to talk to me." I got nervous for a crazy second, because Angyl knows my diary name. She used to read my diary pretty regularly and therefore, knows a bunch of stuff about me that most people don't know...I know it sounds far-feteched, by why else would she want to talk to my mother?
It turns out, Angyl's new job makes her sell kitchenware of some kind door-to-door. She needs 20 people to listen to her make her presentation, or something in order to start selling door-to-door. I'm a bit confused about the whole thing myself. Basically, this kid doesn't speak to me for an entire summer, but now she needs people to help HER out, comes up short, so she calls good 'ol ARTIST to help her out. Um, no.
My mother and I, had we agreed, would've had to listen to Angyl ramble on about kitchenware that we don't intend on buying for an hour on Friday. Um, no. I work eight hours a day, and I'm f*king tired when I come home. I don't want to listen to this girl, who doesn't give a damn about me, babble on about kitchenware. I called Angyl early on Friday from camp to cancel the appointment. Originally, my mother had agreed to listen to Angyl's presentation, but when I told my mother what my 'friends' were pulling on me this summer, she told me that I was more than free to cancel the appointment. She even offered to call Angyl up herself.
Anyway, so I called Angyl from work to tell her my mother and I would be busy that afternoon and she couldn't come. The conversation took les than minute. I didn't offer to reschedule. I said, "Okay?" and Angyl said, "Okay." The last thing I said was "Good, bye," and then hung up. I'm finished being used by people who simply don't care about me. I'd rather be alone than be surrounded by people like that. I would've loved more than anything to tell Angyl how I really felt, but I was in the middle of the office in the camp, and didn't feel like making a scene.
The thing is, I've known these people for years and they treated me this way. I'm unable to making lasting relationships. I'm loyal to a fault, but if you hurt me enough, I'll cut you out of my life and make like you didn't exist.
I was reading my entry on 3/14/02 about my h.s. friends and I got really mad. How they acted during the year is NOT how they're acting this summer. I spent this summer alone, and I resent it, because all year I was looking forward to hanging out with all of them again. Why bother making friends? How come its so easy to make kids at the ward love me, but the people who I've known for years couldn't care less? This type of stuff goes through my head all the time...Well, time to go and get my hair cut...fun fun, I know.
Phobia of the Day: Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat
Artist
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