Alone. 7/27/2002
You know, its funny, but when you think your luck is just changing..it doesn't. It's ten to six. Apparently Heather forgot me because she's an hour late. No e-mail, nothing. Just didn't show. All day I was looking forward to going out tonight. I was so happy because I'd found a bunch of people that I generally liked hanging out with. Obviously I'm the fucking idiot. Its not like she didn't know. She fucking knew. I even offered to give her gas money. How lovely right. Stupid pathetic me started putting on my socks at 5:15. I actually debated which shoes to wear. As if any of them give a damn. By 5:20 I started heading downstairs, thinking that she was a bit late. By 5:30 my mother came home and I hid upstairs because I didn't want to talk to her or have her ask any questions. I sat by my goddamned window and listened for cars. Pathetic huh? Yeah, I know.
I feel sick. Just physically sick. I honestly am starting to believe that people are born with a certain amount of luck. I'm of of the unfortunate few who just has unhappiness no matter where I go or who I meet. I cannot make a fucking friend to save my life. I was so looking forward to going out tonight. My keys and money are still in my pocket. Debbie was going out for beer and we were going to reimburse her. Stupid fucking me. I even asked my sister if she could take me out to go and buy Smirnoff Ice. I would've cried even harder than I am now if I had been sitting by my window with two six-packs of alcohol that nobody was going to end up drinking.
Well, since I'll be home for yet another Saturday night, I might as well jot down my fight I had with my mother. Last night, Friday, my mom was going to go food shopping. She asked my brother John to help her, but he "accidentally" took a shower jut as she was getting ready to leave. He's the most selfish person I know. He'll do just about anything to make someone else do his chores, but when he needs something done for him...it's fucking ridiculous.
Anyway, so my mom took Jake, who was exhausted, but being the angel child he is, went with my mother. I was exhausted from camp and from getting snobby comments about my sister becoming a director. I passed out on the couch watching some movie. My mother comes back and John is still in the shower. Hell, HE can't bring in groceries. That might actually take effort. So my mother started shouting for me because she needed help. Do you know what its like to be oken out of a really deep sleep by someone's shouting on top of having a really long workday? It fucking sucks. I was crashing into stuff because I couldn't see straight and started yelling back at my mother. I understand John's being a lazy piece of shit, but don't yell at me for it. I'm the one who ships breakfast in the morning so I can help clean up the messes left by Becca and John. There have been some massive fights in this house over them being such slobs, but they refuse to ever clean up anything. Instead of just leaving it for my mother, I've always tried to help pick up a bit before I went to work.
My mother yells at me again, so I dropped the two massive containers of detergent on the floor. She screams at me to go up to my room (Yeah, that's a threat...send your exhausted daughter to bed). As I'm walking up the stairs she yells, "I wish you went back to school already!" I wanted to die, literally. That's the worst thing she could have said to me. Do you even know how many nights I spent crying because of the bullshit that was going on with Linda or with school? And all I would wish for was to go home. And my mother basically told me that she'd rather have me be away than be here. I'm hysterically crying and I don't know how to stop. Heather's an hour late and my mother hasn't even asked what happened.
People think I exaggerate when I say no-one likes me. Its seriously true. I cannot make a friend to save my life. Heather knew she was supposed to pick my up. I sent her a reminder e-mail, which I know she checked this morning with ridiculously simple directions to my house. She lives in the neighborhood, and she knows people on my block, so its not like she could've gotten lost. I feel sick. She's going to give me some asinine excuse on Monday like she forgot. I'm going to hear how everyone had such a wonderful time. My mother gets bitchy when I ask her to drive me anywhere.
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