Lost 2/28/2002
One of my old friends I've known since elementary school IMed me today. She's a great person, but her IM could not have come at a worse time. She's fairly smart, but definitely slacked throughout high school. She never studied for her SAT's and went to Iona College. No offense for any of those who go to Iona, but its not exactly known for its rigorous academics. Jen, my friend, has some b.s. major, which I won't say in case any of you are that major. It's just such an easy subject...she doesn't even know why she's taking it, she just didn't want to have an early morning classes. Again, great girl, but not the brightest in the bunch.
So anyway, her IM was basically telling me how much she adored Iona and how she was having such a fabulous time; "even better than high school." Yes, she was one of the few who truly enjoyed her high school years. She's in a suite and is best friends with her suitemates, whom she's getting an partment with next year. My roommate doesn't talk to me, and I get to live in a double room (again) next year in a new school. I feel so...gipped, I guess. I worked so hard in high school, took the hardest courses I could find, hoping that my hard work would pay off, and it didn't. College has the ame bullshit in it, its just the people are older and the terminology is different. The name for "popular crowd" is "the Greeks." I was rejected from all twelve (count'em...twelve!)sororities at Syracuse, I can't make friends, the bars are as hard as hell to get into, boys (even desparate freshmen boys) DO NOT like me, the frats are invite-only (and hey, since I can't cut it for the sororities, I'm not worthy enough to get invited), my grades suck because of goddamned calculus, one of my five friends (actually I'm down to three now that Angela's not talking to me either) is not speaking to me, and all I want to do right now is just drop out. I like Jen a lot, and I am happy for her, but I got so frustrated talking to her. She did NADA in high school, doesn't seem to be doing too much in college, but everything has fallen into place for her. Its like someone said, "Here Jen, have everything you want." With me its like someone just said, "Fuck what you want, this is what your getting. It isn't much, but tough."
Just as I was about to thoroughly get nauseous from our conversation Jen says, "Guess what?" I figured she was going to start telling me about her great boyfriend that she met up there but instead she says, "I'm in a sorority!" I honestly just wanted to cry. I wished Linda had gone to her boyfriend's tonight instead of last night so I could cry by myself in my room. Instead, I'm done in the damn computer cluster again.She loves her sorority, and goes to the bars with her sisters on a regular basis. Call me immature, but I told her I had to go because I had to do work.
I just don't know what to do any more. I just want to cry and hope that everything and everyone goes away when I look up again. People in my Carnegie Mellon University summer program didn't like me, people in my George Mason University program that I went to last summer didn't like me, and people in Syracuse sure as hell don't like me. Maybe its not the people, maybe its me. You can tell me what a sweet person I sound like all you want...I'm sure I look great from the other side of a computer screen.
My parents have no idea what to do with me, and my sister is fairly similar to Jen, so she doesn't know how to help either. I have no idea what to do.
I'm not sure what's worse; just dropping out after I complete a year of Binghamton and face the disgrace of being the only college drop-out in my immediate family, or trudging through another three years of this crap. I don't know how I'm supposed to take it any more.
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