Howlite in 2017

I love the fall.

Loved. Anyway.

Season changes kind of suck right now. With summer came warmer temps mismatched to the way I felt. Now with fall, Anxiety Girl is wound really tight right now. Time snowballs from here. I can remember (like, legit, BE there) last Halloween, dressed as Juno and Pauly Bleeker. This year that holiday marks as much time without Ivy as I had ‘with’.

I honest to god felt like I had made some serious progress in my grief. And I have. I think its impossible NOT to after 7 months. But I’m still not the person I want to be.

And fall makes way into the holiday season. Time I anticipated filled with extended family, our family, and a little nugget of a babe. Money stresses me out, and its tougher for me not to be bitter when everything is laden with the sadness of holidays as an incomplete family.

I bailed out on a first birthday party for a friend’s little girl. Our pregnancies only overlapped a few months, but the reminders just suck too much to pull me out of the house today.

I did one of those ‘pick a stone, see what it reveals about you’ online silly things. The one I chose was a pretty, cracked piece of howlite. And the description just punched in the gut.

“If you are attracted to this stone you have been receiving messages from the ‘other side’, either in the form of dreams, thoughts out of the blue, visions or seeing repetitive numbers or words. You are being intuitively guided in a certain direction – acknowledge your intuition and listen to it. It knows without thinking – it is your short-cut to success. If you’ve had trouble sleeping it may be you are ignoring a gut feeling about someone or some situation. By acknowledging and going with the flow, spiritual breakthroughs will occur. You are not alone, you are never alone in this journey. The Howlite crystal is a message from the world of spirit that a new spirit guide awaits you. Your guide plans to elevate you to levels beyond your wildest dreams. All they ask is that you believe in them, and take their hand.
Additional: Howlite denotes luck to those hoping for a baby, or who are already pregnant. It is an omen of a healthy, strong baby.”

That last part....ugh.